It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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This mainly applies to those still working

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already
 
Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember.

Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
 
Lady sits next to a guy on a bench on the beach, he's reading a book, she tries to engage him in convo.

"Come here often?"
"Not too often since my wife died last year." back to book.
"Do you like pussycats?"
-man throws down his book and ravages the woman in the sand and she loves it.

When the dust clears she says -
"How did you know that's what I wanted?
"How did you know my name is Katz?
 
Sex And Good Grammar
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was there for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,” he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What’s the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 
old people have problems we haven't even thought of

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
Teen girl asks her mom, "Is it true that babies come out where boys put their penis?"
Mom replies, "Yes."
Daughter - "Well, won't that break my jaw?"
 
A guy decides to build a brick fence in front of his house but isn't sure how many pallets of bricks he'll need. So he calls his neighbor, who recently built a similar-size brick fence.

"Steve," he says: "I'm building a fence the same size as yours. How many pallets of bricks did you get?"

"10," Steve answers.

So the guy buys 10 pallets and proceeds to build a beautiful fence. When he finishes, he's surprised to find he only used four of the pallets.

"Hey, Steve," he says over the fence: "I just finished building my fence, and I've got six pallets of bricks left over."

"Yep," says Steve: "So did I."

It pays to ask the right question.
 
A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS

A mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!
 
A young man went to the pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the
counter if he could speak to the pharmacist. "That's me" she replied. "My
sister and I have been pharmacists for 45 years, and there's nothing we ain't
heard. So, what's the problem?"

The man explained sheepishly "I have a problem with my erections. Once I get
hard, it won't go soft for hours and hours, no matter how often I have
intercourse. It's really embarrissing. Please can you give me something for it."

The old lady said: " I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister. Wait
there."

Ten minutes later she returned. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister
and the best we can give you is 3,000 dollars a month and a third interest
in the pharmacy."
 
One day a man dies and winds up in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

"Why so glum?" Satan asks.

"Why do you think? I'm in Hell!" the man responds.

"Hell's not so bad," Satan says. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure, I love to drink," the man says.

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then," Satan assures him. "On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you don't have to worry about hangovers because you're dead anyway."

"Gee, that sounds great!" the man admits.

"You a smoker?" Satan inquires.

"You better believe it!" the man says enthusiastically.

"All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays," Satan replies. "We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

"Wow... that's awesome!" the man says.

"I bet you like to gamble," Satan says.

"Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do," the man admits.

"Good!" Satan says with gusto. "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, you're dead anyway. What about drugs?"

"Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean... " the man says.

"That's right!" Satan replies. "Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack... or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?"

"Wow, I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" the man says.

"You gay?" Satan asks.

"No," the man replies.

"Ooooh... You're gonna HATE Fridays."
 
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!
 
*a trip to costco

*Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was
in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm
retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the
way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina
Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is *nutritionally complete* so it works well and I
was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,
because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb
to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack
he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the
time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward
this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will
be their Laugh for the day!!!
 
Everything is relative. Picture allegedly taken in San Antonio not too long ago.
 

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Signs of the times

Signs of the times

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.....
 
calmloki said:
So that's for queries - but what about Gmail? Google's got you covered!
Click to expand...
When did they implement this feature-- April 1st?!?

I know a non-profit whose founder is "old school" admin bureaucracy, including the concept of "file copies". The headquarters employees are required to spend time each day printing out e-mail and filing it in binders for... well, I'm not sure that anyone has done anything with it other than put it in binders. So maybe it's not technically "for" anything.

They call it "notebooking".

When they explained to spouse how to implement their policy, she was laughing for most of the day.

I joke about them printing out their website and filing it in a binder, but I'm afraid that I'd find out it wasn't a joke. Who knows how they handle the Facebook & Twitter issues...
 
And that's how the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,"What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's d*mn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started...
 
For us old pharts…..:)

The Green Thing.......


In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

She was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
 
My next door neighbour, a rather large woman, has just had a pair of her knickers stolen from her clothes line.

She is not bothered about the knickers but would appreciate the return of the twelve pegs please.


:dance:
 
DSK turns up for work one day at the IMF. His colleagues notice something sticking out from under his collar. On closer inspection, it's clearly the frilly edge of an item of women's underwear. Maybe it got mixed up with his shirt during a hurried shedding of clothes ?

They bring it discreetly to his attention.

"Oh, that?", says DSK. "I'm trying to give it up, so the doctor prescribed me a patch."
 
Lipstick in Catholic School....
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skintone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that al lthese lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then,there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!!
 
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
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