It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her boyfriend.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your boyfriend drink it all. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"After reading my message in the bottom of the cup, he still asked for a second cup.

 

[Car-Guy]

They must be members of er.org.

 

[Car-Guy]

I can't take much more of 2020 so I’m gonna ask my Mom if that offer to “slap me into next year” is still on the table.

 

[Car-Guy]

My wife an I started to keep argument jars. If we argue about something for more than 10 minutes, one of us will toss a coin in the air to settle it. If the coin comes down, she wins and puts the coin in her jar. If it stays suspended in air forever, I win and the coin goes in my jar.

 

[Car-Guy]

A new spin to an old joke.


A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

I just don't care anymore, I'm retired....

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A little Christmas humor


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

[Lawrencewendall]

A little Christmas humor


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

According to my neighbors 3 yr old, I'm in stage 4.

 

[Nemo2]

According to my neighbors 3 yr old, I'm in stage 4.

Wait until you're asked if you're Santa's grandfather.

 

[Car-Guy]

All of you "LBYM" types here should like this one.


Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same"
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price....

 

[Car-Guy]

I didn't know I spoke French so well myself.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Always wondered about that bridge too.

(Last one for today - my source for these jokes is slowing down again.)

 

[Chuckanut]

<snip>
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price....

“And they have a coupon.”

 

[Car-Guy]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome. "Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it. "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"

 

[Car-Guy]

A couple of weeks ago, I played a round of golf with a new member who played right handed shot an even par 72.
We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.
He said: "Sure, but I might be fifteen minutes late."
The following week he shows up right on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left-handed – and again he shoots a 72.
I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.
He replied: "Sure but I might be fifteen minutes late ."
I then asked him - "How come sometimes you play right-handed and other times you play left-handed."
He said: "When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right-handed."
I then ask; "So, what if she is lying flat on her back?"
"Well, that's when I'll be a fifteen minutes late!" he replied.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Dtail]

Could be Florida too.

 

[Car-Guy]

Could be Florida too.

^^^^^ Or Texas

(The problem right now is getting ammo, not guns. Almost as hard to find as TP was in the summer! Glad I stocked up - on both)

 

[Keim]

No, that's Idaho. And it's his 10th run thru the state.

 

[aja8888]

^^^^^ Or Texas

(The problem right now is getting ammo, not guns. Almost as hard to find as TP was in the summer! Glad I stocked up - on both)

Last time I was in WV, I stopped at a roadside flea market and there were several tables full of rifles and pistols for sale. Cash only.

Oh, I'm in Texas and managed to buy 9 mm ammo last month. We have it here. No problem.