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Old 04-16-2008, 10:50 AM   #1341
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:50 AM   #1342
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A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, 'Harry, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Harry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light
goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day,
the doctor calls Harry's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'Harry is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is
it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in
the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:51 AM   #1343
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TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individualsthroughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases ha
s been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think y ou understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
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Old 04-16-2008, 10:53 AM   #1344
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The Worlds Best Kept Auto Secret

I have been driving for more than 3 decades. One would think I would have noticed the little secret on my dash that was staring me right in the face the whole time. I hadn't and I bet you probably haven't either.

Quick question, what side of your car is your gas tank? If you are anything like me, you probably can't remember right away, especially if you drive more than one car. My solution is to, uncomfortably, stick my head out the window, strain my neck and look. If you don't do this in your own car you definitely have done it in a borrowed or rental car.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to share with you my little secret so you will no longer look like Ace Ventura on your way to the gas station or put your neck at risk of discomfort or injury.
If you look at your gas gauge, you will see a small icon of a gas pump. The handle of the gas pump will extend out on either the left or right side of the pump. If your tank is on the left, the handle will be on the left. If your tank is on the right, the handle will be on the right (see photo above). It is that simple!

I don't know how you feel right now but when I found out this morning I felt cheated!
Why don't the dealers share such important information with car buyers? I don't understand why this isn't in the driver's manual? I don't get why any mechanic I have ever been too or know has even thought of mentioning this to me? The only possible explanation can be that all these people probably don't even know!
Go out and share the worlds best kept auto secret with your friends as this is information is way too important to be kept secret.
Now all I have to do is remember this e-mail
Attached Images
File Type: bmp left.bmp (502.5 KB, 58 views)
File Type: bmp right.bmp (502.5 KB, 35 views)
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Old 04-16-2008, 01:34 PM   #1345
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10 Reasons NOT to Jog



1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.



2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.



3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.



4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.



6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.



7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.



9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.



10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a martini up!
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:39 PM   #1346
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Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.

"’Tis the Lord’s holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.

"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "Another bloomin'miracle."
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:39 PM   #1347
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:40 PM   #1348
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A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:41 PM   #1349
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Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:43 PM   #1350
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Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat, "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."

Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:44 PM   #1351
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A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed off to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'LL be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya, she's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:46 PM   #1352
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A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull$hit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:47 PM   #1353
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After a party, as a couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

Then the wife yells, "Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:47 PM   #1354
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A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.

"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you with that cart after you eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa won't like it."

After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the cart."
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Old 04-16-2008, 02:48 PM   #1355
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Old 04-17-2008, 08:51 AM   #1356
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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation inWashington,DC
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Old 04-17-2008, 10:47 AM   #1357
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde named Betty at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as Betty the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

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Old 04-17-2008, 03:14 PM   #1358
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What did the cake say to the knife?





YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!


hehe heh hehe
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Old 04-18-2008, 11:55 AM   #1359
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me."
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Old 04-18-2008, 11:56 AM   #1360
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman thought about it a moment and said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’"
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