It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[TromboneAl]

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys
around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys
at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased
to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys
at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city
on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:
‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man
has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and
when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought
all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only
lots and lots of monkeys.

 

[haha]

Kids Tell How To Decide Who To Marry

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille , age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick , age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori , age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette , age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig , age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam , age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt , age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard , age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita , age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky , age 10

 

[bruce1]

WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the ground!


Have a great day...

 

[frayne]

So tonight, I took a careful look at spouse and said, “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

Spouse is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

[frayne]

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in you opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty of Buffalo . Plenty Beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing - all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

 

[MichaelB]

Man's rules

MAN'S RULES


• Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• I am in shape. Round is a shape.

• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

 

[bbbamI]

Smiley at Walmart......

You should always look twice before going out....

 

[brewer12345]

Heh: I Like HORES

 

[jambo101]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: * 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
* 1 to move it to the Lighting section
* 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
* 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
* 5 to flame the spell checkers
* 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
* 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
* 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
* 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
* 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
* 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
* 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
* 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
* 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
* 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
* 5 to post that they read this list years ago.

 

[NW-Bound]

Plus one more to make a joke out of it.
Then, one more to point out the above fact.

 

[freebird5825]

Don't forget...1 to say they changed light bulbs in a thunderstorm, by hand, going uphill on the ladder both ways, when they were younger...

 

[Nords]

Don't forget...1 to say they changed light bulbs in a thunderstorm, by hand, going uphill on the ladder both ways, when they were younger...

Lightbulbs? You had lightbulbs?!?

With apologies to the Four Yorkshiremen...

 

[bbbamI]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize,
you have been listening to your iPod.

 

[Trek]

Long Term: The car is cheaper


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural
beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an
ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and
three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

[haha]

LOL!

Good woman judgment in men mostly has to wait until their libido has finally died down a bit. And too many of us run out of time before that happens.

Ha

 

[ls99]

Serves him right. Should have waited until the money was his, then rent her for a while.

Kind of like the one selling her virginity to a high bidder. We already know what she is, now just haggling over the price.

 

[RonBoyd]

 

[Leonardo]

It's funny because it's true.

 

[bbbamI]

School project...what does your mom do for a living?

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

 

[bbbamI]

The Affair....


A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

[SarahW]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

 

[harley]

I know what you mean. Ever since eating has replaced sex as a primary activity, I can't even get into my own pants.

 

[ScooterGuy]

The phone call

This is SOOO wrong:


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting
changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man
picks it up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins a
conversation.

Man: "Hello?"

Wife: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw
a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

M: "What's the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2010 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and
he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year..."

M: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else....."

M: "What?"

W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house
we looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool,
English Garden, acre of park area, beach-front property."

M: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I
was reconciling your bank account... and I see that we have enough in
the bank to cover the down payment."

M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W: "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

M: "Bye... I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and disbelief.

The man holds up the phone and asks, "Anyone knows who this phone
belongs to?"

 

[hakuna matata]

Lipstick in School

An old joke but still funny

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. and then there are educators.

 

[hakuna matata]

Monkeys

Another old one but still struck my funny bone and so appropo with the current stock market isn't it?


Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought”. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.