More arguing after ER?

[audreyh1]

My ad thinks I want to buy a 2014 Infiniti QX60.

Obviously these ads are personalized!

 

[InParadise]

Dan Hicks and his Hot licks-How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away - YouTube

Brewer - Thanks for starting the thread. I am concerned about exactly what you are experiencing. My wife and I retiring together is going to be like throwing a couple of squirrels into a blender. Somebody is going to loose some fur.

Got my theme song already picked out....

Ahhhh, my brother had an album of his when I was a kid! I remember this song fondly as well as one, IIRC, Swimming Down the River.

 

[kgtest]

So it appears you need to make some room for your retirement. One of those buckets needs to be emptied.

 

[Ready]

Let's not hijack this thread any further. I call a cease fire but I have to say I don't appreciate your condescension to other parents. They are smart enough to make their own decisions and to accept or reject what I said. The last time I checked I was free to have an opinion on what I feel including about the psychobable industry. I did not anticipate I would be picking a fight with you when I posted my opinion.

Yes, this is getting off topic. But it's an important subject, and one that I can assure you I have plenty of training in dealing with. And while I don't normally inject myself into these squabbles, I feel the need to do so here. So here are the facts, which are well established within the guidlines of the mental health community:

If a child is not suicidal, asking them if they have ever contemplated suicide will NOT put any ideas in their head. Period.

Many children keep their feelings deeply hidden and would NEVER admit to having thoughts of suicide. Yet when asked directly if they have thought about it, they will admit to having had them. Hearing confirmation allows parents or friends to help them talk about it and refer them to the therapy they need.

And while on the topic, the rate of teen suicide among gay teens is abnormally high, because too many people are afraid to ask them if they have ever thought about suicide. So if you think there is even a remote possibility, always ask. Period.

And finally, my experience is that those who speak out aggressively about how worthless counseling is are the most likely to benefit from it.

 

[InParadise]

Let's not hijack this thread any further. I call a cease fire but I have to say I don't appreciate your condescension to other parents. They are smart enough to make their own decisions and to accept or reject what I said. The last time I checked I was free to have an opinion on what I feel including about the psychobable industry. I did not anticipate I would be picking a fight with you when I posted my opinion.

Yup, you are free to have an opinion and I am free to refute it. At least this way both POVs are out there. So sorry you don't like to be challenged, but that is what happens when you put your POV out there. The supposed "condensation" is purely in your imagination.

You simply don't know what you don't know. Sometimes you don't even know what questions to ask. Perhaps this "debate" between us will provide some questions. (Generic "you", not you in particular.)

 

[InParadise]

Yes, this is getting off topic. But it's an important subject, and one that I can assure you I have plenty of training in dealing with. And while I don't normally inject myself into these squabbles, I feel the need to do so here. So here are the facts, which are well established within the guidlines of the mental health community:

If a child is not suicidal, asking them if they have ever contemplated suicide will NOT put any ideas in their head. Period.

Many children keep their feelings deeply hidden and would NEVER admit to having thoughts of suicide. Yet when asked directly if they have thought about it, they will admit to having had them. Hearing confirmation allows parents or friends to help them talk about it and refer them to the therapy they need.

And while on the topic, the rate of teen suicide among gay teens is abnormally high, because too many people are afraid to ask them if they have ever thought about suicide. So if you think there is even a remote possibility, always ask. Period.

And finally, my experience is that those who speak out aggressively about how worthless counseling is are the most likely to benefit from it.

Heh, I think by this time in a thread it tends to veer off the original topic.

It's kind of ironic, because we thought to ask first if he thought he was gay, assuring him we could care less, rather than think that he thought to commit suicide. It was honestly a bit of a shock therapy...if he wasn't gay, if he wasn't dealing drugs or taking them, then what could be so bad to talk to us about. Oops. Not sure who got shocked by that therapy! Bet DH wished he was already retired that day. Had to be a bitch of a day at work!

 

[Ready]

Heh, I think by this time in a thread it tends to veer off the original topic.

It's kind of ironic, because we thought to ask first if he thought he was gay, assuring him we could care less, rather than think that he thought to commit suicide. It was honestly a bit of a shock therapy...if he wasn't gay, if he wasn't dealing drugs or taking them, then what could be so bad to talk to us about. Oops. Not sure who got shocked by that therapy! Bet DH wished he was already retired that day. Had to be a bitch of a day at work!

I'm not really sure how we got on this topic from discussing Brewer's arguing with his wife. But in any case, it sounds like they made up for now, so I guess we just found something else to keep us busy.

And BTW, if a child is not gay, asking him if he is will not make him gay. And if he is, all the therapy in the world is not going to make him straight.

I'm just saying.

I hope Brewer is learning from all this!

 

[calmloki]

What! Brewer's gay?!

Sorry brew - saw the shot and i took it...

comprehensive reading skills - not my forte.

 

[Rustward]

Just answering your original question. No, we did not argue more. I "got retired" almost six years ago, and DW stuck with it until the end of 2012. Arguments are pretty rare here (virtually non-existent).

I was sometimes difficult to live with when w*rking, probably due to w*rk induced stress.

When DW retired, there was a small adjustment period, but for us it was not too big a deal.

Hope the two of you can work through this. From one of your recent posts, it seems that you might already have made some progress.

 

[kcowan]

The real question is, when it comes to relationships, do you really want help, or are you just interested in avoiding the issue?

Bingo. A sympathetic set of ears and please don't suggest solutions.

 

[redduck]

Let's not hijack this thread any further. I call a cease fire but I have to say I don't appreciate your condescension to other parents. They are smart enough to make their own decisions and to accept or reject what I said. The last time I checked I was free to have an opinion on what I feel including about the psychobable industry. I did not anticipate I would be picking a fight with you when I posted my opinion.

From your post, it sounds like you want to get the last few shots in before calling for the cease-fire.

 

[redduck]

I am a month and a half into being job free, but spousal arguments have definitely been more frequent since the separation. Anyone else trod a similar path, or am I just lucky?

Back to Brewer:
Glad things have settled down.
I am two months into being 80% retired. I am at home a whole lot more. Duchess of redduck is retired, therefore we see a bunch more of each other. She enjoys interacting and I prefer to being left alone to brood and have great thoughts (so far I've mastered one out of two). Anyhow, we are looking to find where the rather flexible boundaries are--and we are trying to make it a sort of a fun/interesting process. Not to use psychobabble (I will anyway), but we see this new situation as a learning experience. So, yes, there are a few more irritable moments than in the past, but that is understandable. When these moments do occur, I have the eerie feeling that I am the one mostly in the wrong.

 

[HFWR]

Anyone else getting licensed social workers ads showing up in the paid ads at the top of this thread? Man, its amazing how the internet tracks everything now.

There are ads?

One day on Facebook, these were the three "suggested" pages I might "like":

1. God
2. Weeds (the tv show)
3. Merle Haggard

Had to chuckle at this particular combo. Plus, I didn't know God was on Facebook. Must be more careful about what I post...

 

[Mulligan]

Bingo. A sympathetic set of ears and please don't suggest solutions.

Did that get me in a lot of trouble with women at work. With me being the boss, they come in with their complaints, so I go about fixing the problem. Then they would come back upset with me because I fixed or attempted to fix the problem. Seems all they wanted to do was just come in to vent. Well, tell me that before!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Did that get me in a lot of trouble with women at work. With me being the boss, they come in with their complaints, so I go about fixing the problem. Then they would come back upset with me because I fixed or attempted to fix the problem. Seems all they wanted to do was just come in to vent. Well, tell me that before!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

That common male to female communication issue is actually covered in the Gottman materials. Women are more likely to want a sympathetic ear when men tend to be more problem solvers.

 

[jollystomper]

As a general question (not just for the OP) how much of post-retirement arguing is due to the size of the shared living space?

While I am not yet retired DW and I don't see arguing as an issue, since we have both shared and individual interests both inside and outside of the house, and we balance our shared and individual time.

We have three finished levels on an acre of land, and there are days when, unless we make an effort to see each other, we might not know the other is home. No kids at home at the moment, so nothing gets real messy. We agree on "his" "hers" and "ours" zones inside and outside the house, with the simple rule to keep the "ours" zones neat and clean but let whatever want happen in our zones. Even in our shared ares we can be working on different activities and may not talk to each other for hours, but are just happy for the others' presence.

We don't see each other having increasing conflicts, but then we have a big enough house where we are not "forced" into each others presence all the time. While we do consider downsizing, I'm wondering if that may lead to more arguments because we won't have as much living space.

 

[Meadbh]

And, in other news, it appears that being angry is really bad for you:

Seeing red? Angry outbursts increase your risk of heart attack: study - National | Globalnews.ca

 

[Sarah in SC]

That common male to female communication issue is actually covered in the Gottman materials. Women are more likely to want a sympathetic ear when men tend to be more problem solvers.

But woe be to us ladies who are the problem solvers, when faced with venting men (or women)! Nothing more puzzling!

 

[daylatedollarshort]

But woe be to us ladies who are the problem solvers, when faced with venting men (or women)! Nothing more puzzling!

Yeah, they make the point it isn't an absolute trait of either sex, but statistically women tend to want to be listened to while men jump into giving advice, sometimes which starts out as "let me tell you what you are doing wrong currently...."

This never ends well.

This boyfriend in The Onion article below wisely and uncomfortably seems to have risen above his innate desire to give unsolicited advice and just become a sympathetic listener:

Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[SarahW]

As a general question (not just for the OP) how much of post-retirement arguing is due to the size of the shared living space?

While I am not yet retired DW and I don't see arguing as an issue, since we have both shared and individual interests both inside and outside of the house, and we balance our shared and individual time.

We have three finished levels on an acre of land, and there are days when, unless we make an effort to see each other, we might not know the other is home. No kids at home at the moment, so nothing gets real messy. We agree on "his" "hers" and "ours" zones inside and outside the house, with the simple rule to keep the "ours" zones neat and clean but let whatever want happen in our zones. Even in our shared ares we can be working on different activities and may not talk to each other for hours, but are just happy for the others' presence.

We don't see each other having increasing conflicts, but then we have a big enough house where we are not "forced" into each others presence all the time. While we do consider downsizing, I'm wondering if that may lead to more arguments because we won't have as much living space.

Bingo! My "spot" is usually upstairs and he's downstairs in the den. (Of course, he isn't retired yet so we'll see when the yelling starts in a couple of years. ) We have always been pretty good at "co-existing" because we know when to leave each other alone.

In Brewer's case, he has a young family so there are more issues involved than for those of us whose children are grown and gone. I can remember feeling a lot of resentment if I felt the "workload" was unbalanced when our children were younger.

 

[Walt34]

Women are more likely to want a sympathetic ear when men tend to be more problem solvers.

It took a couple of years for that to sink in for me with DW. She had to spell it out in short sentences using one syllable words but I finally got the message.

While I know what to do, I still don't understand the why. If it doesn't fix the problem what good does it do? Yes, I understand that it makes her feel better, but it still doesn't fix the underlying problem.

That is a very difficult thing for a guy to understand.

 

[H2ODude]

And, in other news, it appears that being angry is really bad for you:

Seeing red? Angry outbursts increase your risk of heart attack: study - National | Globalnews.ca

Which tells me retirement was a very healthful thing for me! Last few years I was pissed a lot of the time. Used to sheepishly come out of office and apologize to some of the ladies who I knew had heard me spouting off complete with F bombs. I think they appreciated it but thought it was all quite humorous; I got along well with folks in immediate proximity thankfully. If not they could have taped one of my tirades, taken it to HR, and had me gone! I do miss some of the people...sniff....BUT NOT ALL!

 

[Tailgate]

Mars Venus thing explained for those with a sense of humor..

It's Not About The Nail - YouTube

 

[Ally]

I anticipate this happening when we retire in the next year or two. It happened a little when both children left home. We both like to be alone for periods of time and if we are both home in each other's business, I can see this happening. But I think we would both agree that it would still be better than working.

 

[Hermit]

It took a couple of years for that to sink in for me with DW. She had to spell it out in short sentences using one syllable words but I finally got the message.

While I know what to do, I still don't understand the why. If it doesn't fix the problem what good does it do? Yes, I understand that it makes her feel better, but it still doesn't fix the underlying problem.

That is a very difficult thing for a guy to understand.

Sorry, that just tickled my funny bone. I must have spent several thousand dollars trying to figure this stuff out. Don't think it ever happened. Every few years I needed to take a "refresher". Most times were pretty good. We pretty much stopped fighting when the kids were about 7 & 8. Sure do miss that lady. She has been gone going on 5 years.