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Old 12-31-2010, 04:20 PM   #2541
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x marks the spot - maybe an ad for Proactive?
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Old 12-31-2010, 04:39 PM   #2542
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Pretty good proof that financial types don't have much of a sense of humor.

I did like this one, though.

The economy’s so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

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Old 12-31-2010, 04:48 PM   #2543
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Pretty good proof that financial types don't have much of a sense of humor.

I did like this one, though.

The economy’s so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
Brilliant!!!
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:35 PM   #2544
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I don't get it.
Try clicking on it.
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:55 PM   #2545
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Try clicking on it.
It displays fine, but I'm not getting the financial punchline... nor the goofy representation of the guy's arms... and is that supposed to be a caricature of someone's face? And doesn't the word "unthaw" mean "to freeze something"?

But maybe it's not related to the financial humor post before it.

However it's nice to see an original joke on this thread. After 2500 posts we seem to be recycling the same ol' punchlines.
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Old 12-31-2010, 07:58 PM   #2546
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T-Al's setup might be like mine (Firefox, etc). With Firefox, mickeyd's post is blank, no box nor an "X", but they are there in Windows Explorer.
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Old 12-31-2010, 08:07 PM   #2547
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It displays fine, but I'm not getting the financial punchline... nor the goofy representation of the guy's arms... and is that supposed to be a caricature of someone's face? And doesn't the word "unthaw" mean "to freeze something"?

But maybe it's not related to the financial humor post before it.

However it's nice to see an original joke on this thread. After 2500 posts we seem to be recycling the same ol' punchlines.
I wonder if it is a metaphor for the 2008 crash and subsequent market recovery? You start with boiling water, then freeze it. If you unfreeze it, you don't end up with boiling water, just water. Is it meant to illustrate the principle that a given percentage increase in the market does not completely compensate for the same prior decrease? Or am I just overanalyzing this?
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Old 12-31-2010, 08:45 PM   #2548
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Old 12-31-2010, 11:57 PM   #2549
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Sitting in a New York bar, a Scotsman says,

"As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,

"At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman,

"Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,

"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."



HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
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Old 01-02-2011, 01:11 PM   #2550
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Originally Posted by samclem View Post
T-Al's setup might be like mine (Firefox, etc). With Firefox, mickeyd's post is blank, no box nor an "X", but they are there in Windows Explorer.
Yes, exactly right. Only now on my ipod do I see anything.
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Old 01-03-2011, 10:53 AM   #2551
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HP ink jet? yeah. you can bite me. Photosmartass Premium more likely.


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Old 01-04-2011, 11:18 AM   #2552
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Die Hard
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:31 PM   #2553
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A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled
pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or
I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly
reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me
this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head
and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill his brains all
over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun
aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could
keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this
plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the
navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill his brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached
up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they
couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to
Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the
sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to
the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill her brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the
stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear.
He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a
panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some
crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the
stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, He'd be the one
who'd have to give you guys your *#@#jobs."
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:34 PM   #2554
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Fine-Print Warnings
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:22 AM   #2555
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TEXTING FOR SENIORS

Since more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). Please pass this on to your Children and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.


ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CGIU: Can't get IT up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHAO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROTFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
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Old 01-12-2011, 03:50 PM   #2556
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Old 01-14-2011, 09:28 PM   #2557
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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."


Hospital visiting hours are 10 a.m. to 8 p.m.



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Old 01-16-2011, 11:57 PM   #2558
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California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Montana :

The Governor of Montana is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.



And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Montana is running with millions in surplu$$$.
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Old 01-19-2011, 06:13 PM   #2559
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NURSING HOMES PASTIMES


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' .......She asks, 'What?' ---- 'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'
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Old 01-23-2011, 09:08 PM   #2560
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The Sneeze





A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.




As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."
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