It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[packrat44]

SELF
EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15
seconds....
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take
this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and
fill-in the
blanks?





1._ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4.
PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


| |
| | | | | | | |
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all
6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have
Alzheimer's

You are a
Pervert

 

[frayne]

 

[eytonxav]

Can't understand why my workout took so long this morning

 

[packrat44]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...

 

[Koolau]

SELF
EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15
seconds....
If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take
this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and
fill-in the
blanks?





1._ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4.
PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


| |
| | | | | | | |
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all
6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have
Alzheimer's

You are a
Pervert

What do you mean I'M a pervert? You're the one writing all the dirty words!.

 

[BigNick]

(Apologies if the politics here offends anyone. I'm not sure where the boundaries are in this thread.)

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls up President Barack Obama:

"Mr. Obama, I had a wonderful dream last night. I was able to see the whole of the United States of America and there was a flag flying on the roof of every house."

"Well, that's nice, Mr. Ahmadinejad," says Obama. "What was on the flags?"

"Allah is God, God is Allah," says Ahmadinejad.

"Hey, I'm really glad you called," says Obama. "I had a similar dream recently in which I saw the whole of the Iranian Republic with lush, fertile fields, a happy, satisfied population living in peace and prosperity, and large banners waving everywhere."

"And what was on these banners?" asks Ahmadinejad.

"I don't know," says Obama. "I can't read Hebrew."

 

[redduck]

Old men are nicer:

An old guy was in Costco, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn' t paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.






​

 

[MichaelB]

S*** happens: The economics version

Stand-up economist Yoram Bauman filmed at the 2012 American Economic Association humor session in Chicago, Jan 7, 2012.

S*** happens: The economics version - YouTube

In the unlikely event that anyone reading this thread is offended by vulgarities, this link is to a youtube video of a short comedy routine that focuses on the application of one vulgarity to economic theory.

 

[Huston55]

Stand-up economist Yoram Bauman filmed at the 2012 American Economic Association humor session in Chicago, Jan 7, 2012.

S*** happens: The economics version - YouTube

In the unlikely event that anyone reading this thread is offended by vulgarities, this link is to a youtube video of a short comedy routine that focuses on the application of one vulgarity to economic theory.

Now that S**T is funny!

 

[mickeyd]

Quotes from "Famous" Mothers - Part 1

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"

 

[Sweetlip]

Advice for hikers

The Ohio State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while hiking.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

[Nords]

One of my blogger friends started a pinning website for guys called MANteresting. (It's totally safe for work.) It's racked up huge numbers in two months and they're already talking with investors. Regardless of the stats, the site is a gargantuan waste of time. I've been on it for an hour or two every day of the last couple months and I still can't figure out where the time goes...

You've been warned.

Here's an examination of how historic events would be reported on Facebook:
Manteresting.com : Nail

 

[Bestwifeever]

One of my blogger friends started a pinning website for guys called MANteresting. (It's totally safe for work.) It's racked up huge numbers in two months and they're already talking with investors. Regardless of the stats, the site is a gargantuan waste of time. I've been on it for an hour or two every day of the last couple months and I still can't figure out where the time goes...

You've been warned.

Here's an examination of how historic events would be reported on Facebook:
Manteresting.com : Nail

What a funny, funny page. I sent the site on to DH and DS so they can laugh like maniacs too.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Nords, I shared it with my boss, too. I told him there were all sorts of things on there, but he's only noticed one kind of posting so far, lol. So I guess your "totally safe for work" assessment is correct, kind of. I described it as pinterest for men.

 

[brewer12345]

North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.

 

[Nords]

Nords, I shared it with my boss, too. I told him there were all sorts of things on there, but he's only noticed one kind of posting so far, lol.

I guess there's only so many ways to photograph bacon...

 

[MBAustin]

What a funny, funny page. I sent the site on to DH and DS so they can laugh like maniacs too.

Me, too

 

[jIMOh]

North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.

In related news, Barack and Michelle are planning to renew their vows in North Carolina later this summer.

 

[TromboneAl]

 

[frayne]

There was a recent double-murder case, in which a guy strangled two people in a hired hit.

Seems a man wanted his wife dead for her life insurance money, so he hired a guy named Artie McCombs to kill her. Since the payment to the killer was to come from the insurance payout, the hubby symbolically gave McCombs the only dollar in his wallet on the day they made their bloody deal.

Of course, the man didn't want his wife killed in their house or anywhere else that might link him to the killing, so McCombs decided to stalk her and wait for an opportunity in a public (but hidden) place. That place turned out to be the local Safeway grocery early one Tuesday morning, when the fewest staff were on duty. McCombs slipped through the quiet loading docks, waited behind the big swinging doors next to the dairy cases, and grabbed the unsuspecting victim as she walked by. He dragged her back to the docks and strangled her beside the walk-in freezer. But before he could get the body through the freezer door and hide his wretched act, McCombs was surprised by a Safeway employee who had come back to the dry goods section. McCombs grabbed the stammering young man and strangled him, too, but not before the kid croaked out a cry for help which drew the attentions of the butchers, who subdued McCombs until the police arrived.

The next day's headline read:


*


*


*


*


*

Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway

 

[mickeyd]

 

[shaycool]

Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy.

Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.''

Shows up at barn raisings in full Kiss make-up.

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Got tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns."

Trying to organize a wet bonnet contest.

 

[brewer12345]

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.​

 

[kevink]

A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg « Borowitz Report

Timely letter from Mark Zukerberg

 

[TromboneAl]

A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg « Borowitz Report

Timely letter from Mark Zukerberg

Thanks, that's really well done. I'm guessing he had some comedy writers help with that.