Rim shots
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, Can you believe that: 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes
The Grim Reaper came for me last night,and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death…..
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador dog."
"You don't want to be doing that,so you don't" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...
A man walks into a Welsh pub and ordersa white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from? You sound English," asks the barman,
"Yes, I am from just across the river Severn,"replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, 'just across the river Severn?'",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"It's alright boys. He's one ofus."
Spent £40 on Ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I saw a poor old lady fall over todayon the ice!!
I presume she was poor she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my rectum!
Do you think I should change dentist?
YouTube - rimshot