How Far Will You Go Into Someone Else's Life?

[ziggy29]

One of my co-workers was clearly alcoholic. I said to her, “of course, you don’t have a drinking problem.” She went ballistic, “yes, I do!”

Step One.

 

[fritz]

A lot of these replies reaffirm that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to not interfere.

 

[Nords]

In most cases I'd find it difficult to live with the knowledge that my deliberate lack of action allowed a situation to get worse. I don't think I'd jump into something involving total strangers where I probably don't know the whole picture. But with friends, where someone's tried to tell me the whole story, I'd feel obligated to ask questions... even if they're just "Really? And how's that workin' for ya?"

I think the approach makes a big difference, too. It's probably not very productive to start out with "You must be nuts to think you can make that work" or "I'd do it this way" or "Girlfriend, you are so DENIED". However I think it's acceptably non-confrontational to ask "I'm curious about tackling that challenge; how are you handling the statistic that 90% of those plans fail within the first year?" or "Gosh, I'd be really worried about losing my house if I didn't have a Plan B for coping with events outside of my control."

In our house the shorthand version of that conversation is "Great idea. What's your plan?" or "Great idea... but no plan. Hmmm."

If it was also a situation with a fear that more involvement would potentially ruin a relationship, then perhaps the relationship was already on shaky grounds. A real relationship could handle a few rocky passages like this, and ideally would grow stronger.

I'd have no problem separating a drunk from his car keys. No tolerance for the results of that situation.

 

[Zero]

Hard to know what the cue is to offer advice. There seems to be a fine line between caring and the need to interject. If asked I'd stress that my opinions are based on limited knowledge of all that is involved and try to give support and offer my best advice.

It seems very easy to get involved at some superficial level where just a quick piece of advice makes us feel good for a moment, but quite another to say, "brother, lean on me for a bit and let's see if I am able to help you." And actually put in the effort to make a difference in the other person's struggles.

Take a drunk's keys and the road is safe from him that night, cure a drunk's addiction and the road is safe from him forever. One is easy, the other hard.

 

[TromboneAl]

Good post, Ha. As for physically taking the keys from a drunk, it's a tough question. How would you have felt if he'd killed someone on the way home?

A year or two back, I gave my sister the book Younger Next Year. Every time I see her, she tells me how grateful she is and how it's changed her life. So, people do change. Of course she's screwed now, because I have license to work on her other faults.

 

[bright eyed]

Such an interesting post. I have a hard time butting out I have a small group of long time friends who I love dearly and I feel so invested in their problems - but I have been working hard on having better boundaries and stepping out a lot sooner.

Heck, I found this board after a friend was given crappy investment advice and decided to take the bait - I ended up learning a lot more than her but we did go a few rounds of disagreement before I dropped it.

And with the grown up kid - man is that the question I ask myself daily. I've found giving advice is often wasted so I try to not share anymore - but sometimes he steps in the doo doo so bad - I have to ask him if he can smell it... and he keeps giving me positive reinforcement by improving after the lectures... if he'd only ignore the lectures then he would stop getting those (they are often more like loud rants).

It's often hard to switch on and off since one of my roles at work is to give advice and coaching - it's highly valued there, but not so much with familiy and friends!!

 

[Martha]

This is really tough. It seems like all of us want to respect boundaries.

I have been part of a successful drug/alcohol intervention with the person now clean and sober for 25 years.

I unsuccessfully tried to get someone to leave her spouse. We all knew something was not right with him. Should have tried harder. Turned out the spouse was abusing the kids, resulting in the suicide of one of the children.

Since that occurred I am far more likely to say exactly what I think.

 

[Moemg]

I gave up on giving advice years ago . It is usually not appreciated and sometimes seems like meddling . When my daughter got married I decided to zip it and never be a pushy MIL . This has worked great now I wish someone would tell her I dont need advice on how to run my life .

 

[NW-Bound]

I unsuccessfully tried to get someone to leave her spouse. We all knew something was not right with him. Should have tried harder. Turned out the spouse was abusing the kids, resulting in the suicide of one of the children.

Since that occurred I am far more likely to say exactly what I think.

Most of us have not been in that situation. However, if it appears that child abuse is involved, same as many people here, I would have no qualm about calling the police.

 

[haha]

Good post, Ha. As for physically taking the keys from a drunk, it's a tough question. How would you have felt if he'd killed someone on the way home?

Or himself- bad either way. I just don't like physical confrontations, so I have kind of an autopilot stay away reaction. Also, I hadn't been around him much as we lived many states apart and I really didn't have a protocol ready to call on.

After Laurence and your comments, I think I might give it a shot, if I thought it would't likely involve me in a fight.

Ha

 

[Sam]

How far? I go ALL THE WAY. But only with people I care: My children, my brothers, sisters and their family.

Of course I don't even dare to give advice (let alone interfering) about something I don't know. But when I do and I feel that they are going down the wrong path, I step in whether they ask for help or not. I'd rather be hated by some of them. But doing so I can sleep at night, I can have respect for myself. Unfortunately, I have been right more than wrong. Unfortunately, some of my "forceful" advices were not followed. When the disastrous outcomes materialize, I was able to smile knowing that I did my best.

Obviously I want to be loved, but not for the wrong reason.

 

[Texas Proud]

Or himself- bad either way. I just don't like physical confrontations, so I have kind of an autopilot stay away reaction. Also, I hadn't been around him much as we lived many states apart and I really didn't have a protocol ready to call on.

After Laurence and your comments, I think I might give it a shot, if I thought it would't likely involve me in a fight.

Ha

Yes... the last statement if the telling one.... Back in high school... they took the keys from someone who was drunk... but all it started was a fight as he though he was 'just fine' to drive... and he was bigger and stronger than the one who took the keys, so even drunk he could kick your a$$.... nobody tried to do it a second time....

 

[Martha]

Most of us have not been in that situation. However, if it appears that child abuse is involved, same as many people here, I would have no qualm about calling the police.

I had no idea that child abuse was involved. I just knew that the guy was a controlling ass. Children are very good at covering up abuse.

 

[bbbamI]

I'm having that problem right now too. I've learned that my opinion is not wanted at all. It's very hard biting the tongue all the time...it's sore.

I'm pretty much not speaking with her right now unless she speaks to me first.

Even though I have a very close relationship with my parents, it took me almost 50 years to realize they know a thing or two. As a matter of fact, I listen to them now more than I ever have.

Hang in there....

 

[Zero]

Seems like there is a tendency to assume our advice is/was "good stuff" and would have been the saving grace for that poor less intelligent soul. In my case the example was 40 years ago when I vehemently warned my mom not to re-marry, that the bum she was dating was riff-raff and just after her money.

Well they were married against all "my" good judgment and after 30 years he did exactly what I had warned, broke her heart. He callously had a heart attack and left her a widow.

See, I was right. She still refuses to admit I was right and for some unknown reason she defends him as the love of her life. Go figure. I know I couldn't have been wrong, I'm never wrong, never.

 

[Dawg52]

Thank goodness my relatives are pretty normal (without damaging dependencies or noticeable financial issues)

Same here. So no stories to tell. But if one wanted my opinion, I would give it. But none gives a rip what I think anyway.

 

[LARS]

IMHO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving advice. The problem arises how you do it and once you have given it. Most cannot give advice in a dispassionate fashion, and more importantly, disassociate any further contact surrounding that advice. Most become emotionally involved in the outcome, and continue to push for that outcome, and therein is the problem.

I greatly admire TE Lawrence (of Lawrence of Arabia fame): One of the reasons for my admiration is that Lawrence would make a statement once, if you weren’t smart enough to see his point, he moved on, wasting no more energy trying to convince someone of his position.

 

[haha]

I greatly admire TE Lawrence (of Lawrence of Arabia fame): One of the reasons for my admiration is that Lawrence would make a statement once, if you weren’t smart enough to see his point, he moved on, wasting no more energy trying to convince someone of his position.

Is this found in Seven Pillars of Wisdom?

Ha

 

[Martha]

IMHO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving advice. The problem arises how you do it and once you have given it. Most cannot give advice in a dispassionate fashion, and more importantly, disassociate any further contact surrounding that advice. Most become emotionally involved in the outcome, and continue to push for that outcome, and therein is the problem.

I greatly admire TE Lawrence (of Lawrence of Arabia fame): One of the reasons for my admiration is that Lawrence would make a statement once, if you weren’t smart enough to see his point, he moved on, wasting no more energy trying to convince someone of his position.

Good points.

 

[TromboneAl]

Or himself- bad either way. I just don't like physical confrontations,

I've never thought about it before, but perhaps an alternative to physically taking the keys would be:

Call 911 in front of your friend and say "My drunk friend, license plate 409 EFG is considering driving from 345 W 51 Street to his home at 314 Elm. Would you like to talk to him to help him decide?"

 

[haha]

That is brilliant Al. The situation will likely never occur again, but if it does I now have a plan.

Ha

 

[LARS]

Is this found in Seven Pillars of Wisdom?

Ha

Not so much in SEVEN PILLARS as conclusions I have drawn from reading his letters and various biographies.

A fascinating individual and I encourage you to spend time learning about him if you have read SEVEN PILLARS and found it interesting. Lawrence was truly an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shrouded in mystery: he went from being Colonel Lawrence and known throughout the world as "Lawrence of Arabia" to TE Shaw, a simply aircraftman in the RAF.

 

[IndependentlyPoor]

I tried reading the Seven Pillars once. Didn't make it 100 pages. It ranks right up there with Ulysses in my list of books that are definitely above my pay grade.

 

[CuppaJoe]

I tried reading the Seven Pillars once. Didn't make it 100 pages. It ranks right up there with Ulysses in my list of books that are definitely above my pay grade.

I'm in deep trouble if it is above your pay grade. I'm going through Ulysses now as we speak, with cheat sheets. I trudge on believing the blurb about there being an easy chapter in there somewhere.

 

[W2R]

I was crazy about Seven Pillars of Wisdom back in Junior High. I read it several times even though it wasn't on our school reading list (so it didn't "count"). I thought Lawrence was the most magnificent, adventuresome, exciting, handsome man and all that implies when a young girl thinks such things.

Maybe it is more exciting to a junior high school girl than to a grown man, IP. Also I probably skipped over some of the less vibrant sections.

When the movie came out in 1962, I was in seventh heaven since I had already read the book at least 4 times. The movie was pretty good but I felt it skipped over so much.