It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[VaCollector]

Jury Duty Bloopers

I know that these have been around for a while but I STILL chuckle every time I read them....


IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....


THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!




Enjoy a good laugh!





These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had

the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking

place..










ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


______________________________




ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?



_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height,
and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town,
I'm going with male.



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put
up too much of a fight.



_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be
oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at
the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I
finished.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?



______________________________________

And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law.





And that my friends is a good example why, most

politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so

screwed up.

 

[VaCollector]

Southern Confidence

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Archie. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama, I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea
and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.

 

[Purron]

.

 

[kevink]

A gold mine of very funny "necessary correctives" to those horrible HR-sponsored motivational posters:

Demotivators® - View All Demotivational Posters

 

[mickeyd]

Today's 6 Question Test


1. A lady read a book, turned the light out and went to sleep. In the morning, when she saw in the newspaper that a ship had sunk drowning all on board, she committed suicide. Why?


2. A young man entered a bar and asked for a glass of water. The person behind the bar produced a gun and pointed it at the man. He replied, "Thank you," and walked off. Why?



3. Imagine you are driving a Mercedes at 100 mph. The steering locks. The doors lock. The brakes fail. You can't get out! You're heading for a 1,000 foot cliff! What do you do?



4. 2 + 2 + 5 = 247. Add one small line to make the sum correct.


5. Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies have it at the beginning, but only once. Abraham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and behind. He actually had it twice as bad behind as he had it in front. What is it?

6. A man on horseback went on a two day trip. He left on Tuesday and arrived home on Tuesday. How could this be?


Answers:


1. She was a lighthouse keeper.

2. He had the hiccups.

3. You stop "imagining."

4. Put a line on the first "+," from the top left, making it into a "4."

2 4 2 + 5 = 247

5. It is the letter "L."

6. The name of the horse was "Tuesday."

 

[mickeyd]

Politicians or Union Bosses?

I believe that the dude with the cigar is the union boss.

 

[mickeyd]

Scott/Dilbert always seems to be thinking like a ERer. I can't make it thru the day w/o reading the D-man.

 

[mickeyd]

 

[REWahoo]

.

 

[eytonxav]

.

Lets see, now who are the bike riders on here.....

 

[Nords]

Lets see, now who are the bike riders on here.....

I think you might be researching the wrong part of the picture there...

 

[eytonxav]

I think you might be researching the wrong part of the picture there...

Alright girls, which one of you is that

 

[Nords]

I've been troubleshooting the tenant's spare microwave oven for the last couple weeks, and it was one of those "null hypothesis" situations. I could figure out what wasn't broken, but I couldn't directly identify the problem. The troubleshooting guide pointed to the primary control board and some live-gear checks seemed to agree with that. No clear symptoms like a burned thermostat or a fried component.

So I ordered a new PCB from Sears-- 18 months ago it was over $100 but this time it was only $35. (Just about out of production?) Of course shipping was another $30, but after a week of anticipation it got here.

Well, the PCB does not appear to be the problem. So in case the PCB was just one problem (doubtful) I'll check a couple fuses and look for any other changes in the symptoms. But otherwise I think I've just built a spare-parts locker for the tenant's other (in-use) microwave.

The reason we have two microwaves of the same model is because we bought the first as part of a set with its matching range/oven. When the first one broke after 18 months it was easier to just buy a second one of that model (so the tenant wasn't waiting on me) and then fix the spare at my leisure. (That turned out to be a good idea.) But I'm getting tired of this ragged gear. If the tenant's in-use microwave breaks then I think spouse and I will spring for whatever ranks highest on Consumer Reports. Then I'll fix the broken one and sell the whole collection (working microwave & parts) on Craigslist.

Alright girls, which one of you is that

I know, it's tough to figure it out without a front view.

 

[Bestwifeever]

This has to be THE feel-good story of the year. If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one.

An incredible story of luck and inspiration:

This guy wins $181 million in the lottery and then finds the
love of his life just 2 days later.

Can you believe it? Talk about LUCK!!! Now I know why men play the Lottery

 

[frayne]

A Higgs Boson Walks into a Catholic church...

Priest: Hi, welcome to our church.
Higgs Boson: Thank you.
Priest: Excuse me, but what are you?
Higgs Boson: I am a Higgs Boson, Father.
Priest: I'm sorry but we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here.
Higgs Boson: Then how the hell do you have mass?

 

[eytonxav]

Since I am not yet retired and the commuting has really been getting to me lately:

 

[Walt34]

Ed was in Orlando, Fl ....and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Baltimore".

So he broke the window, stole the radio, took a laptop, the GPS and tires, then left a note that read,


"I hope this helps!!!"[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[REWahoo]

Pilot ("Aviator" for you Navy types) Philosophy


A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 ................. on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . .. this is where the food is."

 

[Nemo2]

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

Whoa, whoa...hold up there...that's Air Canada's motto!

 

[Nords]

Pilot ("Aviator" for you Navy types) Philosophy

And the first commandment: "Contrition is easier than permission"...
.
.

 

[packrat44]

Nords,

This thread is for jokes, not realty. Wait, maybe realty is a joke.

 

[Nords]

This thread is for jokes, not realty. Wait, maybe realty is a joke.

Yesterday I found myself trying to explain the concept of serving during the Cold War on a nuclear submarine that could launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

By the end of the conversation the whole concept seemed pretty unreal to me too.

 

[packrat44]

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought sometiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

[Alan]

After the failure of G4S to provide enough security for the London Olympics.... British Government call in some special outside help....

 

[mickeyd]