It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
 
Two Mafia bosses playing golf.........just as one of them is about to make an important putt a funeral procession passes on the road below the hill they're on.

First Mafia boss snaps to attention, removes his hat, and holds it over his chest.

Second boss says "Hey, wassup, we a playing golf or what?"

First boss replies "Show some respect, it's a sad day when a beautiful, talented, sexy 19 year old girl is buried".

Second boss..."Dis a girl, what'd she die of?"

First boss......"STD"

Second boss "C'mon, itsa 2014, they gotta medical miracles, nobody no more don't die of no STD".

First boss...."When theya give it to me they do".
 
Well, since this thread has degenerated from wholesome jokes about Aussies and their kangaroos to slurs against Italians I guess it's time for a Catholic church joke:

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asked

'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.
 
Really...

…I think that some days our dogs merely tolerate us mortals. She was not amused!
 

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Lucantes said:
The day I let someone else tell me what I am supposed to think is funny is the day that I no longer deserve to laugh!
:cool:
Click to expand...

I am not sure why you quoted me on this. I didn't tell anyone what they are supposed to think is funny. I gave my own opinion as it applied to me. If you find any jokes here funny (which many of them are), knock yourself out. To me, there are jokes here that I have heard similar variation many times before. It's like watching a new movie which I have seen similar one many times before. :cool:
 
I'm having my Mom's mail forwarded to me while she's in the nursing home, so I just got her most recent Reader's Digest. I haven't read one of these in a couple of decades, but they have an article titled "Jokes that make you sound smarter". Examples:

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies coolly, "I said I'd be home by quarter of 12."

A recent finding by statisticians show the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was "Bach, Bach, Bach..."

What did the DNA say to the other DNA? "Do these genes make me look fat?"

and my favorite:

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
 
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be
possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the
will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your
will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my
funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a
man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow
morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour,
but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County
bury her!"
 
robnplunder said:
I am not sure why you quoted me on this. I didn't tell anyone what they are supposed to think is funny. I gave my own opinion as it applied to me. If you find any jokes here funny (which many of them are), knock yourself out. To me, there are jokes here that I have heard similar variation many times before. It's like watching a new movie which I have seen similar one many times before. :cool:
Click to expand...
I wasn't making an attack upon you, or your opinion (or at least it wasn’t my intention), more along the lines that, IMHO, trying to qualify or critique humor is about as useful as trying to do it to anything that is subjective: art, music, beauty, comedy etc.
Some people think certain things are funny, others may find them not so funny and others may even find them offensive…I think all three of them are right and wrong. I don’t know what is funny, except when I do. “I know it when I see it…”. If something made me laugh, chuckle, smirk or spit milk out of my nose and pee my pants then I am pretty sure that it is funny…..to me anyways. Your mileage may vary however….:peace:
 
Lucantes said:
I wasn't making an attack upon you, or your opinion (or at least it wasn’t my intention), more along the lines that, IMHO, trying to qualify or critique humor is about as useful as trying to do it to anything that is subjective: art, music, beauty, comedy etc.
Some people think certain things are funny, others may find them not so funny and others may even find them offensive…I think all three of them are right and wrong. I don’t know what is funny, except when I do. “I know it when I see it…”. If something made me laugh, chuckle, smirk or spit milk out of my nose and pee my pants then I am pretty sure that it is funny…..to me anyways. Your mileage may vary however….:peace:
Click to expand...


Certainly true.... But what escapes me is when people are warned and still become offended. I remember when "Borat" came out the ticket sellers were warning everyone that this movie will be offensive and warning them prior. I told them I knew, and that in fact is the reason why I want to see it. But several older couples walked out of the movie in disgust while it was playing. Hey you were warned, why did insist on going? I admit I have never grown up...Anytime I read a movie review that pans a movie with phrases such as "juvenile", "tired worn out sophomoric phrases"or "the usual locker room humor" it's probably a movie I am going to enjoy.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
Mulligan said:
Certainly true.... But what escapes me is when people are warned and still become offended. I remember when "Borat" came out the ticket sellers were warning everyone that this movie will be offensive and warning them prior. I told them I knew, and that in fact is the reason why I want to see it. But several older couples walked out of the movie in disgust while it was playing. Hey you were warned, why did insist on going? I admit I have never grown up...Anytime I read a movie review that pans a movie with phrases such as "juvenile", "tired worn out sophomoric phrases"or "the usual locker room humor" it's probably a movie I am going to enjoy.
Click to expand...
I have to admit that the majority of my humor would be considered as juvenile and leaning towards the "blue" end of the spectrum (although my only real criteria for humor is that it has to make me laugh, I try and not put limits on it). Show me a video clip of pretty much anyone getting hit, or kicked, in the crotch and I am almost guaranteed to laugh, I just can't help it (as long as I am not the one in the video getting hit or kicked!)! Does that make me a bad person? (if the answer is yes well I just don’t care and will have to live with being a bad person) If something is really considered offensive, or I am told that I am supposed to be offended by it, then there is a very good chance that it will make me laugh (this tends to drive my wife a lil’ bit crazy sometimes). I hate all of the modern day PC crap and think there is a real difference between someone making a joke about a topic or group, and someone using their hatred and bigotry actually against a group etc.
I cannot understand anyone that wants to censor free expression, or that insists that I should be offended by something that offends them. Don't like it, don't watch it!
:duh:
 
Upsetting australians

I'm an Australian citizen now but I was born in New Zealand so here goes...

An American tourist on vacation in New Zealand stopped at a small country pub (bar) for a drink. He walked in to the bar and a group of farmers drinking in a group with the barman all stopped talking and stared at him. The barman came over to him and asked what would like to drink. The American said he'd have a beer.
Feeling guilty about the cold stares the other customers gave him, the barman asked him what he did for a living.
The American replied, "I'm a taxidermist."
The barman said. "A tixidermist whit's thit?"
The American said "I mount animals." and the barman turned to the other customers and said, "It's all right fellers, he's one of us!"
 
Blind man with a joke.

A blind man walks into a female biker bar without realizing where he is. He makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. After a few minutes he says “hey, anyone want to hear a blonde joke?” The large woman on the stool next to him says “You’re blind so I going to advise you of something. I am blonde, 6’2” and weigh 175 lbs., and have a black belt in karate. The woman on the other side of you is a blonde and a professional weight lifter, the bartender is a blonde and has a baseball bat, the woman sitting at the table behind you is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and last but not least the bouncer is also a blonde woman. Now that you know that there are five blondes here do you still want to tell your joke?” The man thought for a moment and said “No way, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
 
I just got back from Florida. I was a bit upset, as the lifeguard at the resort yelled at me for peeing in the pool. He shouted so loud, I almost fell in....
 
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129. The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129. The priest apologized, Sorry sister but the flesh is weak Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
 
The neighborhood busybody notices a new move in and wanders over as he is on the lawn, "Hi, I want to welcome you to our Florida Retirement community. We have social outings every Tues night, luncheons Thursdays and dances Friday and Saturday nights. Are you here by yourself?"
"Yea I just got out of the Pen, got ten years for killing my old lady."
"Oh, so you're Single then........"
 
Oh, nuts. I just hit the escape key on my computer... but it didn't work. I'm still sitting in my office working.:facepalm:
 
N CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA...
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK , "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE
'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH,
A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.


THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,
SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.


HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":


IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. & MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUT AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
That story broke up all the people present.
 
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