Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-23-2012, 08:28 AM   #2981
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Posts: 1,169
(Apologies if the politics here offends anyone. I'm not sure where the boundaries are in this thread.)

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls up President Barack Obama:

"Mr. Obama, I had a wonderful dream last night. I was able to see the whole of the United States of America and there was a flag flying on the roof of every house."

"Well, that's nice, Mr. Ahmadinejad," says Obama. "What was on the flags?"

"Allah is God, God is Allah," says Ahmadinejad.

"Hey, I'm really glad you called," says Obama. "I had a similar dream recently in which I saw the whole of the Iranian Republic with lush, fertile fields, a happy, satisfied population living in peace and prosperity, and large banners waving everywhere."

"And what was on these banners?" asks Ahmadinejad.

"I don't know," says Obama. "I can't read Hebrew."
__________________

__________________
Age 55, retired July 1, 2012; DW is 59 and working for 4 more years. Current portfolio is 1950K split 50 stocks/20 bonds/30 cash. Renting house, no debts.
BigNick is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-23-2012, 07:01 PM   #2982
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
redduck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: yonder
Posts: 1,770
Old men are nicer:

An old guy was in Costco, pushing his shopping cart around, when he
collided with a young guy also pushing a cart. He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn' t paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy said "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond
hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.







__________________

__________________
redduck is online now   Reply With Quote
S*** happens: The economics version
Old 04-28-2012, 07:02 AM   #2983
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,503
S*** happens: The economics version

Stand-up economist Yoram Bauman filmed at the 2012 American Economic Association humor session in Chicago, Jan 7, 2012.

S*** happens: The economics version - YouTube

In the unlikely event that anyone reading this thread is offended by vulgarities, this link is to a youtube video of a short comedy routine that focuses on the application of one vulgarity to economic theory.
__________________
MichaelB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2012, 08:37 AM   #2984
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Huston55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Bay Area
Posts: 1,305
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
Stand-up economist Yoram Bauman filmed at the 2012 American Economic Association humor session in Chicago, Jan 7, 2012.

S*** happens: The economics version - YouTube

In the unlikely event that anyone reading this thread is offended by vulgarities, this link is to a youtube video of a short comedy routine that focuses on the application of one vulgarity to economic theory.
Now that S**T is funny!
__________________
You may be whatever you resolve to be.
Huston55 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2012, 03:07 PM   #2985
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Quotes from "Famous" Mothers - Part 1

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"

GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Advice for hikers
Old 05-06-2012, 11:53 PM   #2986
Recycles dryer sheets
Sweetlip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 65
Advice for hikers

The Ohio State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while hiking.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.



__________________
Sweetlip is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-08-2012, 11:44 PM   #2987
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
One of my blogger friends started a pinning website for guys called MANteresting. (It's totally safe for work.) It's racked up huge numbers in two months and they're already talking with investors. Regardless of the stats, the site is a gargantuan waste of time. I've been on it for an hour or two every day of the last couple months and I still can't figure out where the time goes...

You've been warned.

Here's an examination of how historic events would be reported on Facebook:
Manteresting.com : Nail
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2012, 02:31 PM   #2988
Moderator Emeritus
Bestwifeever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 15,458
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
One of my blogger friends started a pinning website for guys called MANteresting. (It's totally safe for work.) It's racked up huge numbers in two months and they're already talking with investors. Regardless of the stats, the site is a gargantuan waste of time. I've been on it for an hour or two every day of the last couple months and I still can't figure out where the time goes...

You've been warned.

Here's an examination of how historic events would be reported on Facebook:
Manteresting.com : Nail
What a funny, funny page. I sent the site on to DH and DS so they can laugh like maniacs too.
__________________

Bestwifeever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2012, 02:34 PM   #2989
Moderator
Sarah in SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 13,412
Nords, I shared it with my boss, too. I told him there were all sorts of things on there, but he's only noticed one kind of posting so far, lol. So I guess your "totally safe for work" assessment is correct, kind of. I described it as pinterest for men.
__________________
“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”
Gerard Arthur Way

Sarah in SC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2012, 02:48 PM   #2990
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2012, 04:30 PM   #2991
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarah in SC View Post
Nords, I shared it with my boss, too. I told him there were all sorts of things on there, but he's only noticed one kind of posting so far, lol.
I guess there's only so many ways to photograph bacon...
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-09-2012, 10:12 PM   #2992
Moderator
MBAustin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,435
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
What a funny, funny page. I sent the site on to DH and DS so they can laugh like maniacs too.
Me, too
__________________
"One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute." William Feather
----------------------------------
ER'd Oct. 2010 at 53. Life is good.
MBAustin is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-10-2012, 10:10 AM   #2993
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.
In related news, Barack and Michelle are planning to renew their vows in North Carolina later this summer.
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2012, 09:52 AM   #2994
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,062
__________________
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2012, 10:17 AM   #2995
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 19th Hole
Posts: 2,333
There was a recent double-murder case, in which a guy strangled two people in a hired hit.

Seems a man wanted his wife dead for her life insurance money, so he hired a guy named Artie McCombs to kill her. Since the payment to the killer was to come from the insurance payout, the hubby symbolically gave McCombs the only dollar in his wallet on the day they made their bloody deal.

Of course, the man didn't want his wife killed in their house or anywhere else that might link him to the killing, so McCombs decided to stalk her and wait for an opportunity in a public (but hidden) place. That place turned out to be the local Safeway grocery early one Tuesday morning, when the fewest staff were on duty. McCombs slipped through the quiet loading docks, waited behind the big swinging doors next to the dairy cases, and grabbed the unsuspecting victim as she walked by. He dragged her back to the docks and strangled her beside the walk-in freezer. But before he could get the body through the freezer door and hide his wretched act, McCombs was surprised by a Safeway employee who had come back to the dry goods section. McCombs grabbed the stammering young man and strangled him, too, but not before the kid croaked out a cry for help which drew the attentions of the butchers, who subdued McCombs until the police arrived.

The next day's headline read:


*


*


*


*


*

Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway
__________________
Normal is an illusion...what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
frayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2012, 02:18 PM   #2996
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2012, 05:10 PM   #2997
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 15
Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy.

Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.''

Shows up at barn raisings in full Kiss make-up.

You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

Got tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns."

Trying to organize a wet bonnet contest.
__________________
shaycool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-15-2012, 05:42 PM   #2998
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2012, 04:42 PM   #2999
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 435
A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg « Borowitz Report

Timely letter from Mark Zukerberg
__________________
kevink is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2012, 07:39 PM   #3000
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,062
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevink View Post
A Letter from Mark Zuckerberg « Borowitz Report

Timely letter from Mark Zukerberg
Thanks, that's really well done. I'm guessing he had some comedy writers help with that.
__________________

__________________
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:41 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.