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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-13-2005, 12:49 PM   #341
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan . numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries .........


"You want... Beef wif Broccori."?


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-13-2005, 01:50 PM   #342
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Good jokes!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-13-2005, 09:59 PM   #343
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

NYMPHOMANIACS CONVENTION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted* out, Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2005, 08:28 AM   #344
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ReWahoo, Eagle, Outofhere: Funny, funny stuff.

After reading recent thread on "Chain-Saws, and fact that this is early retirement board, reminded me of the following story:

A relatively young guy (Mid 40's), after going through a budget busting divorce, decided that he would move out of the city, and build a log cabin in a very isolated area of the Rockys.

With the help of friends and relatives, he was able to get it done in about a year.

Although very isolated, (required 4 wheel drive to get to his place), using old logging road, he had been there for 3 years and was enjoying his solitude. His only contact with anybody was a 50 mile trip into a small town.

One summer afternoon, there was a knock on his door. "I feel bad that I hadn't stopped by before, stated the stranger, but better late than never I suppose. I'd like to invite you to a get together next Sat. night. Should be a great time. Lots of drinking, maybe a fight or two, and all the sex you want."
The stranger gave him directions to get to his cabin, and he was actually relieved to find that contact back in his life again.

As the stranger was leaving his house, he shouted out to him, "by the way, I guess casual dress is o.k?"

With that, the stranger replied, "Hell yes, don't worry about that. There's only going to be the two of us."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2005, 08:35 AM   #345
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead, I like that one.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2005, 05:24 PM   #346
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead walked into the pub carring a bag full of wheat bread and took a stool at the bar between two of his golfing buddies. After a few beers, they began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," one of his buddies bragged, "and this morning she made me Belgian waffles and told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the other buddy responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When Jarhead remained silent, one of his buddies asked, "And how many times did you make love to Mrs. Jarhead last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" his buddy snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2005, 10:25 PM   #347
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
"Don't stop."
You guys (and gals!) get better everyday. Don't stop! I especially like dirty jokes told by women-so Outtahere, no rest for the wicked!

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2005, 11:33 PM   #348
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HaHa
You guys (and gals!) get better everyday. Don't stop! I especially like dirty jokes told by women-so Outtahere, no rest for the wicked!

Ha
[/quote

Ha: Outtahere has come up with some great ones, no doubt about it!
I hear most of the stories from my wife's hairdresser. I stopped by one time to take my wife out to lunch, and this gal started a rapid-fire
joke telling series that had me damn near in convulsions. Since that time, (knowing that I am a good audience), she never fails to send my wife home with a story for me.
Here's her latest:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand-parents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attck while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm-nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong. "She paused to wipe a tear and continued. "He'd still be alive today if that ****ing ice cream truck hadn't come along".
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2005, 06:46 AM   #349
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL Thanks Ha, I'll do my best.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2005, 09:16 PM   #350
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
LOL Thanks Ha, I'll do my best.
That's a good girl, Outtahere. You are greatly appreciated by this horny old bugger.

And Jarhead, great joke. That lady is a resource person in your life. ( And mine too, since I recycle most of the great jokes that show up here.)

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2005, 10:30 PM   #351
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HaHa
That's a good girl, Outtahere. You are greatly appreciated by this horny old bugger.

And Jarhead, great joke. That lady is a resource person in your life. ( And mine too, since I recycle most of the great jokes that show up here.)

Ha
Well if you really get hard up, I'll put on a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfit and post in a high voice for you.
But,,it'll cost yah
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 07:40 AM   #352
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Gee Ha, I wish I had found this forum sooner, you would have loved joining the Sexual Trivia chat I ran once a week on another site.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 09:19 AM   #353
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
Well if you really get hard up, I'll put on a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader outfit and post in a high voice for you.
But,,it'll cost yah
I'm willing to pay not to see or hear that!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 09:26 AM   #354
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTien
I'm willing to pay not to see or hear that!*
Well thank you.
Your credit card has been charged.*
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 04:35 PM   #355
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

While wandering through Spencer's Gifts, I spied a t-shirt with a photo of GHHWB, with the caption:

"I should have pulled out..."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 07:19 PM   #356
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead's 4 Important Rules on Finding a Good Wife

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 08:29 PM   #357
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
Gee Ha, I wish I had found this forum sooner, you would have loved joining the Sexual Trivia chat I ran once a week on another site.
Umm, me too!*

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-16-2005, 09:25 PM   #358
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An Irishman, an Englisman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But." said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth."

The Englishman responded, "Well, at my local bar, the owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two."

"Ah, that's nothing," the Irishman said. "Back home there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotssman immediately doubted the Irishman's claims.

"Well, said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you."


"Well, no not to me personally," said the Irishman.
But it did happen to my sister."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-19-2005, 12:05 PM   #359
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead was returning from the market after purchasing a fresh supply of wheat bread. On his walk home, he passed a cemetary.

As he walked by, he couldn't help noting a man kneeling at a grave, praying with profound intensity and repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

Jarhead approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-19-2005, 12:48 PM   #360
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Christmas Humor (??)
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son shouts. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this. So, you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce." she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

(where there is a will--there is a way)
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