Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

[Major Tom]

I can't quite get over the fact that he said he didn't want to pay you back for the 70K in student loans that you paid for him.

If you were to get back together he won't have to pay you back will he?

 

[easysurfer]

I think living with his "girlfriend" for a few days, it probably dawned on him, "Ooops! The grass is not always greener on the other side." But he had to find out the hard way instead of rationalizing this in the first place. We make our own beds and have to sleep in it.

 

[SarahW]

I think one of the biggest hurdles you're going to have to overcome if you take him back is can you ever trust him again? Can you face a future wondering every day if he's got another woman on the side? Unless you believe you can handle the doubts, think long and hard about whether your future happiness can include him.

THIS^^.


Marathoner--you'll be fine. You say you're not angry with him...but believe me, you will be. You'll go through the 7 stages of loss/grief and it will take a while, but in the end you will be stronger.

Since he is at his "girlfriend's house", take this opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change your locks. If you are still paying on his student loans...STOP. Make sure that everything you do going forward is in YOUR best interest. The sooner you can cut him entirely out of your life, the better. Good luck to you.

My ex also found himself a sweetie...at a Bible study class no less. Days before our divorce was final, he also decided that I was "the best thing he ever had" and wanted to return home. NOT. Thankfully, I was strong enough to tell him that ship had sailed.

 

[W2R]

he's basically moved in with her since last Saturday while her husband is out of town.

We talked yesterday so I could give him my attorney's information and I could get his (we are going to try collaborative divorce.) He got really sad, said he misses me and it was great to hear the sound of my voice. He thinks he made a huge mistake (after living with her for 3 days!)

So, after seeing how much fun it was to cheat on you, now he's cheating on her so he can get that thrill twice?

All I can say is no matter how this turns out, you need to make sure you "have all your ducks in a row" for a divorce if that should be necessary later on. Don't let him use this supposed desire for reconciliation as an opportunity to take any important files you might need for that, or to raid the bank accounts and so on.

 

[Nemo2]

Now we've got everything else squared away.....here's the REAL question...."What's your best marathon time?"

 

[bbbamI]

Marathoner...life isn't always black and white. There are many shades of grey.

IMO, you need to try and tune out the noise. Perhaps if the two of you live apart while he gets counseling, you'll have the time to consider how you feel.

My best to the both of you.

 

[Marathoner]

Now we've got everything else squared away.....here's the REAL question...."What's your best marathon time?"

Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.

 

[Moemg]

His colleagues probably told him enough divorce horror stories to make him think twice . I have known several couples who stayed together after an affair . It was not easy but they did it and are still together and seem happy .

 

[easysurfer]

THIS^^.


Marathoner--you'll be fine. You say you're not angry with him...but believe me, you will be. You'll go through the 7 stages of loss/grief and it will take a while, but in the end you will be stronger.

Since he is at his "girlfriend's house", take this opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change your locks. If you are still paying on his student loans...STOP. Make sure that everything you do going forward is in YOUR best interest. The sooner you can cut him entirely out of your life, the better. Good luck to you.

My ex also found himself a sweetie...at a Bible study class no less. Days before our divorce was final, he also decided that I was "the best thing he ever had" and wanted to return home. NOT. Thankfully, I was strong enough to tell him that ship had sailed.

+1

I agree that now is the time to take the opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change the locks.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd get roses from him, saying he'll never do this again...etc. But can you trust him? Also, if you try to reconcile, if he isn't serious, he'll probably go "oh forget it, pretend it never happened" and would you wish to go through that?

 

[Texas Proud]

Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.

If he has not moved from his GF's house, he is not that serious about getting back with you...

(I could say a lot more, but let's leave it at this right now)

 

[73ss454]

Hey, maybe when his girlfriends husband gets home and finds out what's going on he may change the whole outcome. I think funeral arrangements are cheaper if you make them before someones death.

 

[veremchuka]

Wow, I'm shocked, he wants to do what?! Look it's your life and your call.

I find it strange that he didn't just dive into the deep end of the pool he dove off a 50' cliff and had to time the incoming tide to boot! I think his drastic sudden behavior very troubling. How could he change so suddenly to dump you? And now after spending 2 or 3 days with her he thinks he wants to come back? This man is mentally unstable IMO.

How could you ever trust him again? Won't you always wonder where he is if he is late or fails to call? Once trust is broken it is like that mirror, you can glue it back together but you will always see the cracks. How would you feel being back in this position again in say 2 or 5 or 10 years?

Good luck to you, you sound like a great lady, too bad I'm 30 years too old for you! I hope you decide what is right for you.

 

[FinanceDude]

Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.

Only you and he can decide if the marriage is salvagable.

 

[antmary]

Marathoner,
Years ago my then husband cheated on me. We went to counseling, but I never trusted him again...especially after he cheated on me again. I was still too "deer in the headlights" to just leave. He finally left me when his mother died, and left him some money.

I thank God now that he left me when I was still in my 30's, and able to start over again. I have been married my current husband for 22 years who is honorable, trust-worthy, handsome, financially secure, and treats me like a queen. (I treat him like a king also).

My lesson was this: I needed to grow a spine, and I did. Also, I endeavor to surround myself only with people who love and support who I am and who I am not.

Best of luck. Remember this: you are the parent of your elder self: be sure to honor your 70 year-old within. Your decision today shall have a rippling effect for the rest of your life.

 

[Nords]

And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed.

Considering all the surprises he's pulled off so far, I'm not sure how you'd tell.

 

[Nemo2]

Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year.

Not bad!! I only did one...in Jiddah, after an R&R, age 41, before my knees gave out (osteoarthritis, no cartilage either knee).......I had two running buddies, (had beaten them both at every other distance), who had previously crossed the line together at 3:20 in another race, so I figured 3:15 would be a breeze.

It was an out-and-back, and at the turnaround I felt better than I had at the start.......then......3:46. (I blame it all on the R&R and associated beverage consumption.)

So.....if you can better a 3:28 you can do ANYTHING!

Good luck!

 

[Walt34]

I see a parallel between this and investment loss aversion, the reluctance to sell a declining stock because of the inability to get back what one paid for it and the reluctance to "cut the losses and run".

While you have a lot invested in the marriage, both financially and emotionally, ask yourself this:

Knowing what you know now, would you still marry him?

Either way you decide, where will you likely be five, ten, twenty years from now? More importantly, where do you want to be?

 

[Amethyst]

Wow. What a great way to put it.

Amethyst

Marathoner,

Best of luck. Remember this: you are the parent of your elder self: be sure to honor your 70 year-old within. .

 

[Meadbh]

There are a lot of women who are physically abused by their partners and keep coming back in the hope they will change. They never do. Sometimes it ends fatally.

I'm not suggesting you are physically abused, but you are being mentally abused. Whatever you do, take charge. Don't be a victim.

 

[figner]

Marathoner, sorry you're going through this crazy time. Just wanted to add that even if you try counseling/reconciliation, it might help to keep living apart for a while. It can be hard to think objectively about a relationship when your daily lives are so entwined.

And I gotta say, were I in your shoes, I'd want some really good assurance why all this wouldn't happen again in the future! Especially the part about him not valuing your contributions to his degree/career!

 

[tangomonster]

And I gotta say, were I in your shoes, I'd want some really good assurance why all this wouldn't happen again in the future! Especially the part about him not valuing your contributions to his degree/career!

And why your reading is such an annoyance to him......

I think we are holding more of a grudge against him than you are!

 

[Keim]

...I think we are holding more of a grudge against him than you are!

That's because he has been a horses ass, and we're emotionally far enough removed to be able to see it clearly.

 

[oldtrig]

I would hate to comment on what I would do. Time changes lots of things. Give it some time and see what happens. I made it past 41 years with my best friend. I do wish you well. You seem like such a nice person. Take care. Oldtrig

 

[East Texas]

<snip> We talked yesterday so I could give him my attorney's information and I could get his (we are going to try collaborative divorce.) He got really sad, said he misses me and it was great to hear the sound of my voice. He thinks he made a huge mistake (after living with her for 3 days!) He has an appointment with the counselor tomorrow morning, so he wants to talk after that.

I don't even know what to think. I thought he would try to come back, but in no way did I think it would happen so soon. I guess I'll have to see what he says tomorrow. I had just about gotten my mind in a place where I was getting excited about what the future might bring and then this happens.

My alarm bells are going off big time. Some reconciliations happen because the [-]guilty[/-] estranged partner wants time to financially position him/herself so they don't get taken to the cleaners when the divorce actually happens. This gives him/her a lot of leeway in liquidating and hiding assets and lots of time and opporunity to get dirt on or create a situation that would cause "dirt" on the spouse. Then there's leverage to argue fault (in case the state is not no-fault) or have alimony (if an alimony state) significantly reduced. He could come out of the marriage financially better by just waiting a few months.

On the other side of the coin, there's rarely a "honey I did this just one time" situation. If he comes back, it's just a matter of time before he leaves. I'd also be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.

As you might be able to tell, I'm not a proponent of reconciliations. You're in a good situation right now. You're young. You don't have any children with him (custody fights are a terrible thing). Have a serious conversation with your attorney to find out what would be in your best financial interest.

 

[HFWR]

Finally, at the very least I'd suggest a lengthy separation... just to let the dust/emotions to settle.

This...

I'm not qualified to give marriage advice, but I'm pretty good at divorces...