Its funny joke Thursday!

[Gonzo]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.* It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!"* She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.* Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed.* "Oh ****, it's started."

[Outtahere]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them
their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to
see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes,
up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So ... do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other

[Outtahere]

Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.

PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.

RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER, usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used to make semicircular gouges in wood.

DETAIL SANDER: Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners.

BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).

CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.

CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw heads at high speed.

ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a single depth setting.

TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.

NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish nail. Principally used for decoration.

CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

SABER SAW: See Hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

XYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS .

TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.

MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.

THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.

JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but non-parallel.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

HAMMER (alt.): Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues
to be the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions
in wooden surfaces of all kinds.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

UTILITY KNIFE (alt.): Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of sanitation, the blades are easily replaceable.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[JPatrick]

Originally Posted by REWahoo!

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the tests, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America".

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar did not get in to the US, but don't feel sorry for him.* He has a very good job working at a Dell help desk.

Cut-Throat talked to him yesterday.

Job??* With skills like that he should be a supa wiser

[haha]

Originally Posted by Outtahere

Tools

Great jokes Outtahere! Are you a machinist or something? Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.

Ha

[Outtahere]

Originally Posted by HaHa

Great jokes Outtahere! Are you a machinist or something? Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.

Ha

No but a good friend is and he sent me that this morning.

[Nords]

Originally Posted by HaHa

Great jokes Outtahere! Easy-outs aren't something everyone knows about.

Yeah, I was laughing through my tears. I wish I didn't know about Easy-outs either.

And never again do I want to be the supervisor in charge of confiscating unauthorized vicegrips while simultaneously disapproving all tool purchase orders submitted without a broken tool as documentation.

And now for the next joke: "Here, watch what I can do to this condenser tubing with our new hydrojet pressure washer!!"

[riskadverse]

Easy outs are something you never forget if you break one.

[haha]

A young woman went to see a doctor for her complete physical. She took of her shirt and bra, and there was a big red H on her chest. The Doc asked what caused it. She replied, "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard, and he is so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love."

The next day the Doc is seeing another young woman, only she has a big blue Y on her chest. The Doc asked, "What caused this blue Y on your chest?" She said, "Well my boyfriend goes to Yale, and he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we go to bed."

Sure enough, the next day another young woman is undressed in his examining room, and she has a big M on her chest. By this time the Doc has learned something, so he asks, “Does your boyfriend go to Michigan?" No, she replies, but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

[Nords]

Originally Posted by HaHa

Sure, enough the next day another young woman is undressed in his examining room, and she has a big M on her chest.

What about Ohio State?

[Outtahere]

I know this is a day late

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139, we do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

A couple is trying to cut costs so that they can retire early:

Wife: You've got to stop drinking, we're spending $100 a month on booze.

Husband: Well what about the $100/month you spend on cosmetics and shampoo?

Wife: I use that so that I'll look good to you.

Husband: That's what I use the booze for!

[Nords]

.

[JPatrick]

You may not know this but many non living things have a gender.* *

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Hmm,* You thought it'd be male , didn't* you?
But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!* *

[Martha]

Norwegian men take their wives everywhere. So they don't have to kiss them goodby.

Sven and Ole were at the beach. Sven says to Ole, "what can I do to make the girls like me?" Ole suggests that he put a potato in his trunks. Sven gives it a try, but come back and complains to Ole that it didn't work. Ole says to Sven, "you supposed to put it in the front."

Listening to Garrison Keiler as we drive down the road.

[HFWR]

Kinda like the Halloween costume: paint yourself red, put a potato in your pants, and go as a "communist dictator"...

[Honkie]

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking
* a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches
* his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make -
* available now"

* Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes* into the shop. "I am the world's leading
* expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen
* to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

* "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into
* the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

* Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts
* on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the
* world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I
* recognised none of those."

* "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.
* "If you'd care to step into the booth, I
* can let you have another 10 minutes."

* Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make,
* steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes
* out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds
* leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still
* can't recognise any of those!"

* "I really am terribly sorry", says the
* young assistant...
















* "I've just realised I was playing you


















* the bee side!"