It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Wisdom from a Retiree <not me> :

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
 
The following joke was approved by Freebird

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
Seven types of sex

Results of a recent study shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex any where, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in thehallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you can no longer stand your spouse. You go to court and get screwed in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.
 
Garden Advice for those of you with a snail investation.

Researchers believe that most snails die in the late afternoon, which is why the garden savey pick up the dead snails in the sunset.
 
Living Will

Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an @ss.....
 
I´m terrible at telling jokes, and, to compound the issue, this is not my native language.. Anyway, it goes something like this:
A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I f···· when you have a headache"
The wife replies "if you weren´t such an as···· you would notice that it is a goat"
The husband smiling says "if you weren´t such an as.... you would realise that I was talking to the goat"
 
bbbamI said:
Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

He got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such an @ss.....
Click to expand...

:ROFLMAO::LOL:
 
vicente solano said:
I´m terrible at telling jokes, and, to compound the issue, this is not my native language.. Anyway, it goes something like this:
A man carrying a goat in his arms enters the bedroom where his wife is in bed reading, and he says "See darling- this is the cow that I f···· when you have a headache"
The wife replies "if you weren´t such an as···· you would notice that it is a goat"
The husband smiling says "if you weren´t such an as.... you would realise that I was talking to the goat"
Click to expand...

For a guy whose native tongue is not English, you tell a very funny joke. Can't wait to read more.

Sam
 
Sam said:
For a guy whose native tongue is not English, you tell a very funny joke. Can't wait to read more.

Sam
Click to expand...
I wish I had more jokes like that one! But don´t worry, if I come by any good joke I´ll pass it on. Some would be off colour-those I´ll PM!
 
A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on who's language was the more beautiful of the two.

As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.

The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:

Island, island,
Grassy island,
Grassy island's bride.

The Finn answered first. His translation was:

Saari, saari,
Heinäsaari,
Heinäsaaren morsian.

Then came the Swede:

Ö, ö,
Hö ö,
Hö ös mö.
 
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu -

ignore it.

It's just Spam.
 
Got this from a buddy of mine...he's sooo caring...:rolleyes:



My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God the dogs weren't with her.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.











She was damn lucky........
 
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