IndependentlyPoor
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I liked the movie. Does that count?
How Far Will You Go Into Someone Else's Life?
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W2R
Moderator Emeritus
No! It doesn't count.
donheff
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
But what if he punches you in the face?
Danmar
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I only give advice when asked. Only people who ever asked were my mother and daughter. That suits me just fine.
Trying to change someone else is futile at best & often as not makes things worse. Regarding friends & relative's marital choices, the reality is that no one outside of that marriage really knows what is going on. There are rarely innocent parties in marital woes. Sometimes it is just incompatibility that triggers the worst in each spouse. The apparently standup spouse. Could. In reality be very abusive. Or not. Outsiders simply don't know. I just give noncommital supportive and keep my personal prejudices to myself in these cases. The decisions have to be made for each individual. My choices may or may not be the right ones for someone else. Plus the aggreived party can turn on you in a heartbeat with accusations of interferring if you agree with them about their spouse.
When it comes to addicts or other toxic people, helping usually makes things worse. You pretty much need pros to attempt an intervention with any hope of success. I simply do what I need to keep myself and others safe. These are seriously self-destructive people and they will drag you down with them if you let them. Only if there is a honest cry for help will it have any positive effect. It is really important in dealing wth toxic people to have strong & healthy personal boundaries.
I don't let other people including relatives know what monetary resources I have. Maybe I'm selfish but I have what I need to be secure and didn't get some things so I would be secure. Others who are not so "fortunate" invariably made foolish choices repeatedly instead of my LBYM choices. If I allow my spendthrift relations to tap me, it won't be long before I'm no longer secure.
When it comes to addicts or other toxic people, helping usually makes things worse. You pretty much need pros to attempt an intervention with any hope of success. I simply do what I need to keep myself and others safe. These are seriously self-destructive people and they will drag you down with them if you let them. Only if there is a honest cry for help will it have any positive effect. It is really important in dealing wth toxic people to have strong & healthy personal boundaries.
I don't let other people including relatives know what monetary resources I have. Maybe I'm selfish but I have what I need to be secure and didn't get some things so I would be secure. Others who are not so "fortunate" invariably made foolish choices repeatedly instead of my LBYM choices. If I allow my spendthrift relations to tap me, it won't be long before I'm no longer secure.
kumquat
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Ditto.
Great thread, Ha.
Having suffered through very dysfunctional family situations, I've learned the following:
If a certain behavior in any way would harm me or someone I care about, then they will get my opinion whether they like it or not - your example of the car keys with the drunk is a good one. I frankly don't care usually if you wish to hurt yourself but if you take someone with you, then I have a problem if it is someone I care about. Drugs, drinking, gambling - any of those addictive behaviors are not those which I condone because they are destructive to many - and unfortunately, it takes a long time to figure out how to defend yourself as one of the bystanders.
With that, if asked for advice, I will give it. Otherwise, I won't. What I find interesting, however, is my friends come to me when they really need support - something has happened that rocks their world and for some reason, they think I can help them. I'm a very loyal person, but I can also be dispassionate in analyzing a situation and helping them see a larger picture. However, I don't expect them to take my advice - I'm just glad they asked.
My circle of friends and family that I share that type of a relationship with is quite small, however. Which is good, I'm busy doing other stuff
Having suffered through very dysfunctional family situations, I've learned the following:
If a certain behavior in any way would harm me or someone I care about, then they will get my opinion whether they like it or not - your example of the car keys with the drunk is a good one. I frankly don't care usually if you wish to hurt yourself but if you take someone with you, then I have a problem if it is someone I care about. Drugs, drinking, gambling - any of those addictive behaviors are not those which I condone because they are destructive to many - and unfortunately, it takes a long time to figure out how to defend yourself as one of the bystanders.
With that, if asked for advice, I will give it. Otherwise, I won't. What I find interesting, however, is my friends come to me when they really need support - something has happened that rocks their world and for some reason, they think I can help them. I'm a very loyal person, but I can also be dispassionate in analyzing a situation and helping them see a larger picture. However, I don't expect them to take my advice - I'm just glad they asked.
My circle of friends and family that I share that type of a relationship with is quite small, however. Which is good, I'm busy doing other stuff
Orchidflower
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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I try to keep my yap shut with giving too much advice to others--and I never would interfere with someone's marriage or how they raised their children unless I saw abuse--but I would say something definitely if I saw someone making a totally stupid business move and have before. They went ahead with their own plan anyway, and came back to tell me they wish they had listened. I told them just to consider it one of life's lessons and try again.
Khan
Gone but not forgotten
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I have occasionally been asked for advice (weird to be 'an elder'); always respond with a disclaimer.
toofrugalformycat
Full time employment: Posting here.
No successful interventions here, but possibly some suicides prevented, just because I'm a good listener (I'm told).
OP
OP
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I am the youngest in my family, and amongst my siblings my advice and input is valued at zero, because they pretty much treat me like I am still 11. This came up in spades when we planned my parents 50th anniversary.
I married the oldest in her family. She is one of six, and was basically Mom jr. to a lot of her siblings. Because of that, and my general prudence I am sought after adviser and have spent many an hour ginning up small spreadsheets to help people budget or re-write a resume or even counsel on relationships. Its really strange to live this double life. Part of it is cultural. Hers is a lively italian family, mine is a bit WASP-ie.
My father is a big Ayn Rand style libertarian, and his ethos of letting people make their own choices has a big impact too. When my leg was amputated at 22, dosed in morphine I had decide on whether to try to save the limb or surgically sever it. My entire family would not express a single opinion on the topic. It was 100% up to me. I get the idea (not to decide for me), but I could have used a little advice then. I went with the amputation, if you are curious.
Other than advising my wife's family I don't really give advice to others. And certainly don't meddle. It doesn't change anything. If a person is receptive, I think I can have an influence. But it comes mostly from them, not me.
I married the oldest in her family. She is one of six, and was basically Mom jr. to a lot of her siblings. Because of that, and my general prudence I am sought after adviser and have spent many an hour ginning up small spreadsheets to help people budget or re-write a resume or even counsel on relationships. Its really strange to live this double life. Part of it is cultural. Hers is a lively italian family, mine is a bit WASP-ie.
My father is a big Ayn Rand style libertarian, and his ethos of letting people make their own choices has a big impact too. When my leg was amputated at 22, dosed in morphine I had decide on whether to try to save the limb or surgically sever it. My entire family would not express a single opinion on the topic. It was 100% up to me. I get the idea (not to decide for me), but I could have used a little advice then. I went with the amputation, if you are curious.
Other than advising my wife's family I don't really give advice to others. And certainly don't meddle. It doesn't change anything. If a person is receptive, I think I can have an influence. But it comes mostly from them, not me.
Amethyst
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Yes, I have been told that as well (that talking to me, helped keep someone from killing herself). It was a strange feeling, since all I did was talk to the person same as I would to anyone. I wasn't consciously trying to save anybody.
It certainly beats the opposite, being so boring that people would kill themselves to get away.
Amethyst
NW-Bound
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It certainly beats the opposite, being so boring that people would kill themselves to get away.
Will someone just PM me to stop posting if I am so boring, please?
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