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Old 07-17-2012, 11:00 PM   #361
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Such good new from you Marathoner! Thanks for the update, you've come through this difficult time and have so much good life ahead.
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Old 07-17-2012, 11:38 PM   #362
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Thank you so much for the update and I am delighted that you are on a smooth path. Don't be too tough on a guy who wants to date you. It is appropriate to let him know that you appreciate his desires but that right now because of your recent divorce the wisest relationship for the both of you is friendship.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:33 AM   #363
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Well done !
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:59 AM   #364
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This thread makes me optimistic. I'm amazed at how we'll you've overcome everything.

Thanks, as always, for the update.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:36 AM   #365
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Marathoner, thank you for sharing your journey on here. I know when I was much younger, running was my escape from a toxic family environment, I found the solitude refreshing.

I gave up running a long time ago, but running helped me keep my sanity when I needed an outlet, and it's a heck of a lot better for you than drugs or alcohol.........
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:05 PM   #366
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Good for you, Marathoner! Just keep on staying true to yourself!
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:27 PM   #367
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Glad to know things are looking up for you.
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Old 07-18-2012, 09:32 PM   #368
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Thanks for the current update and the previous updates. Just re-read the entire thread. What a great lesson in having the courage to take the healthy path, although not always the easy path initially. You go girl.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:30 PM   #369
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So nice to see a happy "ending"! What a catapult into a life reboot!
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:39 PM   #370
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I often wondered how things were going. I'm glad you're doing so well. You did not mention the woman he moved in with, I assume that crashed and burned.

Living well is the best revenge!
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:15 PM   #371
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Since there was so much interest in this thread, I figured I would give an update.

I cannot believe how fabulous my life is now, and rereading what I wrote 11 months ago -- well, let's just say I can barely recognize the lady I was then. Again, I must say that you have no idea how much you helped me when I was in the worst place in my life. I wish I had more free time to spend with you wonderful people here!

We sold our house -- at a huge loss, but since I'd put 20% down and made extra payments, we didn't have to bring any money to closing. I am now debt-free, though possibly not for long as I am hoping to buy a house in the winter/spring, while prices and rates are still low.

My job is still fantastic. The organization is just top-notch, and I'm working with many geniuses in the industry, which should help me to achieve my dreams of early FI. And, one of my dear friends just started on my team, (I worked with her at a previous job) so I get to see her every day! Also, I now bicycle-commute to work, which had always been a dream of mine. It's just great. Some days I can't believe I love going to work! (Don't worry; still hoping to FIRE!)

My friends and family are just amazing. I have had so many new experiences in the past few months, and I am loving life. I thought I was happy before, but now I truly am.

It's rather funny how things fall into place. I thought my life was essentially over, and now it's almost surreal how wonderful things are.

veremchuka -- I'm not sure what happened to his mistress, as I haven't had contact with him in several months. The last time I spoke with him, he was still trying to get me back and said he'd finished with her for good. His plan was to remain single for the rest of his life, but I'm guessing that won't happen. I'm just happy he's leaving me alone and lives a few hours away from me.
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:17 PM   #372
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IT is amazing what happens when you decide the only asshole you need to live with is the one God gave you.
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:58 PM   #373
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Appreciate the update, Marathoner.

I'm happy everything is going so wonderfully for you!
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Old 10-25-2012, 09:32 PM   #374
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I thought I should update since the thread has been revived a bit and there has been much that has happened. I could write a novel, but basically to make a long story short, recent events (Penn State scandal) brought up memories in him that he had repressed for nearly 30 years. I did some reading, and his actions/behaviors are textbook for what he went through.

He is very confused, going back and forth almost daily on whether he wanted to work things out or not. Once I found out about his background, I was more sympathetic about what was going on and would have been willing to give us another shot since he's getting the help he needs through counseling. He just needed to maintain no contact with her while we worked on our relationship to see if it could/should be saved.

I would tell myself I was done, but there was always a little glimmer of hope that things would work out. On Jan 1, he came home, sobbing, asked me to give him another shot -- that we needed to come to a decision together. I said as long as he tells her no contact while we figure things out, and total honesty. He agreed. We had a bunch of really long talks and good times Sunday and Monday. Lunch, football game, museum, etc. At that point, I would have put our odds of divorcing at 80%.

Then, last night, he accidentally left his e-mail up on the computer, and she'd contacted him. He responded, and after several more e-mails, they said "I love you" to each other. He'd told me that he had feelings for her but didn't know if he loved her or not. I am a visual person, so seeing that written out drained any remaining love I might have had for him. I could almost feel it leaving my body. I deserve so much better.

I felt this rage and anger that I hadn't before then or even ever in my life. It was actually really scary. I got really hot and my head was a bit cloudy and I was thinking about doing something violent towards him, though I restrained myself. I confronted him, and of course he was so sorry, etc.

This morning, I woke up with a profound sense of peace and calm. I know now that we are divorcing, and there's nothing that he can do to save the marriage, even if he decides that what he wants. He is far too damaged and couldn't even last one day of no contact with her.

If I'd made the final decision before today, I think I might have always wondered if I made the right decision, but this confirmed things for me.

I read "The Sociopath Next Door" and I don't think he is one. He does have traits of antisocial personality disorder, but a lot of those are also traits of people who have suffered like he has -- and his was of the worst kind in terms of age when it happened, who did it, duration, type, etc. Quite frankly, it's amazing that he's as normal as he is and isn't in prison somewhere.

This is a way condensed version of everything -- I was starting to question my sanity but now I know I'm going to be OK. I have a couple of j*b leads (mine ends in March -- I'm shutting a company down so need to stay for bonus/severance) and once I get one, I can find an apartment near work and begin my new life.

I will always care about him in some way. I feel terrible for what he's been through. I would have been there for him to help him through everything, but he made decisions and acted in ways that make that impossible.

It will be an interesting few months as I move on with my life and we try to hammer out a settlement. I'm getting excited about ER again! Since he wasn't on board (but pretended to be), I don't think that would have been possible with him. But, as a single lady with a well-paying career and low expenses, I am excited to see my investments grow. Oh, while we were talking, he took full blame for everything, said I couldn't have been a better wife, and his only complaint was that I focused on the future and wanted to retire early. He then conceded he was glad I did as we will both leave the marriage with a significant amount of retirement savings and a fair amount of cash. And he worries about how he will manage his money without me, but that's not my concern!!!

Thanks again for the wise words throughout my ordeal. I don't think I was in a place to really internalize them when this first happened (tomorrow is still only the one month anniversary of me finding out) but yesterday was the turning point. I suspect I may have some tough days yet ahead (I'm pretty certain Jan 1 wasn't the last time he's going to beg me to work things out) so my plan is to collate all of the wise words from this board, from my real-life friends, and elsewhere, and refer to them should my resolve weaken.
I wasn't married to my first husband very long (about 2 years) but I know in my bones I was meant to be in his life to help him save his life. I know he would be dead by now (like his brother and his father) if we had never been married. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I wouldn't change anything that happened and I have no bitterness or hard feelings as I know it was meant to be.
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Old 10-25-2012, 10:43 PM   #375
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You've really taken control of your life. Good for you!
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Old 10-25-2012, 11:47 PM   #376
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Thanks for the update and am glad that you are in a good place. Haven't talked to my ex in 25 years or so.
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Old 10-26-2012, 02:47 AM   #377
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Glad to see that things are going so well for you.
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Old 10-26-2012, 09:33 AM   #378
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/snip/

My friends and family are just amazing. I have had so many new experiences in the past few months, and I am loving life. I thought I was happy before, but now I truly am.

You probably were happy before... things change, and for you they changed for the worse for awhile and now have changed for the better... but if I went through what you did I would not try and change my thoughts of how I felt the whole time....

As an example, my oldest sister got a divorce after 11 years... which was about 35 years ago.... but she still says that she was happy during that time... it was just that things changed and she moved to another happy place...
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Old 10-26-2012, 12:22 PM   #379
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Congratulations in getting your life back.

It is just as well that your x is saying that he won't marry again, he needs to mature before getting someone else involved in his life. I wouldn't believe any claims of celibacy.
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Old 10-26-2012, 04:09 PM   #380
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Marathoner, so good to hear from you. I have often wondered what was happening in your life and whether we'd ever hear from you again. I'm glad to hear things are going so well. All the best!
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