It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[brewer12345]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This on is for you, Al:

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses
a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed
it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang.'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[wallygator69]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Yeah, its tasteless, but I just couldn't resist:

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

Why does Rosie Odonnell want to be reincarnated as a whale?

So she can have a 7 foot tongue and breath out of the top of her head....

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altarboy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Before his 2001 inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery that the President's private bathroom had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said, "Bill, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down
on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what
will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied. "A martini
please". The robot clicked a couple of times and
mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of
relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel', and 'the latest
medical break throughs.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but
thought he would try a different tact. He returned and
took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he
would have. He responded, "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what
is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing,
the latest basketball scores, and what to expect
the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left,
returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the
question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh ..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked, "A-r-e? Y-o-u-r? P-e-o-p-l-e? G-o-i-n-g? T-o?
N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

 

[haha]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

So he left,
returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the
question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh ..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked, "A-r-e? Y-o-u-r? P-e-o-p-l-e? G-o-i-n-g? T-o?
N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

LOL!!!

 

[larry]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I apologize if this is a repeat.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ted Kennedy hears from Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive,"Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

With in a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

 

[Sam]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ha ha. I had to print it out to see the message. Good one.

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My DW needs your help. She wants to know which Walmart sells this mirror...

 

[Caroline]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This made me laugh...


We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I was deleting stuff from my computer and found this little funny


SIX PRESIDENTS ...

*are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do"

Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

 

[greg]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I was deleting stuff from my computer and found this little funny


SIX PRESIDENTS ...

*are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do"

Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

It needs an update:

Bush II says, "Full steam ahead!" :

 

[Eagle43]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It needs an update:

Bush II says, "Full steam ahead!" :

Bush II says, "Stay the Course."

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

To those who don't believe in Darwin's theory...

• Darrell Rodgers, 40, was treated at Bloomington (Ind.) Hospital in August after shooting himself in the left knee because he felt he had to try something to end the pain there, pain possibly from having shot himself in that knee 10 years earlier.

• Electrician Paul Trotman, 51, was arrested in Clay County, Fla., in August for rigging an electrical device to shock a 3½-year-old boy who lived with Trotman and his wife, after Trotman got fed up that the boy was constantly urinating on electrical outlets just to see sparks fly.

News of the Weird

 

[Cool Dood]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Via e-mail.

--

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Henry ."

Passenger: "Who?"

"He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened perfectly like that to Henry - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Henry. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good, and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Henry."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."

 

[Sam]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Thanks Cool Dood. It's the best one I've heard in a long time.

 

[shorttimer]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I can't remember if someone posted this as the months have gone by, but it circulated to my e-mail today and seemed fitting.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

George Bush Goes To School

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and the President asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have four questions":
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess.


When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?" asks Bush.
"Actually, I have six questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley? "

 

[Cool Dood]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Unintentionally funny domain names

4. There is one betting site that is way out in front as our favorite. With their name they are bound to attract a lot of people looking for each-way wagers: www.oddsexchange.com

10. The plant-growers of Mole Station Nursery in New South Wales claim to specialise in the production of frost- hardy native shrubs and farm trees. Sounds like they are more into deflowering: www.molestationnursery.com

15. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

More at the link...

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This one is for DOG

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

 

[laurence]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Why don't Congressman use bookmarks?





They just bend the pages over.

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How do you separate the men from the boys?





Mid-term elections...

 

[FinanceDude]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How do you know if you're a spinster in Mississippi?

If you make it to your 21st birthday without marrying a sibling or relative........