It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[growing_older]

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

[NW-Bound]

Thanks. I was scratching my head about these 2 lines that were out of order.

 

[Tailgate]

funniest thing I've seen in awhile... exchange is in spanish, so read the subtitles...

https://www.facebook.com/brunonumerouno/videos/10152540151601966/?fref=nf

 

[imoldernu]

Bad day?

 

[mickeyd]

If Ikea sold cars



And this, of course

 

[mickeyd]

History of the famous middle finger

HISTORY OF THE FAMOUS MIDDLE FINGER

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

The History of the Middle Finger: Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'flipping the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

 

[Revlefty]

You know you are under extreme work pressure when you pull over to the side of the road and open your lunch box to see whether you is going to work, or coming back from work.

 

[FiveDriver]

What do you get when you take Viagra with a plate of beans ??

A stiff wind.




Ba-da-bump.

 

[Nemo2]

20 Funny Illustrations That Prove The World Has Seriously Changed For The Worse

 

[redduck]

cloning gone bad

The original bird-dog?

 

[MichaelB]

Humor for graphic designers 27 Funny Posters And Charts That Graphic Designers Will Relate To

 

[gretah]

A pug dog went into a bank for a loan. He walked straight up to the loan officer’s desk, whose name plaque declared her to be Ms. Patricia Whack.

Being a well-brought-up pug, he said “Ms. Whack. I would like to introduce myself. I am Goblin Jagger, and my father is Mick Jagger. We are family friends of the bank manager here. I have come to take out a loan. I want to open up a pizza delivery place. As I will be giving the phone number to every pug I know, it ought to be a huge success.”

Ms. Whack was startled. A talking pug? A pug asking for a loan? But she kept her expression friendly and asked him “How much would you like to borrow?”

“$50,000” said the pug.

Still more startled, she said “But that is a lot of money! Do you have collateral for a loan that large?”

“Certainly,” said Goblin. And he held up a tiny porcelain pug. It was one inch tall, exquisitely formed, and said “Made in Italy” on the bottom.

Ms. Whack thought this was nuts. But she politely excused herself from the room, saying that she would have to take the porcelain pug to the manager for approval. “By all means”, said Goblin affably.

Ms. Whack walked into the manager’s office and declared: “Mr. Big! There is a talking pug in the bank who says he knows you and wants to borrow $50,000 for a pizza place! And he brought THIS for collateral! What do you make of it?”

The bank manager replied,
“Oh, it’s a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the pug a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

 

[NW-Bound]

An elderly lady went to see her doctor about her ailment. She told her doctor,

"I have this digestive problem. I pass a lot of gas. Thank goodness, I do not make noise and it does not smell. Else, it would be terribly embarrassing. Can you even tell I am doing it now?".​

The doctor listened quietly, then handed her a prescription. He said

"Take this and come back to see me in a month."​

After just a couple of weeks, the lady was already back at the doctor's office, and visibly upset. She said,

"I don't know what you gave me, but I am still passing gas, and now it makes noise. I am now afraid to go out in public, even though it does not smell. If this is not malpractice, I don't know what is".
​

The doctor sighed.

"M'am, what I gave you did not improve the digestive system as I hoped, but it did improve your hearing. Today, I will give you something else for the gas, but also another medicine to improve your sense of smell."
​

 

[Revlefty]

Thought for the day: the family that sticks together probably should bathe more often.


Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum

 

[mickeyd]

How Many Church Members To Change a Light Bulb?


CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.

BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

AMISH: What's a light bulb?

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: None. The lights are on, but no one's home.

MORMONS: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

 

[REWahoo]

Random thoughts...


1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. If I change my car horn to a gunshot sound, do you think people would move out of my way much faster?

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by looking at her hands....if she's holding a gun, she's probably upset.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their Fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today - that makes over 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. To all the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid, but Politicians seem to be abusing that privilege.

 

[TromboneAl]

Three old ladies were reminiscing in the nursing home. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocer's and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.

The third old lady said, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

 

[zedd]

You guys may be onto something. At least in my line of work (cartooning), you may have initiated something. Some of the previous material here can be used and re-spun into good material for my online catalogs. Thanks and keep it coming....I enjoy this stuff.

Uhm, I can overlook the shameless self-promotion. But trouncing The Donald is going too far.

 

[danno1]

I guess you're right zedd.....continue with your discussion!

 

[frayne]

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the
word "Washington" from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as
"The Redskins"

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership,
mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.

 

[Mulligan]

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the
word "Washington" from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as
"The Redskins"

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership,
mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.

Things have gotten so "politically correct" in the past 10 years, I have lost half my vocabulary from my youth. I barely have enough words left to form a complete sentence.

 

[Nemo2]

Things have gotten so "politically correct" in the past 10 years, I have lost half my vocabulary from my youth. I barely have enough words left to form a complete sentence.

That made me laugh like a..........no, I can't say that (anymore).

 

[Mulligan]

That made me laugh like a..........no, I can't say that (anymore).

Nemo, I have been told a couple times in recent years from "redfaced chuckling" friends that "that word isnt used anymore". Oh well, live and learn.

 

[Nemo2]

Oh well, live and learn.

I've, thus far, managed the 'live' part, but the 'learn' is a whole 'nother matter.

 

[HFWR]

I can speak entire paragraphs using only "colorful metaphors".

Probably not PC...