It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Love Steven Wright, I've had his stuff bookmarked for years - here are some more:

- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

- Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

- You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

- I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

- Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

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Father and Son bonding?

Is this what they mean by a father/son bonding experience?
 

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Ten Painful Puns:
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as: The lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but, when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. This proves, once again, that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain and is named “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thus proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …..what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There was the person who sent ten puns to ten friends, with the hope that at least one would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
Nodak said:
Ten Painful Puns:
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thus proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …..what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Click to expand...
Boy, putting these puns in one place makes me realize how much they depend on cultural references that are at least a generation old.

At least Mel Torme should live on for a few more Christmas seasons...
 
I also saw red X's.

But, how 'bout this fix?

GoAway.jpg
 
I see the graphic file symbol on all of them.
 
Getting back to this thread, now I see everyone's. Very strange.

By the way, my browser is Google Chrome on a "Windoz" machine.
 
Bad Analogies​

From the Washington Post, July 23, 1995​

People were asked to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.​

4th Runner-Up: ​

Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)​

3rd Runner-Up: ​

The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)​

2nd Runner-Up: ​

I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)​

1st Runner-Up: ​

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)​

And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign: ​

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)​

Honorable Mentions: ​

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)​

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)​

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)​

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)​

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)​

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)​

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)​

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)​

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)​

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)​

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid>55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T: lw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)​

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.​

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)​

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)​

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)​
 
 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
 
Tryin' to sell his peaches....

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches..
 
The game of dating...

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
 
--A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.
 
Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
They begin talking - and different tenets of their faiths become the topic.

The Priest asks, "Have you ever tried pork?"

Rabbi, "Yes, I one time tried it to see what I was missing. Have you ever had enjoyed the physical pleasures of a woman?"

Priest, sheepishly, "Yes, I one time slipped within my vows and sinned in the flesh with a woman."

Rabbi, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
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