It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[vicente solano]

Has your spouse gained too much weight, wrinkles, getting into lazy habits or becoming more and more boring....? Stopped being attractive?

Talk the spouse into walking 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles in the evening...and you´ll see the results!! They´ll be amazing!!

In a week the said spouse shall be 70 miles away from home....!!

 

[braumeister]

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

 

[calmloki]

Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[Lisa99]

Seen on a sign in a restaurant in southern Utah. Restaurant was built in 1931 and still owned by the original family...

Women do not burp, snore or pass gas. Therefore they must bitch or they would blow up! Right?

 

[mickeyd]

Stupid Sports Quotes

1. In 2004 the Minnesota Timberwolves offered Sprewell a $21 million contract extension. The three year extension was famously rejected by Spree with these words, "I have a family to feed."

He played out his contract, having the worst statistical year of his career, and then never played in the NBA again.

2. David Beckham - When asked if he was a volatile player, the response came: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."

3. Boxer Alan Minter - "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing—but none of them serious. "

4. Ron Meyer - "It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids."

5. Baseballer Andre Dawson - “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

6. Basketballer Scotty Pippen - "He's one of the best power forwards of all time. I take my hands off to him."

 

[SarahW]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

 

[MikeD]

Seen on a sign in a restaurant in southern Utah. Restaurant was built in 1931 and still owned by the original family...

Women do not burp, snore or pass gas. Therefore they must bitch or they would blow up! Right?

In my old '70s copy of my favorite cookbook, "The Joy of Cooking," they mention that there is a restaurant sign that says "Steaks cooked to your likeness." This has given my wife and me over 30 years worth of chuckles.

Mike D.

 

[hakuna matata]

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[hakuna matata]

AAADD

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:

I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car ... BUT FIRST, I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on the desk.

After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.....Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops. There's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks ...
BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just put them away ... BUT FIRST, need to water those plants. I head for the door and .... Aaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot.
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants.... BUT FIRST,
I need to find those checks.

END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because .... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help ... BUT FIRST.... I think I'll check my e-mail.

 

[Alan]

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident,
which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no!
Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother says, "Wow!
That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother.
I really like the name "Denise."
What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

[mickeyd]

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

 

[Sam]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

[David1961]

The blind daters had really hit it off, and at the end of the evening,
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish." Then, looking down at her new man's member, she added, "but I
suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

 

[Alan]

Rim shots

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, Can you believe that: 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death…..

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador dog."
"You don't want to be doing that,so you don't" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...

A man walks into a Welsh pub and ordersa white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from? You sound English," asks the barman,
"Yes, I am from just across the river Severn,"replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, 'just across the river Severn?'",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"It's alright boys. He's one ofus."

Spent £40 on Ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over todayon the ice!!
I presume she was poor she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my rectum!
Do you think I should change dentist?

YouTube - rimshot

 

[MichaelB]

A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr-gerrrrr-Kiiiiing."

 

[braumeister]

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr-gerrrrr-Kiiiiing."

I love that one. The way I heard it (at least 30 years ago), involved the town of Natchitoches, Louisiana, and DAY-REE KWEEN.

 

[mickeyd]

California Bashin' on a winters day...

What's the Difference Between California in 1850, AND Today?

California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like Californis is today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

 

[Sam]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.'

 

[hakuna matata]

Country-Western Song Titles I'd like to See

1. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
2. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
3. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
4. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
5. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
7. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
10. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
11. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me

 

[eytonxav]

Hot and Cold Sex


After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm
usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."


When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything
appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?'


The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.


The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He
claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any
idea about why?'


"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August."

 

[packrat44]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the Heck I am...

 

[packrat44]

Geography Lesson of the Day

​

That concludes ourGeography Lesson of the Day!
Thank you and please pass on this knowledge.

 

[packrat44]

Marriage Counseling


After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been
married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she
had
endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
embraced
and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised
eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist
turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3
times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I
fish.'

 

[packrat44]

By today's standards none of us were supposed to ever make it.

HIGHSCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

 

[travelover]

..........
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. ..........

Boy, I sure miss the good old days when kids with ADHD were beaten.