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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 03:16 PM   #261
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 73ss454
Sorry, I'm a little slow!
Too much time breathing that carburetor cleaner will mess with your mind....

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 04:43 PM   #262
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I just thought it was a senior moment!

You may be right though.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-11-2005, 12:05 AM   #263
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty... "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first, it was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mama Bear who made the coffee, it was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mama Bear who set the table, it was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-11-2005, 11:25 AM   #264
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy notices a sign for a circus that says "See the amazing Bernstein!" He goes to the circus, and at the end, amid great fanfare, they bring Berstein out to the center ring. There, on a table are three walnuts.

The middle-aged Berstein pulls out his massive organ, and smashes the walnuts, bing, bang, boom. The crowd goes wild.

Fifty years later, the guy sees that the same circus is in town again with the same sign: "See the amazing Bernstein!"

He's amazed that Berstein is still around, and goes to see the show. At then end, they bring out the elderly Berstein, and this time, there are three coconuts on the table! The same thing takes place -- he whips out his organ and smashes the three coconuts, bing, bang, boom.

The guy is amazed, and after the show goes to Berstein's dressing room to congratulate him. He asks "One thing I don't understand. Fifty years ago you smashed walnuts, and now you are smashing coconuts. Why is that?"

"Vell," replied Berstein, "The eyesight isn't vhat it used to be!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-13-2005, 05:17 PM   #265
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ex-Jarhead walked into a jeweler's shop late one Saturday afternoon with a beautiful blonde young lady at his side and a bag containing six loaves of wheat bread.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," Jarhead told him.

At that, the jeweler got his special stock from his safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The blondes' eyes sparkled, and Jarhead said that he would take it.

The jeweler asked, "How are you paying?"

Jarhead told him, "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank first thing Monday morning and we will pick it up when you open. What time is that?'

"10:00 AM", replied the jeweler. "I'll see you then."

Monday morning a very disgusted jeweler phones Jarhead. "You lied, sir. There is no money in that account!"

Jarhead: "Yeah, I know. But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-13-2005, 06:44 PM   #266
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
Jarhead: "Yeah, I know.* But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"
My man, you are good!*

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-13-2005, 07:29 PM   #267
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!


Jarhead: "Yeah, I know.* But I had one Hell of a Saturday night!!"



Wheat Bread, "the nectar of the Gods".
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-14-2005, 04:41 PM   #268
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ex-Jarhead walks into the local SS office carrying six loaves of wheat bread. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. I hate being retired and drawing SS! I'd really rather have a job and work for a living".

The man behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. I happen to know about a job opening. A very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

Jarhead says, "You're BS'ing me".

The SS clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-15-2005, 08:32 AM   #269
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A lady walks up to a pharmacist and asked to buy a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy--I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law.
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds
of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at
the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-15-2005, 10:49 AM   #270
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down next to ex-Jarhead. She noticed he had a bag full of whole wheat bread and was staring at his watch. "Is your date late?", she asked.

"No" Jarhead replied. "I just bought a new, state of the art watch, and I'm testing it."

Curious, the woman asked, "State of the art, huh? What's so special about it?"

"Well", Jarhead said, "besides telling time, it speaks to me telepathically."

"Really?", she said, "what's it telling you now?"

"It's telling me you're not wearing any underwear."

"Well it's wrong, because I AM wearing underwear!"

Jarhead taps his watch and replies "Hmm....darn thing must be an hour fast."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-16-2005, 10:38 AM   #271
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It was ex-Jarhead's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a envelope containing $200.

At the second house they presented him with a gift certificate for six rounds of golf. The folks at the third house handed him an assortment of terrific fishing gear.

At the fourth house Jarhead was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She told him to put down his mailbag (which also held six loaves of wheat bread), then took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where they had the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.

When Jarhead had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," Jarhead said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He told me, 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Adding breakfast was my idea."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-16-2005, 11:05 AM   #272
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

That ex-jarhead sure has a lot of adventures*
I'm thinking about getting six loaves of bread to carry around.* 8)
Apparently it's the new Viagra!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-16-2005, 11:24 AM   #273
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
That ex-jarhead sure has a lot of adventures
I'm thinking about getting six loaves of bread to carry around. 8)
Apparently it's the new Viagra!
Yep. According to ex-Jarhead it sure is...

http://early-retirement.org/forums/i...80930#msg80930

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-16-2005, 11:40 PM   #274
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo--

Either you area really good comedian, or you have really big collection that you can adapt to Jarhead's persona.

I imagine he must be enjoying this quite a bit.* Keep 'em coming. It beats TinTin anyday.
Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 06:49 AM   #275
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ex-Jarhead walks into a restaurant carrying a bag containing six loaves of wheat bread with a half-grown ostrich following behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. Jarheard says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and Jarheaerd reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, Jarhead and the ostrich come again and he orders a hamburger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again Jarhead reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says Jarhead. "Same," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again Jarhead pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," Jarhead tells her, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right", says Jarhead. "Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there."

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

Jarhead sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 07:06 AM   #276
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Jarhead became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 07:48 AM   #277
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bush, (GW) has to take a lie detector test.
>
>Before the proceedings begin, the operator explains,
>
>"Here is how it works. We ask a question, you answer.
> If you are telling the truth, the Green Light goes
>on. If you're not telling the truth, the Red Light
>goes on. Got it?"
>
>"Got it" Bush replies.
>
>The Red Light goes on . . .
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 09:51 AM   #278
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

With my fervent apologies to its anonymous author, here's one version of:

"How to simulate submarine life in your cubicle!!"

Surround yourself with people you don't really care for.

If you have any openings to the outside world then tightly close & lock all doors, windows, curtains, & blinds.

Electronically seal off rest of the outside world. Pull the plug on radios, TVs, computers, phones, and anything else that would allow you to interact with the rest of society. Internal communications equipment (especially office headsets or phone receivers) may remain in service.

Paint everything the color of Navy "haze gray" or "beach sand". No substitutions authorized.

Wear only navy-blue coveralls or a proper Navy uniform. No hats, special t-shirts, lucky Spiderman underwear, or other unauthorized clothing.

Cut your own hair monthly using scissors. Use of a mirror, razor, or sharp scissors during this procedure is optional.

Shave at least twice a week. To simulate an extended deployment, use the same blade for two months. You may grow a beard/moustache if you pay $10 to the office recreation fund, but keep your neck shaved clean for a good airmask "face seal" (to be discussed later).

Secure the smoking lamp (whatever that is) throughout the building. If all smokers convert to chewing tobacco, then remove all chewing tobacco from the building. Offer consolation with cheerful slogans like "Quit smoking-- it's a life or death decision!"

Adjust your workday to an 18-hour cycle (six hours on, 12 hours off).

Don't flush toilets for the first two days. (This simulates the smell of first blowing pressurized sanitary tanks overboard and then venting them inboard.) Flush daily afterward, preferably between midnight & 6 AM (or whenever majority of coworkers are asleep).

Monitor all operating appliances with hourly log readings. If the appliance is not in use then log it as "secured". Save all completed log sheets indefinitely and inventory them monthly.

Once a day stand in your cubicle, place your telephone receiver or headset to your ear, and announce to the empty room "Phones are manned." For the next four hours you may walk around in (but not depart) your cubicle holding the receiver to your ear. Do not sit down. No bathroom breaks are authorized. Occasionally mumble "Station calling cubicle, say again?" or "Phone check sat" into the receiver.

Listen to the same CD or cassette tape over and over until you can't stand it any more, then play one you can't even listen to without the onset of acute nausea.

Set a Big Ben alarm clock to go off just as you fall asleep. Other alarms may be substituted as long as they're earsplitting, or buy a special alarm with various settings (e.g., "Fire in the kitchen!", "Flooding in the basement").

To simulate what real submarine cooks must be doing, blindfold yourself and prepare food. Try to persuade your coworkers to eat the results. Then eat a can of tuna or peanut butter (but not both).

Cut your sofa in half and enclose all but one side (use the dimensions of a small casket as your reference). Replace the seat cushions with a four-inch foam rubber pad (mattress cover optional). Rig a dark pleated curtain on the fourth side, ensuring it's short enough to allow a 1-2" light gap at the bottom edge. Cover the top of this "rack" with a half-inch-thick plate of stainless steel that makes a nice reverberating "Bong!" sound when you sit up and slam your forehead into it. Add one gray scratchy wool blanket ("U.S. Army" label is optional.) Make up the blankets properly when not actually in your rack, although no one will see or care. Over-pillow lighting is allowed as long as the light flickers, glares, and emits a fluorescent hum.

Secure all building ventilation and place a loud fan in the middle of the office. At random intervals shut it off, look around wild-eyed at various ventilation duct grilles, turn the fan back on, and relax.

Periodically, to maintain the excitement level, open the building's main power breaker and run around yelling "Reactor Scram!" until you're sweating profusely. Then reset the breaker.

With nothing better to do between reactor scrams, don a mask & snorkel and pretend you're trapped in a smoke-filled room. For added entertainment, rig a garden hose to the break room and pressurize it.

To prepare for any emergency, constantly study wiring diagrams and operating instructions for all appliances. Just in case it was going to break, at periodic intervals (daily, weekly, monthly) strip one appliance down into its individual components. The appliance must be completely reassembled before you can take a meal break.

Monthly, collect the dust from your car's brake pads and scatter it throughout the basement. Hang a sign on the staircase labeled "Secured for Maintenance" and rub the dust into all nooks & crannies. Leave the dust in place until Friday. This evolution may also be repeated in your cubicle with the dust & dirt found under the copier or behind the break room vending machines.

Every Friday morning, to ensure you're living in a clean & safe environment, set alarm clocks on "Loud" for a short (but hated) drill sound. Announce "Commence field day!" in a falsely cheerful voice. Arm yourself with a bucket, sponge, & scrub pad and scrub one area (except the basement) over & over-- even if it was already spotless. After four hours, inspect the area and record at least three deficiencies. Inspectors should take turns competing to record the most deficiencies.

Weekly, preferably on the midwatch, set all alarm clocks to "Loud", activate them for 20 seconds, and shout "Man battle stations." Secure all ventilation equipment. Turn lights down low and, despite the ear-splitting noises of a few minutes ago, speak in whispers. Cram all workers into a single cubicle armed with phone handsets, pencils, & sheets of paper. (No chairs are authorized.) Assign two people to the laptop and have them operate its keyboard simultaneously (cooperation is an unexpected bonus). Other personnel may operate PDAs or inactive cell phones. All personnel should hold phone handsets to their ears at all times and conduct all communication through them, despite being within whispering distance of each other for at least the next two hours. Onlookers should use this "communications" circuit to suggest more efficient keyboard operating procedures to the computer users. At least one watchstander should write down all information displayed on the computer screen on their pieces of paper in case the computer loses power. All remaining hands should scribble their keyboarding suggestions on both their PDAs and their pieces of paper and pass them around, ensuring that all users annotate their initials on each piece of paper. After at least two hours and when everyone is exhausted, sweaty, & angry then announce "Secure from battle stations. Commence field day!"

Daily, after normal prime-time programming hours, plug in the TV and watch one (1) movie. Ensure that it is (a) at least five years old, (b) seen at least twice before, and (c) so bad that you have to install a seatbelt in your chair to keep you from leaving (or nodding off & falling over) until all closing credits have rolled. For bonus points, memorize the dialogue and entertain your friends on watch with your re-enactment.

To enhance morale, create a teletype printout entitled "Sports score summary". Flawlessly spell all team names & towns but garble all scores. Repeat this evolution with 40-word messages from your family, including vocabulary like "judge", "accident", "mortgage", and "pregnant". Bonus: Cut off the message halfway through or deliver 20 copies of the same garbled original.

Stockpile Band-Aids, aspirin, Sudafed, and Dimetapp. These will be your only authorized underway medical supplies. Practice treatment on your boss or an office intern (no medicinal taste testing). Surgery & dentistry are optional bonus evolutions.

This simulation should be run for at least three months. Initially promise all occupants to complete the project after one month, and then on day 27 extend it for the remaining two months in one-week intervals announced randomly every five to seven days.

Then sit around afterward and wonder why you had trouble getting your work done.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 12:22 PM   #279
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Thanks to everyone for making me laugh in here!* I ran across this one in my archives, so it's an oldie.* Forgive me if you've heard it before.* It still makes me laugh.

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we
start swearing."* The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'a$$',ok?" "Ok." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.* The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!!* He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.* She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"* "I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

Happy Thursday!* *

CJ
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 04:23 PM   #280
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

As promised for Brewer last week -

At the World Beer Festival four of the industry heavyweights are relaxing after a long day. A waiter approaches and asks if they would like a drink.* Mr Coors looks up and says he'll take a Coors. Mr Busch says that he will take a Bud. The guy from Miller asks for an MGD. Arthur Guinness looks at his companions and says "Oh well, since no-one is drinking beer, I'll have a Gin and Tonic!"
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