It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
The doctor asks her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
blueskyk
Recycles dryer sheets
For dog lovers
I don't think this is the kind of "shot" the world is looking for.
But how do I get the olive in??
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I think the Italians are working on that one. (Probably will be in the form of olive oil
)
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A few older ones, some newer ones, some re-posts but worthy of repeating, some groaners too. Many can't be posted on this forum but are hilarious.... Best I can do for a Sunday morning.
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What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
A blonde broke down crying when she was told by her doctor that she was pregnant with twins. What's wrong asked the doctor? The blonde said, my husband won't believe me when I tell him I don't know who the father is of the second child.
A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial
intelligence.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years.
After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."
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What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
A blonde broke down crying when she was told by her doctor that she was pregnant with twins. What's wrong asked the doctor? The blonde said, my husband won't believe me when I tell him I don't know who the father is of the second child.
A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial
intelligence.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years.
After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."
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timbervest
Recycles dryer sheets
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A very attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and wanted to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The pit boss said okay.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and the pit boss, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,.... but all men... well, are men!
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and the pit boss, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,.... but all men... well, are men!
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A young man gets a much better job and moves his father from a lousy nursing home to an upscale one. The old man is sitting there the first day and leans to the left. A nurse runs over and straightens him up. He leans right and she does it again. His son drops by and asks, well dad how do you like it here? The old man says “well it’s ok only they won’t let me fart”.
travelover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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The above reminds me of when I was in 9th grade art class. We were sweeping up at the end of the class session and a kid was goofing around with the broom. I said, "Hey, careful with that broom, Mrs. Jones has to ride it home". I turned around and there was Mrs. Jones. Next day I was transferred to another art class. 
Dtail
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
The above reminds me of when I was in 9th grade art class. We were sweeping up at the end of the class session and a kid was goofing around with the broom. I said, "Hey, careful with that broom, Mrs. Jones has to ride it home". I turned around and there was Mrs. Jones. Next day I was transferred to another art class.
In 8th grade, a student in my class was caught chewing gum. The teacher asked did he bring gum for everyone?
He then took out 30 pieces of gum. She did not punish him.
True story.
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
There's this blonde.
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
So he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".
She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class please move to the back of the plane"
The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"
So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened.
So he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.
She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".
So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on.
He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.
The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane.
They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.
The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else.
I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
During a recent audit by a company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include one capital."
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include one capital."
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Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
ENGINEERS' CONVERSION TABLE
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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Jeb-NY
Recycles dryer sheets
Shouldn't that be 1 paradigms
Car-Guy
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A cabbie picks up a nun in NYC. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't
want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
have seen and heard just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun. She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number
one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. " Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills
his fantasy with a deep passionate kiss. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, that's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
masquerade party."
want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
have seen and heard just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun. She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number
one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. " Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills
his fantasy with a deep passionate kiss. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, that's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
masquerade party."
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