It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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Nemo2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
eytonxav
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
* The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
* If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal
* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
* Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
* There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
* If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O'Rourke
* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal
* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
* Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
* There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
bruce1
Full time employment: Posting here.
mh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Someone entirely too responsible for their own entertainment
Saw this elsewhere on the web. It may be deemed mildly offensive to some
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed ‘OHNO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
Saw this elsewhere on the web. It may be deemed mildly offensive to some
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed ‘OHNO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
Koolau
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Speaking of entertaining yourself:
I was playing channel roulette the other night and happened upon an early part of the movie GHOST. In the scene, two guys were on a crowded elevator. One coughed loudly and relayed how his doctor had advised him to avoid contact with anyone since he was quite contagious. He also mentioned the terrible rash he was developing and the scene went on from their. Naturally, when the two got off the elevator, it was all yuks, but the folks on the elevator had not found it at all amusing.
True story I may have relayed before: A high school friend eventually worked for a contractor after I had joined Megacorp. One day, my old friend's company was putting the finishing touches on a new building which would soon be my new "home" 8 (or 10 or 12) hours a day. There were expensive, large, shiny stainless steel letters to be placed on the entry to the building, indicating its name/function. A very carefully produced paper template had been temporarily attached to the front of the building and my old friend was busily preparing to attach the lettering into the brick. Unfortunately, the template was fairly obviously NOT level. Each person who went past hesitated and crooked their neck attempting to see if the template was, indeed, that far off. You could see the desire to say something or the second guessing (maybe it's the building, or the doors, or...). But, no one said anything since it was not their place to do so, I suppose.
I was walking with my boss into the building. He was oblivious to the "issue" at hand, but I caught my old friend's eye - and he winked. It was all I could do to keep from cracking up.
I was playing channel roulette the other night and happened upon an early part of the movie GHOST. In the scene, two guys were on a crowded elevator. One coughed loudly and relayed how his doctor had advised him to avoid contact with anyone since he was quite contagious. He also mentioned the terrible rash he was developing and the scene went on from their. Naturally, when the two got off the elevator, it was all yuks, but the folks on the elevator had not found it at all amusing.
True story I may have relayed before: A high school friend eventually worked for a contractor after I had joined Megacorp. One day, my old friend's company was putting the finishing touches on a new building which would soon be my new "home" 8 (or 10 or 12) hours a day. There were expensive, large, shiny stainless steel letters to be placed on the entry to the building, indicating its name/function. A very carefully produced paper template had been temporarily attached to the front of the building and my old friend was busily preparing to attach the lettering into the brick. Unfortunately, the template was fairly obviously NOT level. Each person who went past hesitated and crooked their neck attempting to see if the template was, indeed, that far off. You could see the desire to say something or the second guessing (maybe it's the building, or the doors, or...). But, no one said anything since it was not their place to do so, I suppose.
I was walking with my boss into the building. He was oblivious to the "issue" at hand, but I caught my old friend's eye - and he winked. It was all I could do to keep from cracking up.
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Midpack
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Senior Texting Codes
Apologies if this has already been posted here, I don't remember it...
Texting for Seniors - Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
Apologies if this has already been posted here, I don't remember it...
Texting for Seniors - Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
| ATD | At The Doctor's |
| BFF | Best Friend Fainted |
| BTW | Bring The Wheelchair |
| BYOT | Bring Your Own Teeth |
| CBM | Covered By Medicare |
| CGU | Can't get up |
| CUATSC | See You At The Senior Center |
| DWI | Driving While Incontinent |
| FWB | Friend With Beta Blockers |
| FWIW | Forgot Where I Was |
| FYI | Found Your Insulin |
| GGPBL | Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! |
| GHA | Got Heartburn Again |
| HGBM | Had Good Bowel Movement |
| IMHO | Is My Hearing-Aid On? |
| LMDO | Laughing My Dentures Out |
| LOL | Living On Lipitor |
Beating a Dead Horse, Revisited
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government, in
corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired." (I like this one.)
7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead
horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore, contributes substantially
more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my favorite...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government, in
corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired." (I like this one.)
7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead
horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore, contributes substantially
more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course my favorite...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Midpack
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The Classmate
The Classmate
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID.. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
The Classmate
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID.. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Last edited:
Nuiloa
Recycles dryer sheets
- Joined
- May 12, 2011
- Messages
- 496
Observations on Growing Older
Your kids are becoming you, & you don't like 'em.
But your grandchildren are perfect!
Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
When people say you look "Great", they add . "for your age!"
When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...
Movies, hotels, flights . But you're too tired to use them.
You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
The 5 lbs you wanted to lose is now 15, & you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 lbs.
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... Especially golf.
Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair w/the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married."
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
You miss the days when everything worked w/just an "ON" & "OFF" switch.
When GOOGLE, ipod, email & modem were unheard of. And a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You tend to use more 4 letter words like "what?" & "when?".
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out w/the guys,
But he's home by 9:00PM. Next week it will be 8:30PM.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . 2 of which you will never wear.
You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . 2 of which you will never wear.
But old is good in some things:
Old songs, old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!!
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
How True
Well this is not a joke, but it is pretty true if you can recall as far back as the 50s. Comments made in the year 1957:
Well this is not a joke, but it is pretty true if you can recall as far back as the 50s. Comments made in the year 1957:
mickeyd
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
True or not, still funny:
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2011
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone:'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2011
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone:'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,506
Cool, so how many submariners does it take to launch a torpedo? An' don't say it is classified
ls99
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 2, 2008
- Messages
- 6,506
travelover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2007
- Messages
- 14,328
I guess I'm becoming an old grouch, but I've never found the "jokes" about how cheap everything once was to be funny.
It is just inflation and simple math.
Just one.Cool, so how many submariners does it take to launch a torpedo? An' don't say it is classified
Shortly followed by the report: "Ooops..."
Grammar:
The difference between knowing your sh!t, and knowing you're sh!t
The difference between knowing your sh!t, and knowing you're sh!t
TromboneAl
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2006
- Messages
- 12,880
I guess I'm becoming an old grouch, but I've never found the "jokes" about how cheap everything once was to be funny.
It is just inflation and simple math.
Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one. When someone says that a loaf of bread was only 15 cents in the old days, so many people oh and ah. I want to say "But it was a totally different currency. 1950 dollars are not the same as 2012 dollars."
travelover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2007
- Messages
- 14,328
Right, not too many "jokes" about earning $1.25 an hour.
I think the problem is that people have anchored their values in those decades-old numbers and neglected to update them for inflation.
My FIL just will not spend money, and three-quarters of his logic is that everything today has far less value because "it costs so much".
"I don't see what there is to this. Why, I remember when I was a kid that you could get _______ for less than 50 cents, and you got a free _______ too!"
He once made a similar statement about today's Tooth Fairy encouraging juvenile affluenza (well, a lot more words to express that sentiment), and he did not appreciate my inflation-adjusted response...
growing_older
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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- Jun 30, 2007
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My parents are anchored like this. My mom is often rushing to get off long distance calls to spare the expense. She needs to be reminded that costs are so much lower now - in many cases free because they are included in a monthly plan.
Obligatory Joke in deference to the thread title:
An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."
Obligatory Joke in deference to the thread title:
An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."
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