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Old 01-09-2009, 08:34 PM   #1701
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Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys
around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys
at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased
to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so
scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys
at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city
on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:
‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man
has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and
when the man returns from the city, you can sell them
to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought
all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only
lots and lots of monkeys.
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Kids Tell How To Decide Who To Marry
Old 01-10-2009, 12:51 AM   #1702
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Kids Tell How To Decide Who To Marry

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille , age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick , age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori , age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette , age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig , age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam , age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt , age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard , age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita , age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky , age 10
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:36 AM   #1703
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WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the ground!


Have a great day...
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:08 PM   #1704
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So tonight, I took a careful look at spouse and said, “44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

Spouse is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:01 PM   #1705
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Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in you opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty of Buffalo . Plenty Beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing - all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"
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Man's rules
Old 01-11-2009, 11:37 AM   #1706
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Man's rules

MAN'S RULES


Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Old 01-15-2009, 02:02 PM   #1707
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Smiley at Walmart......

You should always look twice before going out....
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Old 01-17-2009, 06:58 PM   #1708
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Heh: I Like HORES
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Old 01-19-2009, 11:11 AM   #1709
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How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: * 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
* 1 to move it to the Lighting section
* 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
* 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
* 5 to flame the spell checkers
* 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
* 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
* 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
* 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
* 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
* 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
* 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
* 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
* 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
* 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
* 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
* 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
* 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
* 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
* 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
* 5 to post that they read this list years ago.
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Old 01-20-2009, 10:41 AM   #1710
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Plus one more to make a joke out of it.
Then, one more to point out the above fact.
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Old 01-20-2009, 12:23 PM   #1711
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Don't forget...1 to say they changed light bulbs in a thunderstorm, by hand, going uphill on the ladder both ways, when they were younger...
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Old 01-20-2009, 02:37 PM   #1712
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freebird5825 View Post
Don't forget...1 to say they changed light bulbs in a thunderstorm, by hand, going uphill on the ladder both ways, when they were younger...
Lightbulbs? You had lightbulbs?!?

With apologies to the Four Yorkshiremen...
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Old 01-21-2009, 01:20 PM   #1713
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize,
you have been listening to your iPod.
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Long Term: The car is cheaper
Old 01-25-2009, 02:35 AM   #1714
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Long Term: The car is cheaper


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a
wife with which to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural
beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an
ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and
three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Old 01-25-2009, 02:41 AM   #1715
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LOL!

Good woman judgment in men mostly has to wait until their libido has finally died down a bit. And too many of us run out of time before that happens.

Ha
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Old 01-25-2009, 08:20 AM   #1716
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Serves him right. Should have waited until the money was his, then rent her for a while.

Kind of like the one selling her virginity to a high bidder. We already know what she is, now just haggling over the price.
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Old 01-25-2009, 09:48 AM   #1717
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goals.jpg

Too Little.jpg

Zombie.jpg
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"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Old 01-25-2009, 10:27 AM   #1718
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It's funny because it's true.
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School project...what does your mom do for a living?
Old 01-29-2009, 11:48 AM   #1719
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School project...what does your mom do for a living?

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:43 AM   #1720
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The Affair....


A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned!
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
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