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Old 11-13-2009, 04:11 PM   #2101
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It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was
very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and
consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw
her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a
woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing
shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make
bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me,
the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very
proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners
couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would
do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the
chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to
become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all,
something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle
to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some
apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way
that I could make heads or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was
communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil
like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but,
being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I
was great shakes at-- and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a
terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time
to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only
called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres,
trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps
even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a
savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she
was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently.

The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at
length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave
at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me.

To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and
have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she
has requited it.
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:36 PM   #2102
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A little known baseball fact...

The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important.
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:27 AM   #2103
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
A little known baseball fact...

The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men
to realize that their brain is also important.
ROFLMAO!
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:31 PM   #2104
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:16 AM   #2105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
The first testicular guard (cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1971. It took nearly 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Hey, a headache is one thing. The pain from being hit by a baseball "there" is something one never forgets. And will go to any extreme to avoid repeating.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:55 PM   #2106
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called a lifeline.

I got a freakin call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.


They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
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Old 11-19-2009, 12:47 PM   #2107
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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *ss that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
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Old 11-21-2009, 01:58 AM   #2108
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A family had identical twins named Juan and Amal.

Amal flew away to take a job on the East Coast and his mother did not see him for many years. Then she got an email from Amal indicating that he would be driving cross country to the state fair. Mom, Juan, and Dad went to the fair to surprise and meet him. They searched separately for him, and when Mom and Dad regrouped, Mom said "Have you seen Juan?". He replied, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".
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Old 11-22-2009, 05:57 PM   #2109
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For the Trekky on your Christmas list:

Mothers, lock up your daughters — Star Trek cologne is here

"Star Trek cologne. Called Red Shirt, it carries the tagline “Because tomorrow may never come.” I guess if you’re gonna die out in deep space, you might as well smell terrific".
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Old 11-22-2009, 09:15 PM   #2110
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Two friends staying out late at a bar were comparing notes.

The first one said, "Whenever I get home late, I always try to turn the engine off half a block from home, coasting quietly on to the driveway, open the front door gingerly, and stealthily slip into bed. Still, my wife always wakes up to chew me up".

The 2nd guy laughed out loud.

"You've done it all wrong. I always rev up the engine when I approach home, vroom, vroom, and squeal the tires as I turn on to the driveway, then brake hard to leave skid marks. I slam the front door shut, and jump onto bed. I slap my wife on the rump and say 'How 'bout it, babe?'. She always pretends she is asleep".
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Old 11-28-2009, 03:55 PM   #2111
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Christmast Urologist

Home display disqualified by home owner's association.
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File Type: bmp Christmas Urologist.bmp (802.2 KB, 106 views)
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Where is this?
Old 12-01-2009, 02:04 PM   #2112
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Where is this?

And is the sun low, or my mind?
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Christmas Joke
Old 12-03-2009, 03:45 PM   #2113
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Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Old 12-03-2009, 06:01 PM   #2114
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Taking full advantage of the troubles of the Woods family in Florida...

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Word that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a Rescue Club now has been proved to be untrue, as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the **** out of a Driver

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger"

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name: Cheetah

Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly" but put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.....


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger!
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Husband Store and Wife Store
Old 12-04-2009, 11:36 AM   #2115
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Husband Store and Wife Store

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward . The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Churches in Las Vegas
Old 12-08-2009, 05:55 PM   #2116
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Churches in Las Vegas

Churches in Las Vegas

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE .....
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CHIP MONKS.



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Holiday Memos from Patty and Joan
Old 12-12-2009, 12:06 PM   #2117
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Holiday Memos from Patty and Joan

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 25, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty





Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 30, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 2, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: December 3, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!





Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 4, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:19 AM   #2118
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This is for all the spanish speakers out there - a letter a boy writes to santa the day after xmas, not getting what he wanted. Vulgar but funny ...

(I'm hoping there is no forum violations here)
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Old 12-13-2009, 01:09 PM   #2119
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MIXED EMOTIONS

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… “
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Old 12-13-2009, 01:28 PM   #2120
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Quote:
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This is for all the spanish speakers out there - a letter a boy writes to santa the day after xmas, not getting what he wanted. Vulgar but funny ...

(I'm hoping there is no forum violations here)
You´ve got to know a lot of Spanish to catch all the monologue and the rude words in it. It´s great!
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