Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 03-08-2010, 05:04 PM   #2221
Moderator Emeritus
Martha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: minnesota
Posts: 13,211
Difference between lie and lay:
"Lay" is what I intend to do to that person I brought home from the bar; "lie" is how I got them home in the first place.
__________________

__________________
.


No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

Martha is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 03-08-2010, 05:07 PM   #2222
gone traveling
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,864
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha View Post
Difference between lie and lay:
"Lay" is what I intend to do to that person I brought home from the bar; "lie" is how I got them home in the first place.
in Hawaii, you could include the lie of a lei in lieu of a lay.
__________________

__________________
Westernskies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2010, 05:25 PM   #2223
Recycles dryer sheets
Elderdude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, Calif
Posts: 210
My 92 year old mom told me this one today:
A lonely, elderly widow decided she needed a companion. She drove herself to a pet store. Wandering around the store, examining the various dogs, cats, birds, and turtles available, nothing really caught her fancy until a frog whispered, "I'm so lonely, take me home and I promise I can make you happy."
Intrigued, she buys the frog, returns to her car and places the frog on the passenger seat.. On the long drive back towards her home, the frog says, "I'm so lonely, please give me a kiss, right now. I promise to make you happy."
So the widow slows down the car, and leans over and kisses the frog. The frog immediately changed into a handsome, princely young stud sitting next to her.
In return, the charming chunk plants a big kiss on the widow.
And do you know what she turned into?
That's right; she turned into a Holiday Inn. She was lonely, not stupid.
__________________
Elderdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2010, 05:28 PM   #2224
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,976
Quote:
Originally Posted by Westernskies View Post
in Hawaii, you could include the lie of a lei in lieu of a lay.
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2010, 06:20 PM   #2225
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
Nobody has to lie to get lei'd in Hawaii... and "Lei Day" is even dedicated to the activity!
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2010, 06:59 PM   #2226
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
freebird5825's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: East Nowhere, 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 9,019
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
oh, oh, you are so busted!!

Been nice knowing you Al
Al is just trying to fire back for some other female members' remarks about his butt and sex toys.
Yawn...
__________________
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney
freebird5825 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2010, 07:06 PM   #2227
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Onward's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,571
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
__________________
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know.
Onward is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2010, 02:08 PM   #2228
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,063
I take Ginko Viagra.......so I can remember what the f*** I'm doing.
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2010, 02:43 PM   #2229
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
IndependentlyPoor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Austin
Posts: 1,142
Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
I take Ginko Viagra.......so I can remember what the f*** I'm doing.
__________________
IndependentlyPoor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2010, 07:12 PM   #2230
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,063
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F*** OFF!", the dog ate him!"
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2010, 10:14 PM   #2231
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 14,371
Okay, this is for a specialized group but:

Ten Signs That You Work In Computer Forensics

1. You can’t search Google or visit a web site without worrying about how it’d look to someone analyzing your machine.


2. You get drunk and Google “normal-looking women with their clothes on” when your wife’s gone to bed.


3. Someone is explaining a scenario to you that’s reaching its end with “and then he asked ‘do you want me to turn on my webcam, so you can see my face?’, and I said ‘OK’, and…” and you spend the next five minutes laughing hysterically then apologizing profusely.


4. None of your friends will lend you their camera memory card.


5. You’ve got the most powerful workstation out of all your geek friends, but you’re the only one who doesn’t game online with it.


6. People you meet at parties are interested when they hear your job title, then move away when you tell them how you actually spend your days.


7. You wake a sleeping computer by pressing the ’shift’ key.


8. You marvel at the tinyness of a 32GB micro SD card, but are secretly thinking that you really need to start considering doing cavity searches on warrants.


9. The salesman is showing you a high-tech washing machine, and you’re wondering how you’d get and analyze the data off it.


10. You know at least one friend of a friend of a friend who always corners you to ask about the best wiping software.
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2010, 09:08 AM   #2232
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 8,661
I didn't get some of these jokes. Walt, you could start an pretty interesting thread by explaining some of these stranger ones.
__________________
Yes, I have achieved work / life balance.
travelover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-13-2010, 11:26 PM   #2233
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by travelover View Post
I didn't get some of these jokes. Walt, you could start an pretty interesting thread by explaining some of these stranger ones.
Not on a publicly-accessible server!

Just kidding, Walt. No, really. Am I going to have to change my router password now?
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-14-2010, 09:54 AM   #2234
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 14,371
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
Not on a publicly-accessible server!

Just kidding, Walt. No, really. Am I going to have to change my router password now?
No. I'm retired.
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-14-2010, 12:58 PM   #2235
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
You've Been Out of College Too Long When..

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.

~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 05:11 PM   #2236
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Wanted: Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown San Antonio and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.


Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT. That's
about 1500 miles from here"

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."



__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 06:54 PM   #2237
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
calmloki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 5,113
My gal sent me this. hmmm. Whadda i do?









A Lovely Story About Me:
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who
did not whine, nag or bitch.

(That would be me...)


But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.
The End



__________________
calmloki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-15-2010, 07:04 PM   #2238
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,976
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
Nobody has to lie to get lei'd in Hawaii... and "Lei Day" is even dedicated to the activity!
'Nuff said....I'm on my way!

Oh...you said lei.... I guess I just got waylaid.
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2010, 01:06 PM   #2239
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,520
“As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
__________________
MichaelB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2010, 01:54 PM   #2240
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Fireup2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,186
Received this e-mail today – I got a chuckle out of it since this is how the non-planners feel!


BULLETIN, BULLETIN, BULLETIN


Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided itself on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.







__________________

__________________
Make no mistake, my friend, it takes more than money to make men rich. - A. P. Gouthey
Fireup2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:48 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.