Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

Thank you all so much for your kind and caring responses. I appreciate the different viewpoints that are helping me to process what is happening to me. I just want to point out again that until December 4, I thought things were great, so I might still be in a bit of shock.

I am starting to get past the unfairness of it all. I will still see another lawyer, but I know that I supported the two of us for 9 years so I can certainly support myself. My life will be different than I envisioned, but maybe better. Money isn't everything. Since I was in charge of our finances and we're both LYBM people anyway, I won't be in debt. In fact, once the house sells I will be debt-free since his student loan balance will go with him. Not the way I envisioned being debt-free, but I'll take what I can get :)

I have a large support system -- tons of friends and a great family. I was his only friend and he is mostly estranged from his family. I'm going to get the books chuckanut recommended and maybe a few more than can help me to detach from him. I'm not even angry with him; I just pity him because of what he gave up and how he'll be alone when this ends.

I don't think he has NPD, though who knows. He does exhibit many of the characteristics. He definitely has low self-esteem and a fear of rejection in his personal life. On a professional basis, he is fun, nice, friendly, confident, etc., but in his personal life, it's the opposite. He has no friends and wouldn't be friendly to mine. She will be in for a shock once she learns what he's really like since she only knows work him.

I didn't put a huge emphasis on FIRE in our day to day life, and I wasn't planning on just lounging around the house when he was done. I had hoped to work for or start my own nonprofit. Maybe I'll still be able to do that someday when I'm FI. Part of the reason FIRE was so attractive is that he has a disease that will slowly render him less physically able. We'd discussed FIRE so that he could enjoy some of his retirement before he ends up in a wheelchair. And then I took that and ran with it, whereas perhaps he's in denial about his physical condition.

I am taking care of myself -- running and yoga are helping. My appetite hasn't been what it was, though, and I've lost 8 pounds I didn't have to lose. I only have one pair of pants that fits me now (I ordered them online in the wrong size and never got around to returning them.)

He's at least temporarily out of the house, living with his girlfriend while her husband went to another state for the holidays. Not having him around has been helpful to my healing process. Getting a job and a new place to live will also be huge steps. I am kind of looking forward to what lies ahead!

Anyway, you have no idea how much your comments mean to me. My psychologist warned me about relying too heavily on my friends because I don't want to burn anyone out, so I'm grateful to have this place where I can type things out and get intelligent and reasoned responses.

I have lurked pretty much every day since I joined, but will be participating more. Maybe I can fit a rowing machine in my new apartment :) Thanks again.
 
Marathoner said:
He's at least temporarily out of the house, living with his girlfriend while her husband went to another state for the holidays. Not having him around has been helpful to my healing process. Getting a job and a new place to live will also be huge steps. I am kind of looking forward to what lies ahead!
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So he is having an affair with a married woman? Does the husband know?
 
FUEGO said:
So he is having an affair with a married woman? Does the husband know?
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Yes -- the husband knows. He wants to work things out in their relationship as well, but my husband and his girlfriend are convinced they're meant to be together.

Her husband is coming back up here in early January, so I don't know how things will work out.

Seriously, it's like Jerry Springer. I can't believe they are both MDs!!!
 
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Remember what I said about professional politics? The hospital staff and physicians will talk about this for years!

You don't think you have any debts? Don't be so sure. My brother thought his only debt was the home mortgage but found out that his now x-wife has a secret PO Box and credit card with a huge past due balance as they were divorcing. He was stunned. Run a credit check on both your names.
 
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Marathoner said:
Seriously, it's like Jerry Springer. I can't believe they are both MDs!!!
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My guess is sometimes MDs (and other highly paid professionals) are the worst offenders and sometimes have a mightier-than-thou approach to life. The MDs and others don't find their way to Jerry Springer but the situations can be just as astonishing.
 
Marathoner said:
He's definitely still in the fog. I mean, he claims to only have started having feelings for her in the beginning of November. He is infatuated and throwing away a great relationship. He doesn't want to work on it. I believe he will regret his decision, and I am hopeful that ultimately I will be happier without him.

I did send him a FAQ about what a wayward spouse is going through, the fog, etc., but he hasn't read it yet and is so infatuated I doubt he will. I don't want to be anyone's second choice, so even if he came crawling back at this point, it's too late.

I mean, if his dream is to w*rk 60 hours per week, maybe we weren't as well-matched as I thought.
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I will give a quick rundown of my sisters divorce...


Here husband did not cheat... but had friends who were getting divorced and convinced him that he should leave, so he packed up the house and left one day when my sister was at work (he was not happy, but never did tell my sister)... they went to therapy for a year, but then my sister thought that he left her once, he might do it again. So they got their divorce... She met someone a few years later, he also met someone... but it was interesting that they did become 'friends' later in life (not close friends, but enough to met once or twice a year... spouses present)...

Now, I was on a jury about 30 years later... this guy comes up to me and says 'I was married to your sister'... say what:confused: Yep, it was him... and he told me that moving out WAS the biggest mistake he had made in his life.... but that he was happy... and my sister was happy with her new husband... married for 35 years until he died a few years ago...


So, yes, in the future he might think about it and realize that he made a mistake.... but YOU do not have to wait for him to realize that... you can move on and maybe finds someone else who would never ever think about putting you through this pain....
 
Marathoner,

I'd say get him out of the house for good as soon as possible. If you can't, then any notes, paperwork on discussions about the pending divorce, put in a secure, locked area. I remember when my sister was going through her divorce. She had a habit of getting to tired and leaving things laying around. Well, you can probably know where this leads to. Moral of the story...keep important things close to the vest.
 
Marathoner - I just wanted to offer my support as you go through this difficult time.

I have a friend who's wife of 9 years told him this past April that she wants a divorce. Their marriage wasn't perfect, but he was still blindsided. She had apparently been having an affair since February, and that guy is now practically living in "their" house (which he has been renovating lovingly for years).

He is a sweet guy and wants to be fair to her, and what is he finding? That she has secret bank accounts and has been trying to hide assets from him. Plus, she is dragging everything out because right now she gets to live in the nice, big house and only pay for 1/2 of it. They'll have to sell it, and she doesn't want to move. Sigh. I had always liked her, but right now she's acting like a childish, selfish b****, and I don't understand it, especially because she is the one having the affair.

My friend has a good outlook on life, and is a positive person, but it is still hard for him. I know times will be tough, for him and you, but I am there for him, as are his other friends, so don't discount your friends' support - they will be there for you through it all. I wouldn't doubt it for a minute.
 
Definately meet with a lawyer or two to determine what the likely outcome of a trial will be (BATNA). This can be your baseline for mediation.

You should run a free credit report ASAP, to make sure your name doesn't appear on any accounts you are unaware of. Protect yourself financially. You will need the money if things go to trial and lawyers are retained.

Try to focus on yourself if you can. You can't reason with him, and sending email FAQs and other things won't work. He isn't being reasonable so stop expecting/hoping him to be.

If its his decision to end it, you should work on moving on. I know it is hard, but you can't make someone stay.

Sorry you are going thru this. I filed on my EX 2 years ago and things were finally settled a few months ago. If you can mediate, do it.
 
Sorry you are going through all this drama, but it sounds like your future is going to be much better without him in it.

You stated you overlooked/made excuses for some of his antisocial (my word) behavior. You might want to talk to the therapist about why you put up with a partner who was far less than you deserved. You definitely don't want to repeat this scenario and have another marriage last for many, many years with someone who makes you very, very miserable.

Are you a first-born by any chance?

Also, don't get too jaded by what has happened. Like you, I became acutely aware that humans have free will and they can decide to do anything on any given day. I love my husband and he loves me. I believe we will be together to the end of our lives but I always know he is a human being with free will and has the potential to make any decision on any given day. I hope that doesn't sound too dark but it is what it is.
 
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Buckeye said:
You stated you overlooked/made excuses for some of his antisocial (my word) behavior. You might want to talk to the therapist about why you put up with a partner who was far less than you deserved. You definitely don't want to repeat this scenario and have another marriage last for many, many years with someone who makes you very, very miserable.

Are you a first-born by any chance?
Click to expand...

I am indeed a first-born. I checked out several self-help books today and will be taking notes about things to discuss with the therapist. My next appointment isn't until late January because she said I was doing so well, so I have time to think and reflect.

I'm definitely in no hurry to enter another relationship as I want to be by myself for a bit and figure things out.

When I was in the marriage, I was extremely happy; it's just that upon subsequent reflection is when I realized exactly how anti-social he is and how that did affect me.

Interesting times are definitely upon me now. But I am feeling much better about things and I know that I'll ultimately be just fine.
 
I'm a big believer in karma. The two of them are starting new lives with lies: both of them have cheated on their spouses. Will they ever be able to trust one another? I wouldn't.

My two sisters are perfect examples of the karma principle:

Sister 1 was married to a guy who was affable and personable, in public. However he was controlling and manipulative behind the scenes and had no friends. His big phobia was weight issues: he told my sis that if she ever gained weight, he would leave her. He was a competitive body builder. When she told him she wanted to see a marriage counsellor, he told her he'd divorce her first. That was fine with her - and it stunned him that she didn't back down. Fast forward one year: he gained over 100 pounds, lost his job (because of his weight gain), lost his condo, became severely depressed and told my bro that my sis was the love of his life and he had made a terrible mistake. He eventually married a fat, dysfunctional piece of trailer trash and they are living on welfare in the bush. Meanwhile, Sis met a wonderful guy, got promoted, owns her home outright and has been happy as a clam ever since. Karma.

Sis #2 found out her husband was having an affair with the neighbour - a woman who had gone through 3 husbands already. He is still living with her but they are broke because they are both alcoholics, the wh*re smokes and has 2 tramp daughters that keep getting pregnant, and all he can get are minimum wage jobs with no pension. He blew the money my sis gave him to buy out of the house they owned. My sister, meanwhile, moved up and on - lives in a 4,000 sq foot house on a golf course, is dating a very nice man and is planning early retirement. Karma.

Living well is the best revenge :)
 
Marathoner,

If you want to be vindictive (or just for kicks!), call your ex and say "I have some unexpected news - we're expecting...".
 
FUEGO said:
Marathoner,

If you want to be vindictive (or just for kicks!), call your ex and say "I have some unexpected news - we're expecting...".
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With TWINS! but willing to consider options for cash up front.... ;-)


(just kidding, sorry if anyone is against options)
 
Aiming_4_55 said:
With TWINS! but willing to consider options for cash up front.... ;-)


(just kidding, sorry if anyone is against options)
Click to expand...

"Don't worry - child support for the two little ones won't be more than $40-50k a year on your MD's salary" ;)
 
FUEGO said:
Marathoner,

If you want to be vindictive (or just for kicks!), call your ex and say "I have some unexpected news - we're expecting...".
Click to expand...


If you want to be really vindictive, call the bimbo up and tell her instead. Let her break the news to SB (scum bag). I can see it now - him trying to explain that this was another case of "immaculate deception".
 
Hi Marathoner,

Okay... so, out of curiosity, I glanced at your profile...

Interests include: Running, homebrewing, napping... (and, of course, RE)

Your ex may be REALLY hurting you right now... but once that pain fades to a distant memory, I suspect that he's doing another lucky man a HUGE favor with his stupidity.

Some guys just don't know how fortunate they are?

I second my earlier opinion... you'll be fine!
 
With a little luck, you could be having twins and his new girlfriend could also be having twins!!! Now, there's a thought.
 
Thanks, Seeking Hobbes. I know I will be fine. I think it really helped meeting her (before the affair) because it hasn't hit my self-esteem as I'm not wondering what she has that I don't. I'm better-looking, in better shape, nicer, friendlier, smarter, etc. I just don't look like his mom! I know that this is all about him (issues stemming from his childhood) and not about me.

Anyway, interesting development. As a reminder -- the timing on this is that he started having feelings for her early November and the physical affair was the end of November. He told me he wanted to divorce on Dec. 4. After attempting to reconcile for about a week, he decided he wanted out and he's basically moved in with her since last Saturday while her husband is out of town.

We talked yesterday so I could give him my attorney's information and I could get his (we are going to try collaborative divorce.) He got really sad, said he misses me and it was great to hear the sound of my voice. He thinks he made a huge mistake (after living with her for 3 days!) He has an appointment with the counselor tomorrow morning, so he wants to talk after that.

I don't even know what to think. I thought he would try to come back, but in no way did I think it would happen so soon. I guess I'll have to see what he says tomorrow. I had just about gotten my mind in a place where I was getting excited about what the future might bring and then this happens.

We did have a great relationship for 12 years and 11 months until this temporary insanity hit. I'm not sure if I'm willing to throw all of that away, as I don't think the person he's been this past month is who he really is. If he's willing to work through his issues in therapy and we can make our marriage even stronger, might that be the best solution?

These next few months are going to be very interesting. I must thank all of you again for giving me things to think about. With this new information yesterday, I'm going to reread this thread and hope that I can figure out what I really want.
 
I think one of the biggest hurdles you're going to have to overcome if you take him back is can you ever trust him again? Can you face a future wondering every day if he's got another woman on the side? Unless you believe you can handle the doubts, think long and hard about whether your future happiness can include him.
 
Hi Marathoner,

Wow... that IS a change of events!

Having never been married, I can't really offer any advice on reconciliation. One thing I have learned (the hard way), however, is that you can never hope to have a 'healthy' relationship with an 'unhealthy' person - and it certainly sounds as if your husband has some issues.

This in mind, I have never personally witnessed a successful reconciliation following infidelity. Remember... you only learned of his cheating because HE told you about it, prior to his departure. Also, you will never be in a better position than now for a successful divorce settlement.

Finally, at the very least I'd suggest a lengthy separation... just to let the dust/emotions to settle. You may find that you are better off without him.

Whatever you decide... best of luck!

(Disclaimer: As a single male, I have a selfish interest in seeing more unattached, healthy, attractive, baggage-free women in this world.)
 
You're a runner. Run.
 
You can glue a broken mirror back together and it will work. But you will always be able to tell that it was broken.

Is this mirror that important to you?
 
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