More arguing after ER?

[FUEGO]

Brewer, I was curious how your ER was going. This sucks man! Sorry to hear there are adjustment issues in your household.

Can you take up drinking? Or other things that are legal in CO and tend to make one more mellow? 25% serious and 75% kidding, since you don't want to acquire a dependency.

If this is something that is adversely impacting your quality of life, I'd say figure it out.

My wife is still working, so we haven't had any adjustment issues so far. I do worry once she goes ER full time what it's going to be like. I always rib her about her comment she made one rainy day. "I'm bored, entertain me". As if that's my sole responsibility! My concern is that my "me time" might get cut pretty short if I'm in charge of her entertainment.

She still gets stressed from work occasionally, but at least I have time and mental energy to listen.

As for arguing, focus on what you are trying to achieve. That sounds stupid, but sometimes it's best to step back from the conversation and have a meta-conversation about what you're discussing or how you will discuss it. That does 2 things: identifies your communication isn't working, and provides a better method of working things out.

For example, when I think my wife's idea is dumb, sometimes I'll get pissy and instead of devoting mental energy to asking questions like "what's your motivation here?" or "what do you mean by that?" or "can you explain that?" I just get grouchy and fire off a zinger. That latter method of handling my side of the discussion usually sucks (in hindsight).

 

[Throwdownmyaceinthehole]

I just spent a week on vacation with two other retired couples. Noticed a lot of the fighting, usually the wife yelling at the hubs, was due to actual hearing problems, not intentional hearing problems. Just a lot of frustration having to repeat over and over

 

[Amethyst]

Why does it have to be one or the other? I see no reason why a man or woman can't be an empathetic problem solver.

Yeah, they make the point it isn't an absolute trait of either sex, but statistically women tend to want to be listened to while men jump into giving advice, sometimes which starts out as "let me tell you what you are doing wrong currently...."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/boyfriend-forced-to-express-secondhand-outrage,31520/

 

[Htown Harry]

Yeah, they make the point it isn't an absolute trait of either sex, but statistically women tend to want to be listened to while men jump into giving advice, sometimes which starts out as "let me tell you what you are doing wrong currently...."

This never ends well.

This boyfriend in The Onion article below wisely and uncomfortably seems to have risen above his innate desire to give unsolicited advice and just become a sympathetic listener:

Boyfriend Forced To Express Secondhand Outrage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Why does it have to be one or the other? I see no reason why a man or woman can't be an empathetic problem solver.

I agree, Amethyst. Meeting in the middle on the empathy / problem solver scale is something that members of either sex can aspire to.

According to my sources at the Onion, there is evidence that men and women value both traits without realizing it:

Friend Attempting To Provide Comfort Has No Clue What The **** She’s Talking About | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Individuals Unaware They Constitute Area Man’s Support Network | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[sheehs1]

But woe be to us ladies who are the problem solvers, when faced with venting men (or women)! Nothing more puzzling!

+1. There are some of us out here.

 

[audreyh1]

+1. There are some of us out here.

I wonder if it's us ladies on the FIRE forum?

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Why does it have to be one or the other? I see no reason why a man or woman can't be an empathetic problem solver.

I am not the one saying it has to be one way or the other or that people can't change.

I'm just relaying what was in the Gottman findings from their research on marriage. The Gottman research on marriage shows men and women each tend to have certain behavior patterns more common to one sex than the other.

The whole point of the Gottman training is to change your pattern of behaviors to ones that are more common in stellar marriages than in ones heading for divorce, including learning to be an empathetic listener when a spouse just needs to vent.

 

[Gumby]

I wonder if it's us ladies on the FIRE forum?

To which I say -- Right On! and have at it. I don't care who fixes the problem, so long as it gets fixed.

 

[scrinch]

Why does it have to be one or the other? I see no reason why a man or woman can't be an empathetic problem solver.

Come on. He's just trying to express the way he sees it, and there you go trying to invalidate his point of view and forcing your perspective on him. (At least this is how the conversation goes at my house when I've stepped in the "fix-it" goo again).

 

[Ginny]

Do not threaten suicide when you are a gun owner, which I am.
Get yourself a better attitude or leave if you must.

 

[34rlsa]

If I wasn't already married to the most spectacular woman in the world... this thread would have convinced me to never get married.

 

[Indigo Mule]

Suicide? I thought he was threatening murder.

 

[jayc]

And finally, my experience is that those who speak out aggressively about how worthless counseling is are the most likely to benefit from it.

I often think the same could be said if you replace the word 'counseling' with 'Financial Advisor'. But then again if you are going to throw the blanket in the air it might as well cover everyone when it lands.

 

[eytonxav]

To which I say -- Right On! and have at it. I don't care who fixes the problem, so long as it gets fixed.

This is the right executive management perspective!

 

[mystang52]

Wow this thread is on fire (no pun intended). When I started reading this I think there were 7 pages, and here I am replying on page 9. Brewer's issue has seemingly resolved. But one takeaway from this, for those about to retire, is to make sure spouse is on board with the ER plan.
My DW is still happily w*rking as a teacher. We had many discussions before my ER, and she was consistently supportive of it. That did not change when I pulled the plug, and we have probably argued less since my ER, One thing I did, in the first month or so of my ER: I made it a point to not being home at 3:30 PM, when she came home from school. I just didn't want to risk her seeing me "doing nothing" as she walked in the door. It was an unecessary precaution, as it turned out, but better safe than sorry.

 

[Redbugdave]

Aw...Brewer was just blowing off some steam. I understand about that. But it does keep the retirees occupied...