Sounds as if what your niece needs is intensive family therapy. And possibly new parents.
I raised a great niece and nephew in my 20's and 30's, and they each have two kids. All four great niece and nephews went to the finest private schools because of the dismal condition of public schools in their large southern city.
Their private schools are $20-22K for each child per year. By the time all 4 graduate high school, my sister will have spent well over $1 million--before college. One 16 year old has requires 4 day per week private tutoring the last 10 years just to pass.
I had quite a few friends in college that went away for high school. One went to a prep school in Virginia because that's what sons of Mississippi Delta farmers do. Others went to military schools where they learned to smoke, drink, cuss and do drugs.
If you're going to do anything, put her into a local really good private school for one year. Then decide which direction her motivation is going. It sounds as if what she really needs is a good mentor to look after her--and to teach her some manners.
Right now, your niece is simply not prepared mentally or socially for the rigorous curriculum that any quality private school is going to throw at her. My first thought is I wonder if your niece has ever seen the inside of a church, but that's another issue?
Yes, I agree with about all you said.
It's funny you mentioned therapy. I have a friend I volunteer with who happens to be a child therapist (counselor). I told her about my niece a while back, and this situation. She mentioned possibly therapy as well and I brought it up to my sister who immediately said it is not needed.
At least her new school has therapy options (counselling) for both academics and personal issues, if she needs it (anything really serious they would not handle there - but I'm talking "typical" teenage things they would).
I wish we had put her in private school for 8th grade or earlier. My mom wanted to pay for her to attend private school earlier but my sister would not allow it and I think one reason was my sister's current husband thought it was elitist. Sister said to me that she did not think mom could afford it at the time, but that was not the case at all. Mom is not rich but she could have afforded it. And I would have helped. But mom and I did not press the issue as it's not our kid.
Niece's dad visits her maybe once a month and they all get along even though he rarely pays child support - he does not mind where she goes to school - he's indifferent with that for the most part.
Her husband still does not like the idea of her going to boarding school, but she made sure it was diverse and not "all white rich people" as she put it. It has a lot of international students, along with US boarding students, mixed in with local day students, which adds to the diversity. Some rich kids go there but not all rich like at other schools they visited.
He agreed to let her go to BS- partly because it would make life easier for him not having her there as often (for example, if he wants to watch a R rated movie he can, as he feels uncomfortable watching one if she's at home). He should not have a choice where she attends school, as it's not his child, and he has only known her a few years, IMHO. Ultimately it is my sister's decision over anyone else's, and she allows him to influence her child-rearing.
Part of the problem with niece's lack of responsibility is his poor influence, but that's another long story.
At least now she's getting to go. The public school is good for some kids - I'm not at all against public school - but it's not that good for my niece - due to many reasons I already mentioned.
Since she is entering 9th in the fall, we have all (family members who are helping) agreed it is best to try to keep her in the same school for the next 4 years of high school, in part so she will be with mostly the same kids through high school.
Of course we are hoping she does not get kicked out. Yes we will lose our money if she does - we are well aware - no refunds on what is a monthly payment plan that's started already.
My mom is thrilled it is a religious school, that requires chapel/church attendance regularly. She and her husband have taken her to their ultra-conservative Christian church 2-3x a month when she was younger, for many years, and my niece used to go along with it - but now makes fun of it being so strict. My sister is atheist but did take her to the local (very liberal) unitarian church a few times when she was younger, as they they had good friends there (one was her part time nanny). My niece knows (or at least used to know) how to act properly in church and does believe in God but is not religious. She will be required to take at least one Bible class at her new school. It is mainly Christian but has some (mostly international) students of other faiths (Muslim, Buddhist, etc) who attend.
It is not super strict as far as religious schools go, but way more strict than she is used to. Her school now does not allow prayer in school. The one she's going to requires it. Even though I'm not religious, I think the spiritual aspect will be good for her. My sister, despite being athiest, does not mind although the religious aspect was not important to her.
I am really hoping the peer pressure at her new school helps her behave, and become embarrassed if she passes gas in front of someone. It is funny on the surface, but not really.
When she made the comment about doing it in front of her new roommate, and said it might be ok once she's been there a month or two, I thought this is going to be a problem. And, I thought she'll have to learn to change because few roommates will want to put up with that.
She said she likes it quiet and all lights out when she goes to bed. So she's going to have to learn to deal with whoever she gets put with. If her roommate wants a night light - or likes music while she's getting ready for school - they will need to work that out and adjust. She also said she prefers not to have an international student! Well, the school policy is to put international students with a U.S. one for cultural growth. About 1/3 of the students boarding in her grade are international so she has a good chance of being put with one. I hope she gets one who speaks French - since she'll be taking that.
She is going to have to step up her level of responsibility, in so many ways. I honestly want to believe she can do it - but I'm not sure. Nor is my sister, and she's usually more positive thinking than I am. But we both have some doubts. My sister is saying she needs a B average to be worth it to stay there with the price we are all paying- but my sister is flexible and that's not set in stone.
I was helping her with French since she's taking it for the first time and I know it pretty well. I am not 100% fluent, but enough to help with beginner high school french. After several grammar lessons - all very basic - she still did not know how to spell "Bonjour". That will be about the first word they teach.
It's going to be hard for her I think, because they let you get away with so much in the school district she's used to - they really do give A's for effort. They'd mark her correct for trying to spell "bonjour" even if she missed a couple letters, in her public school where she is located.
The reason I don't want her in a private school near her house (and my sister did suggest that as an option) is she gets little supervision at home - so she's not likely to do all the homework assigned. My sister's gone half the time on work trips and her husband is not going to supervise niece's studying. If she's at boarding school they require study hall - supervised - and "micromanage" the kids so to speak - so she will be required to study.
That is my thought anyway, from all I read about the school.
I agree with you that she is not prepared now, but it is possible she can step up her game once she gets there- the choice is up to her. It will be a huge adjustment.
