My Father's Eyes

[Texas Proud]

My dad died when I was in my early 20s.... I doubt that he ever saw me as an adult and there would be no way he saw me as an 'equal'....


There is no 'moment' that occured with my mom... just happened over time...

Now, my oldest sister had a hard moment... she is 16 years older than me and used to love calling me her little baby brother.... I had heard it for so many years I never even thought about it... but when I was about 24 or 25 her new husband said to her one time when she told someone 'He is a MAN, stop calling him a baby'... she thought about it and stopped...

 

[Texas Proud]

Yes, I'll read it, I promise.

I've been lurking for a long, long time and decided to join so I could defend myself from these unending attacks on my character.

Mister Dude, I don't know what I may have done in the past to offend you and cause you to have such a low opinion of me. I'm tired of all the bashing and bad mouthing and will no longer remain silent while you sully my good name.

Enough already!

 

[HFWR]

Yes, I'll read it, I promise. Maybe that will provide some sort of clue as to why you treat me the way you do.

I've been lurking for a long, long time and decided to join so I could defend myself from these unending attacks on my character.

Mister Dude, I don't know what I may have done in the past to offend you and cause you to have such a low opinion of me. I'm tired of all the bashing and bad mouthing and will no longer remain silent while you sully my good name.

Enough already!

Is that you, Pete?

 

[MichaelB]

Yes, I'll read it, I promise. Maybe that will provide some sort of clue as to why you treat me the way you do.

I've been lurking for a long, long time and decided to join so I could defend myself from these unending attacks on my character.

Mister Dude, I don't know what I may have done in the past to offend you and cause you to have such a low opinion of me. I'm tired of all the bashing and bad mouthing and will no longer remain silent while you sully my good name.

Enough already!

Hi noone, welcome to the forum. Please introduce your self over here Hi, I am... - Early Retirement & Financial Independence Community And if you don't mind my asking, just how do you pronounce your name?

 

[HFWR]

And if you don't mind my asking, just how do you pronounce your name?

Noone knows...

 

[Bestwifeever]

Noone knows how to pronounce noone's name.

 

[noone]

... just how do you pronounce your name?

Noone knows...

Yes I do and if I told you neither you nor anyone else would believe me. Noone of you.

 

[scrabbler1]

Late to this dance, but I found it an interesting read.

With my mom (deceased since 1995 when I was 32), she pretty much saw me as an adult pretty quickly and without much fanfare although there were a few moments.

With my dad, his seeing me as an adult had a few memorable and watershed events, at least to me.

The first was shortly after I went away to college and would come back home on some weekends. He actually "missed" me which surprised me because our relationship was lukewarm in my teenaged years.

The next was after my sophomore year of college, after I had made the Dean's List for the first time. A simple act, he invited me to go out for some ice cream with him, something he had NEVER done. Even today, 28 years later, it still stuns me even though we go out to eat pretty routinely, including last night.

The next time was after I got my first job, playing with numbers (actuarial). Being an introvert who sat in my room playing with numbers (Strat-o-Matic sports) a lot, now getting paid to sit at a desk and play with numbers kinda surprised him. Eight years later, I was making as much as he was.

The next time was when I had a chance to cook for them one of our family's favorite foods (breaded chicken cutlets) my mom taught me how to prepare. My mom and my dad told me separately that I made them better than she did!

The next time was when my mom was receiving treatment for her cancer and the two of them were away from home for a month or two at time, leaving me to make sure the house was okay and the bills got paid. They both told me it was comforting to know that everything would be okay at home when they returned (except I forgot to water the plants). I was 28 at the time.

 

[haha]

Good family Scrabbler. It is so hard for parents to see their actions through the next gernations eyes. I wonder if that that ice cream invitation even made your Dad's radar?

I am always trying to switch places with others mentally so I can better see my blind spots.

Ha

 

[devans0]

Three selves, how others (parents) see us, how we see ourselves, and supposedly how we are, somewhere in the middle.

Noone has it completely right, tho.

 

[Moemg]

My Dad died when I was thirty three but there were a few times when I remember seeing how proud my Dad was of me . He never really said much but when I was away at school he would write me notes and slip in a few extra dollars . I remember the look on his face when I got my Nurse's cap. It was pure love . I had the World's greatest Dad .

 

[citrine]

It's been a long hard road for me....but I guess it was when I stopped seeing/talking to both of them for two years. I had to come to terms with how they treated me when I was a kid and once I was able to forgive them, I was able to see them as people who did the best they could at that time.
I have a relationship with them now, they tend to forget I am an adult sometimes, but I set my boundaries asap and they back down. I feel like I am parenting them sometimes!

 

[simple girl]

My mother - well, I was always her "baby", but I didn't mind! Truly, though, she treated me as an adult after I got out on my own and was married, etc. She never stopped worrying about me though, which is something you don't really appreciate until you don't have it!

My dad - after I broke off all communication with him for over a year and made it clear when I did re-initiate talks that I would not tolerate any guilt trips or degradation of my character. He knew then that if he stepped over the line I'd break all ties again. Gradually, over the years that followed, I could tell he felt sorry for his behavior in his younger days - but he never did come right out and apologize. Still, we reconciled enough to have a nice relationship for the last 15 or so years of his life.

 

[haha]

Gradually, over the years that followed, I could tell he felt sorry for his behavior in his younger days - but he never did come right out and apologize.

I'm glad you experienced this reconciliation. But his attitude is so common, and illustrates an odd thing to me. Many parents still think they are permanently superiors to their children, long after their children are fully mature.

This is truly crazy, as the children usually are able to perform considerably better than the parent, have more modern attitudes, and in general are less idiotic.

Ha

 

[tightasadrum]

Dad always stayed on my case about stuff well into my fifties. He was always telling me what I needed to do just like he did before I left for college. I always tried to explain why I made certain financial decisions, but nothing settled his mind. I explained that I had been socking away money in a 401K for over twenty years at a rate exceeding 15% , and I had been acquiring rental property for almost as long. But the unsolicited fatherly advice never stopped, until...
One day he and I were alone at Pizza Hut. Up until then I had never given him many details about how much these assets were worth. He came straight out and asked me how much real estate equity I owned. I hesitated for a moment while I mentally added it up and decided whether to give him the number. I told him it was in the seven figures. Then I asked him about HIS net worth. He wouldn't say, but that wasn't surprising. That was the poker game he always played with everyone.
But here is what's interesting. I never got any of those questions again. I guess he was finally satisfied that his fathering was over.

 

[frayne]

Had a falling out with the old man when I was 18 and haven't seen him since, that was 42 years ago. Long story not worth going into but I do wish him well.

 

[Aiming_4_55]

Dad passed away at 48, but he was on home bed rest for 2 1/2 years. I was in high school and worked full time overnights to help with expenses, attended full time high school during the day, and provided care in the afternoon. Dad passed just before high school graduation.

Mom viewed me as the younger son, thus I didn't know anything. After running away from reality (went away for college). After graduation and first year of work, I had money for a down payment and built her first house that also provided some rental income. At this time, she viewed me as an adult at age 22.

 

[haha]

Dad always stayed on my case about stuff well into my fifties. He was always telling me what I needed to do just like he did before I left for college. I always tried to explain why I made certain financial decisions, but nothing settled his mind. I explained that I had been socking away money in a 401K for over twenty years at a rate exceeding 15% , and I had been acquiring rental property for almost as long. But the unsolicited fatherly advice never stopped, until...
One day he and I were alone at Pizza Hut. Up until then I had never given him many details about how much these assets were worth. He came straight out and asked me how much real estate equity I owned. I hesitated for a moment while I mentally added it up and decided whether to give him the number. I told him it was in the seven figures. Then I asked him about HIS net worth. He wouldn't say, but that wasn't surprising. That was the poker game he always played with everyone.
But here is what's interesting. I never got any of those questions again. I guess he was finally satisfied that his fathering was over.

Did he ask you to share any advice with him?

 

[tightasadrum]

Well HaHa, he often asked for advice on engineering matters involving projects or problems. But I never once recall that he asked for any advice or recommendations on financial matters. I guess that says something about what he thought of my financial expertise. Maybe he was smarter than I thought.

 

[Brat]

The comments here make me think about how I regard my own children who are adults. I respect them as adults, don't second guess their decisions although I may offer information that they might not have considered. As their mother I would lay my life on the line for them in a nanosecond.

However, it is difficlut to remember not to use the nicknames they and their friends had in childhood.

 

[obgyn65]

So did I.

I had the World's greatest Dad .