Dog's Life
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Our house was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the next room is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, growl, etc. or try to turn the knob. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear dogs, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Dogs:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my dogs a lot better than I like a lot of people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, they are my adopted children. They just happen to be short, hairy, walk on all fours and whine & growl instead of speaking like you do.
Remember, Dogs are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train (
)
4. Usually come when called
5. Never ask to drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can just sell their children if you want to.
