How to protect alcoholic relative?

[Scuba]

I have a relative in her mid 60’s who is a severe alcoholic. She lives across the country from me. A few months ago, Adult Protective Services removed her husband from their home because she was in the hospital and he couldn’t be left home alone. He is 83 and has Alzheimer’s, and now lives in a care facility. Since then, her life has spiraled downwards - she hasn’t been able to stay sober, got two DUI’s within one month (fortunately no one was hurt and she no longer has a car so can’t do that again), hasn’t kept up with her bills, etc.

Enter a neighbor who has been helping her in many ways - taking her to the grocery store, helping her around the house with various tasks, and advising her on how to straighten out her life. Because of her heavy drinking and denial thereof over the last 10+ years, she has alienated most friends and family, so this neighbor has become very important to her.

Mr. Helpful Neighbor has suggested he move into my relative’s home rent-free in exchange for continuing to help in similar ways, and if she goes to jail for her DUI’s, he will live in her house and watch her pets while she’s away.

I was already suspicious of his motives for being so helpful, and the suggestion that he move in was a huge red flag to me. I finally got his name from her today. I googled him and I’m pretty sure he is a convicted felon! He was sentenced a few years ago in a con man scheme involving theft of lots of $$$ from several wealthy individuals.

I need to validate that the neighbor is the same person as the ex-felon, but that should be easy. Assuming I’m correct, she isn’t making good decisions and if I tell her his background, she may not be concerned. He seems to be quite a skilled con artist and has her bamboozled into singing his praises. I imagine he could pretty easily convince her that he was innocent.

Is there anything DH and I can do, short of trying to get legal guardianship of her which we don’t want, to protect her interests? She doesn’t have much money but does have a paid for home and I’m afraid he may take it away from her, especially if she goes away for a jail sentence. She could get home and find the locks changed.

 

[joeea]

Is there anything DH and I can do, short of trying to get legal guardianship of her which we don’t want, to protect her interests?

You could inform her of your findings, and hope that in a moment of clarity she makes the right decision. Perhaps there's someone else she has trust in and you could enlist that person's help in persuading her.

Other than that, she is an adult and hasn't (yet?) been declared mentally incapable of running her own life, so there's little else to be done here.

I suppose you could threaten the friendly neighbor, but that's probably not wise.

 

[Bamaman]

The state's Department of Human Resources is not just for child protective services. There may be something they can do to protect her--or suggest some agency that can help her.

 

[cooch96]

You can call the local PD. Checking in on local ex-cons based on tips is a regular thing they do. I doubt anything immediate would come of it, but something might shake loose. At least you’d get another pair of eyes on the situation.

 

[Aerides]

Perhaps look for an elder-care attorney in the area she lives, and call them for advice?

Since she's a senior, you suspect is being taken advantage of, that may have some legal parameter that is more effective than if she was just a 50 year old being a twit.

 

[Rianne]

Reach out to a church community or organization in the area. I'm not a religious sort, but was for over 50 years. There are empathetic, caring people in church environments. Maybe someone could check on her, bring meals on wheels, notify Dr or hospitals if needed. Sounds like she needs a friend, one not interested in taking her life savings. Loneliness brings on depression. Someone to talk to would help her.

 

[pj.mask]

How much money is at stake? Kids? In some rural areas there are a few x cons who just want to get by. Free rent and food seems like a good deal (are you certain he is trying to get more than that?)

An option could be a trust for assets and some type of written agreement to prevent squatter/eviction problems. This could be proposed for other reasons (protect assets from hospital/lawsuits - manage affairs while in hospital)

It doesn’t sound like your relative is an angel - this may not be a completely terrible situation. Also consider longevity of alcoholics.

I’d be more concerned about them reinforcing each other’s bad behaviors (drugs/drinking)

 

[Jerry1]

How much money is at stake? Kids? In some rural areas there are a few x cons who just want to get by. Free rent and food seems like a good deal (are you certain he is trying to get more than that?)

An option could be a trust for assets and some type of written agreement to prevent squatter/eviction problems. This could be proposed for other reasons (protect assets from hospital/lawsuits - manage affairs while in hospital)

It doesn’t sound like your relative is an angel - this may not be a completely terrible situation. Also consider longevity of alcoholics.

I’d be more concerned about them reinforcing each other’s bad behaviors (drugs/drinking)

This is what I was thinking. Since the house is the main asset, have it put in a trust. Might be a hard sell, but that’s what I think I would try to encourage first.

Another (crazy) thought was to loan her some money (nominal amount) and put a lien on her house. At least then you’d be notified if the title was attempted to be transferred. Again, crazy, I know, but probably effective.

 

[pacergal]

Contact any of their children, if there are any.
Contact local police department.
Contact local Adult Protective services.
Likely, the last two mentioned will continue to involve you in her life, as they will have your contact number.

 

[ncbill]

Elderly alcoholic adults are often taken in hand by the local Adult Protective Services...I've had it happen to an ex-uncle of mine.

That may be the best option for her.

 

[strobot]

As others have noted on here already (and the harshness of this statement doesn't go unnoticed), she is an adult and has every right to squander her assets away as she pleases. If anything, I would focus on the husband and seeing how you can best help him. If she were in a similar deteriorated mental state, then you and your family obviously have cause to go intervene. It is painful to watch (I've watched it happen), but there are predators out there that prey on the weak. In this case, it doesn't appear like anything (yet) illegal has occurred.

 

[LimaPop]

I'm a bit of a free-will minded person, this is her life and her life choices and if she only sabotages her own life, I'd stay out of it.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Sad. What would happen to her if the friendly but suspicious neighbor were out of the picture? Do you think she would change? How do you see this story going as far as your involvement goes from across the country?

 

[strobot]

Sad. What would happen to her if the friendly but suspicious neighbor were out of the picture? Do you think she would change? How do you see this story going as far as your involvement goes from across the country?

You bring up a good point. OP noted that this has happened for what, a decade or so? Why intervene now? Just because she might lose the house?

 

[Elbata]

If the felon guy is up to no good, is there a chance you could find a neighbor of hers, discuss the situation, and have neighbor check-in weekly on her?

Perhaps the felon is using her for own means. But in a weird way, it could also be of benefit to your relative (and felon). It might work, and if someone could keep an eye out (and knows someone is checking on her), you could have some peace of mind. Certainly a lot less expensive than 24 hour care.

 

[jazz4cash]

I don’t understand why treatment for alcoholism is not mentioned.

Is there a chance the ex-felon just wants a 2nd chance after paying his dues?

I think the trust idea has merit or maybe transfer the home to you or another family member. Make contact with the friendly neighbor so he knows the family is aware of her circumstances in case he thinks she’s an easy mark.

 

[Starsky]

Until your relative makes the decision to seek help for her disease, she will likely resent and/or reject whatever help you are offering. There is no amount of help you can give that will make her life better. Even if/when you alleviate this issue, it would most certainly be followed by something else.

The harsh truth is this: The only real solution for her is to hit rock bottom and seek help. By helping her, you are only making it harder for her to get to the help she really needs.

It can be very hard to watch the people you care about slowly kill themselves. I've been there a few times with F&F, and usually the survival instinct eventually kicks in, but it's only after things become truly desperate. As a child, I also watched an senior - a 'friend' under the care of my grandmother - lay in bed and consume more than a liter of vodka a day for a few years until he died in his own crapulence. (He helped her buy a home if she would take care of him. it was very strange, gross and old-school.)

Without treatment, hardcore alcoholism is a terminal disease. Because of past experience, I've gotten to the point that I reject helping my alcoholic family and friends deal with consequences of their drinking for fear of enabling them - and they understand why I do it. It can feel terrible to say 'no', but I know it's the right thing to do. Not my circus. Lessons learned.

 

[Chuckanut]

A few thoughts:

1. Addiction is a primary disease. Fixing other parts of their lives won't don't any good until the addiction is treated.

2. Allowing a person to hit rock bottom only works if we know what rock bottom is for them. For many addicts rock bottom is death.

3. Enabling the addict doesn't work. I think most of us agree on that.

4. The best way to help an addict who won't accept help (other than on his or her own terms, which usually are not reasonable) is to help yourself. Join a group like Alanon that is designed to help family and friends of addicts. People find out they are not alone. Most importantly you learn how to prevent the addict from pulling your strings and sucking the life energy out of you. And you begin to regain control of your life. You can't help an addict if you let them turn your life into a mess.

5. There are ways to try and help an addict. Some of them work for some addicts. There is no way to know ahead of time what works with whom.

 

[dirtbiker]

I have a relative in her mid 60’s who is a severe alcoholic. She lives across the country from me. A few months ago, Adult Protective Services removed her husband from their home because she was in the hospital and he couldn’t be left home alone. He is 83 and has Alzheimer’s, and now lives in a care facility. Since then, her life has spiraled downwards - she hasn’t been able to stay sober, got two DUI’s within one month (fortunately no one was hurt and she no longer has a car so can’t do that again), hasn’t kept up with her bills, etc.

Enter a neighbor who has been helping her in many ways - taking her to the grocery store, helping her around the house with various tasks, and advising her on how to straighten out her life. Because of her heavy drinking and denial thereof over the last 10+ years, she has alienated most friends and family, so this neighbor has become very important to her.

Mr. Helpful Neighbor has suggested he move into my relative’s home rent-free in exchange for continuing to help in similar ways, and if she goes to jail for her DUI’s, he will live in her house and watch her pets while she’s away.

I was already suspicious of his motives for being so helpful, and the suggestion that he move in was a huge red flag to me. I finally got his name from her today. I googled him and I’m pretty sure he is a convicted felon! He was sentenced a few years ago in a con man scheme involving theft of lots of $$$ from several wealthy individuals.

I need to validate that the neighbor is the same person as the ex-felon, but that should be easy. Assuming I’m correct, she isn’t making good decisions and if I tell her his background, she may not be concerned. He seems to be quite a skilled con artist and has her bamboozled into singing his praises. I imagine he could pretty easily convince her that he was innocent.

Is there anything DH and I can do, short of trying to get legal guardianship of her which we don’t want, to protect her interests? She doesn’t have much money but does have a paid for home and I’m afraid he may take it away from her, especially if she goes away for a jail sentence. She could get home and find the locks changed.

This neighbor sounds like bad news to me. Big red flags all the way around. Sure there is a chance he is reformed and is looking to make things right... But I wouldn't bet on it. Once a con man always a con man as far as I'm concerned. I'd rather be wrong about him having bad intentions than being wrong about him having good intentions.

She needs help with her alcoholism. Have you talked to her about rehab? She's not going to quit if she doesn't want to. But the only way to know if she does is to talk to her. She may also have underlying depression, which may be a big reason she is drinking so much. It's very common in alcoholics. She needs professional help.

In the end, you can only suggest and push for this, but she's an adult and can make her own decisions. This being said, it doesn't mean you should stop trying. Waiting for her to hit rock bottom before intervening is not the right answer. As was mentioned earlier, what is rock bottom? Losing her home? In the hospital? Dead?

Sorry you're going through this. How close are you to her? Is she immediate family or a more distant relative?

 

[Amethyst]

All that you say is true, but consider that the relative has been close to the ex-felon for a long time and probably cares for him...especially since her own husband probably doesn't recognize her any more. Mr. Ex-felon's is probably the only friendly, admiring voice she ever hears.

How would she be likely to react to some well-meaning stranger from a church? She would likely see it as an intrusion, and resent any attempt to interfere with her existing relationship. I think it would be quite hard to convince the kindest church person to persist, in the face of complete disinterest or even hostility.

Reach out to a church community or organization in the area... There are empathetic, caring people in church environments. Maybe someone could check on her, bring meals on wheels, notify Dr or hospitals if needed. Sounds like she needs a friend, one not interested in taking her life savings. Loneliness brings on depression. Someone to talk to would help her.

 

[Scuba]

This relative is my sister. Over the years I’ve tried to help her get treatment many times. She went to an in-patient rehab once but only to get a DUI dismissed and IMO never truly intended to stop drinking. She has also had professional counselors almost non-stop for 20 years, but I don’t think she’s been honest with them or maintained a long-term relationship with any particular one so it hasn’t seemed to help much. Denial has been strong.

I’ve been to Al-Anon and concluded that sad as it was, she had to make her own choices and there was nothing I could do other than to try to be as supportive as I could without enabling her. I set some boundaries and maintained a relationship with her as best I could, mostly from across the country although I have visited every 2-3 years.

Her husband was removed from their home in late June. He does still recognize people and is reasonably functional as his Alzheimer’s is not that advanced yet. It is only in the last 2-3 months that Mr. Ex-Felon has become friendly with her. The other friends she has that she’s known for many years all think this guy is a con man and bad news. While he has genuinely helped her to some degree, I believe this will not end well.

I contacted Adult Protective Services. Unfortunately she doesn’t meet their technical definition of a “vulnerable adult.” They told me if others called and reported concerns, they might be able to take some action, but even then until something illegal is done, they are unlikely to help. The FBI has a financial fraud elder abuse hotline which I also called. They took information from me and seemed to take it seriously, but the information-taker couldn’t comment on what their next steps would be. They suggested calling local law enforcement for a welfare check. I haven’t done that yet as I am 100% sure that my sister would say everything is wonderful with the attention she is getting from the person she calls “her new best friend.”

I understand why many feel that she’s an adult and should be left alone to make her own mistakes, but I would really hate to see her lose her home. Someone asked “why now?” Until recently, her alcohol abuse was a problem but she was still somewhat functional. Now her life is falling apart - she’s behind on bills, may be facing jail time for DUI’s, is no longer her husband’s caregiver which has been a big part of her life, and she now has this con man on the scene which hasn’t been the case in the past.

I suppose I could just watch her spiral downward further, but it doesn’t seem right to me to not even try to help her protect her assets. I haven’t shared his background information with her yet. I have suggested she should be careful and definitely should not let him move in, but she’s so awed by how wonderful he is that I don’t know if she’d believe anything negative about him.

Frankly I’m not sure what the best way to handle this is. DH and I are thinking of making a trip down to be visible, meet this guy, meet some other neighbors, and see if we can work with my sister to put any legal protections in place. First we plan to follow the suggested path of contacting an elder care attorney for advice.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my OP and make suggestions. I do agree that the root cause of all of this is the addiction to alcohol. I have accepted that I cannot help her with that if she doesn’t want to stop, and hard as it has been, I had somewhat made peace with that. I never thought this type of situation would happen. Honestly I thought she would drink herself to death and that I couldn’t prevent it.

 

[Amethyst]

She has two problems that would need to be solved: alcoholism, and loneliness. These are two extremely powerful forces that can drive people to the most irrational behavior.

You are a fantastic sister for caring so much. Making a trip to show the flag sounds like a good first step.

 

[Moemg]

IMO making a trip to visit your sister is a great idea . It will show the con man someone is watching.

 

[Scuba]

She has two problems that would need to be solved: alcoholism, and loneliness. These are two extremely powerful forces that can drive people to the most irrational behavior.

You are a fantastic sister for caring so much. Making a trip to show the flag sounds like a good first step.

Thank you. You are right, she is lonely in addition to being an alcoholic.

 

[Chuckanut]

Your love and caring for your sister really shines through this discussion.