It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[brewer12345]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

In Pharmacology, all have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

[Nords]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

As long as it's not stolen by hardened criminals...

 

[retire@40]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

...Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form...

Good, because the pills had a tendency to get stuck in the throat and give people a stiff neck.

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Some of the 2006 IgNobel Prize winners:

-- BIOLOGY - Bart Knols of Wageningen Agricultural University in the Netherlands, the National Institute for Medical Research in Tanzania and the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna, Austria and colleague Ruurd de Jong for showing that the female Anopheles gambiae mosquito, which carries malaria, is attracted equally to the smell of limburger cheese and to the smell of human feet.

-- ORNITHOLOGY - Ivan Schwab of the University of California Davis, and the late Philip R.A. May of the University of California Los Angeles, for explaining why woodpeckers do not get headaches.

-- NUTRITION - Wasmia Al-Houty of Kuwait University and Faten Al-Mussalam of the Kuwait Environment Public Authority, for showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters.

-- PEACE - Howard Stapleton of Merthyr Tydfil, Wales, for inventing a teen-ager repellent -- a device that makes a high-pitched noise that is annoying to teen-agers but inaudible to most adults; and for later using the technology to make cellphone ringtones that teenagers can hear but not their teachers.

-- ACOUSTICS - D. Lynn Halpern, Randolph Blake and James Hillenbrand of Chicago's Northwestern University for a 1986 experiment aimed at discovering why the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard is so irritating.

-- MEDICINE - Francis Fesmire of the University of Tennessee College of Medicine and the team of Majed Odeh, Harry Bassan and Arie Oliven of Bnai Zion Medical Center in Haifa, Israel who both published studies entitled "Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage."

 

[Sarah in SC]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days.

Interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
down town and entered a shop. I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,
"Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called
him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a
"doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your imortant documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[astromeria]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You Shall Not Pass!

According to the Bucks County Courier, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said that the United States has avoided terrorist attacks at home over the past five years because the "Eye of Mordor" has been focused on Iraq.
.
.
.
Uh, excuse me, I think I misplaced my duncecap ring....

 

[Cool Dood]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone… “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A voice from near the front pierces the silence… “Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!”

 

[Elderdude]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down"

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia ,
she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for
me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again,
waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' We go to a smokina car, and I smokea my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus

 

[mathjak107]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

what do rednecks do on halloween?


PUMP-KIN

 

[mathjak107]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How do you separate the men from the boys?





Mid-term elections...

a crow bar??

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: CDC Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonhorrhea Lectim, pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em". Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions,
cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and h istory , tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a Bush found in Texas.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



Reminds me of two (2) other medical terms:

Optical Rectitus. This is when your optic nerve is connected to your ass.
It gives you a sh***y outlook on life.

Addadicktomy. Sex change operation.

JG

 

[shorttimer]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[REWahoo]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

OK...which one of you sent this to Scott Adams?

 

[Nords]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

OK...which one of you sent this to Scott Adams?

I'm wondering what name he uses to post here...

 

[HFWR]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I often think he's in the cell cube next to me...

 

[Nords]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Whoops, he just invoked Godwin's Law.

 

[TromboneAl]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I've got CDO. It's like obsessive compulsive disorder, but the letters are in alphabetical order.

 

[dory36]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I've got CDO. It's like obsessive compulsive disorder, but the letters are in alphabetical order.

Sorta like DAM... Mothers Against Dyslexia...

 

[Khan]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sorta like DAM... Mothers Against Dyslexia...

DAMM
Drunks Against Mad Mothers

 

[Elderdude]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I have anal gloucoma... I just can't see getting my ass to work anymore.

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I love Maxine

 

[Outtahere]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

 

[brewer12345]

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

RECIPE FOR LOVE:

2x Laughing eyes
2x Well shaped legs
2x Loving arms
2x Firm milk containers
2x Nuts
1x Fur lined mixing bowl
1x firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms
3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.
(For best results, continue to knead milk containers). 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town