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Old 12-26-2008, 12:55 PM   #1681
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
That's all we need. Another Taliban uprising...
... from a bunch of hardened criminals...
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:04 PM   #1682
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...negotiating for release...
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:09 PM   #1683
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come on now.....
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:15 PM   #1684
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and husband to four younger women

Now we know the REAL reason the pill manufacturers say to call your physician if things are still vertical after 4 hours.
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:26 PM   #1685
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The Taliban are facing some stiff competition
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:28 PM   #1686
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The Taliban are facing some stiff competition
I'll bet coming up with that one was, well, rather hard...
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:43 PM   #1687
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Should he call his general if the negotiations last more than 4 hours?
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:45 PM   #1688
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Not sure whether this thread should go here, in the joke thread or in the Soapbox.
Although all the votes may not be in, the final results are no longer in doubt. I'm moving it.
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:51 PM   #1689
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Computor Woman

a.. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!

c.. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

d.. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

e.. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun!

f.. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!

g.. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

h.. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

i.. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

j.. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

k.. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
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Old 12-29-2008, 10:14 AM   #1690
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Pilot Philosophy







The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.


Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.


The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.


Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.


Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.


The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.


The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'


If something hasn't broken on your helicopter

--it's about to.


I give that landing a 9.....On the Richter scale.


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.


Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."

The three best things in a Naval Aviator's life are:
A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.









--






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Old 12-29-2008, 11:22 AM   #1691
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Pilot Philosophy
And people think that submariners are nuts?!?
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We seniors can be helpful
Old 12-30-2008, 12:59 PM   #1692
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We seniors can be helpful

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?'

I said..... 'Doesn't matter.... Let's look for yours.'

We Old Guys are helpful like that.
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Old 12-30-2008, 01:47 PM   #1693
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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Old 12-31-2008, 10:42 AM   #1694
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TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008


1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.




2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded him self inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'





3. WHAT WAS PLAN B
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different a utomated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.





4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the c ash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.





5. DID I SAY THAT
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'





6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant a nd her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'





7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!





8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!




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Old 01-01-2009, 08:27 PM   #1695
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A woman tells her friend that her husband just gave her a bunch of flowers.



"Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air"



"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"
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Old 01-05-2009, 03:19 PM   #1696
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A man wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling very horny, he nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees, and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
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Old 01-05-2009, 03:23 PM   #1697
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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her father had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her father had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. You can follow me over to K-Mart now if you like.”
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Old 01-05-2009, 03:31 PM   #1698
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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher replies, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?"

The teacher looked at him and said, "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies, "Then I definitely sh!t my pants."
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Old 01-07-2009, 02:30 PM   #1699
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My wife asked me what I was doing today.
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I didn't finish."
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Talking Frog
Old 01-08-2009, 11:47 AM   #1700
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Talking Frog

So.......
Two ladies were out taking a walk in the park and they see a frog. The frog says "Hello". Amazed that the frog can talk the women are incredulous. The frog explains....
"I am trapped in a curse. The spell can be broken with a woman's kiss. I am really a musician, I play the guitar. Take me home and let me play you love songs. You can be my muse. I will play music all day and into the night. I will play into the evenings at the clubs and bars and honkey-tonks. When I come home in the mornings you will be waiting and you can cook me breakfast and I will reward your adoring attention by writing more songs. Kiss me and we can live such a life together forever"
The one woman scoops up the frog and puts him in her purse.
Her younger friend asks......"Aren't you gonna kiss him?"
Reply......."Honey....he's worth more to me as a talking frog"
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