New girlfriend dilemma

[Space Mountain]

Hi everybody:

Was hoping to gain some feedback regarding my new girlfriend's ex-husband. For the record, she asked me to assist her by visiting my sound, grounded, down to earth FIRE family.

Ok, here goes:

By the way, we have agreed marriage is NOT an option for us. We enjoy our companionship, however. Been together 13 months.

GF has 3 daughters. Her ex-husband owes her roughly 80K in back child support and alimony. They've been divorced 15 years or so. He does make minimum monthly payments roughly on time to avoid jail.

GF had 1 divorce attorney previously who could not do much for her in terms of back payments. GF is reluctant to retain another attorney fearing the same result.

Her ex has a small construction company and has recently claimed bankruptcy. However, he frequents casinos regularly resulting in high player status. We believe he's obviously hiding money. Matter of fact, just 2 days ago, he asked his daughter, who works at a bank, to open up an account for him.........in HER name!!! She refused, of course.

Overall, the ex is a pompous, obnoxious loser who manages to stay ahead of the game when the judge meets with him every couple of years when asked why he hasn't made a dent in his payments.

Personally, I have never met the man but feel quite sorry for my GF. She is a genuine sweetheart who works at a non-profit organization and is barely getting by.

Hopefully, I provided enough background to generate some discussion??

Thanks again.

 

[haha]

Hi everybody:

Was hoping to gain some feedback regarding my new girlfriend's ex-husband. For the record, she asked me to assist her by visiting my sound, grounded, down to earth FIRE family.

Ok, here goes:

By the way, we have agreed marriage is NOT an option for us. We enjoy our companionship, however. Been together 13 months.

GF has 3 daughters. Her ex-husband owes her roughly 80K in back child support and alimony. They've been divorced 15 years or so. He does make minimum monthly payments roughly on time to avoid jail.

GF had 1 divorce attorney previously who could not do much for her in terms of back payments. GF is reluctant to retain another attorney fearing the same result.

Her ex has a small construction company and has recently claimed bankruptcy. However, he frequents casinos regularly resulting in high player status. We believe he's obviously hiding money. Matter of fact, just 2 days ago, he asked his daughter, who works at a bank, to open up an account for him.........in HER name!!! She refused, of course.

Overall, the ex is a pompous, obnoxious loser who manages to stay ahead of the game when the judge meets with him every couple of years when asked why he hasn't made a dent in his payments.

Personally, I have never met the man but feel quite sorry for my GF. She is a genuine sweetheart who works at a non-profit organization and is barely getting by.

Hopefully, I provided enough background to generate some discussion??

Thanks again.

Stay as far from this thing as you can. This is something that she should handle herself.

Ha

 

[W2R]

Good heavens, they've been divorced for FIFTEEN years and she has been getting money from him most of this time, and yet despite all the time to get her life together and despite all the money he has given her, she is still just "barely getting by"?


I don't know what to say. I would just leave it alone, if I were you.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Matter of fact, just 2 days ago, he asked his daughter, who works at a bank, to open up an account for him.........in HER name!!! She refused, of course.

The husband of divorcing friends asked me to help him hide money from his wife - someone I've been friends with for over a decade.

Then later on my friend told me how despite their differences, the one thing she knew for sure was that her soon to be ex would never hide money from her!

At least your GF is wise to the situation.

 

[frayne]

Send her to a competent attorney, even at that if her ex is a savvy as you say, probably won't make much difference. Just my two cents and YMMV.

 

[Amethyst]

I didn't realize "minimum payments" were even an option. How does that work - is there a lien on his estate for the balance, payable on death?

Amethyst

He does make minimum monthly payments roughly on time to avoid jail.

 

[Walt34]

This is a minefield. I second the idea of sending her to a competent attorney and I'd stay out of it.

You might want to discuss with an attorney yourself what the possible pitfalls of the situation are for you. If, for example, she moves in with you, in some states you may find that you just got married!

And definitely would not commingle finances.

 

[ShortInSeattle]

Agree with the advice about leaving this to an attorney and not getting entangled in the ex-situation.

If all she needs to sway the judge is evidence that he gambles it away, some photos taken by a PI and the testimony of the daughter about the bank account might help. But an attorney could tell her for sure.

Unless he is hiding his income somehow (paid under the table) the situation doesn't seem to add up. Of he is making mandated minimum payments, he may be fulfilling his obligation in the eyes of the law.

Good luck.

 

[haha]

And definitely would not commingle finances.

I suppose this poor guy may have a lifetime sentence to pay alimony, but child support eventually runs out, unless....

Ha

 

[aja8888]

She needs to hire a PI and build a case on him, then get him into court.

If he is doing construction jobs and accepting cash, which he may be hiding from the bankruptcy proceedings, he may be in a bigger mess than just owing back alimony/child support.

If he were in Texas, he wouldn't have a driver's license at a minimum for being behind.

I feel sorry for the daughters as they are the big losers in this mess.

 

[Lsbcal]

...(snip)...
Personally, I have never met the man but feel quite sorry for my GF. She is a genuine sweetheart who works at a non-profit organization and is barely getting by.
...

Maybe you could help by encouraging her to look into a better paying job. She can avoid being a victim by smart planning and being proactive. Perhaps she can get training or education to improve her job prospects. Sometimes people need to talk about smart moves and help with long term planning before actually taking action.

 

[galeno]

I would hate to be unattached at my age. My "dating skills" are 1980s. I wouldn't even know how to start.

 

[Space Mountain]

This is a minefield. I second the idea of sending her to a competent attorney and I'd stay out of it.

You might want to discuss with an attorney yourself what the possible pitfalls of the situation are for you. If, for example, she moves in with you, in some states you may find that you just got married!

And definitely would not commingle finances.

Walt, I would never commingle finances. Also, if she were to remarry or move in with someone, the payments would stop. (Per her divorce agreement) Again, not happening with me. Already was discussed at the outset of our relationship. Oh, and she's too old to have children.

 

[Chuckanut]

If he is holding back income, she can contact the IRS if she has some information. I believe she would get a percent of whatever they get.

 

[aja8888]

I would hate to be unattached at my age. My "dating skills" are 1980s. I wouldn't even know how to start.

Match.com....

 

[haha]

This thread is mystifying. Say you are without steady female friendship and you are looking. So you look on a dating site, and you read the cv of someone like the woman being featured here. Would you seek her out, or head in the other dierection?

 

[Space Mountain]

Thanks everybody for your responses. Yes, I am reluctant to get too involved. Unfortunately, it pains me to see someone get stepped on who I care about. Furthermore, out of principle, I don't feel I should be the one footing the bill for her attorney fees. (She doesn't know this nor would she expect me to pony up.......I hope)

 

[rodi]

There are ways of garnishing wages - but since he's self employed, that becomes harder. But she can garnish tax refunds.

We had a dispute with a contractor in the past. It's amazing how loose the books can be. Lots of opportunity to show profit or loss, depending on what/how you report it. So I'm not surprised he has money to gamble while simultaneously being so broke he has to file bankruptcy.

Is the bankruptcy personal or corporate? Can she be listed as a creditor on the bankruptcy?

I agree with the advice to get a competent attorney.

I also agree with the suggestion that she look to her own financial success through her own work/savings rather than counting on the ex... if he's dodged his responsibilites for 15 years, he'll probably continue to do so?

 

[Calico]

Thanks everybody for your responses. Yes, I am reluctant to get too involved. Unfortunately, it pains me to see someone get stepped on who I care about. Furthermore, out of principle, I don't feel I should be the one footing the bill for her attorney fees. (She doesn't know this nor would she expect me to pony up.......I hope)

As some other posters have pointed out, this is a potential (financial) minefield for you.

IMHO, you don't have any responsibility to pay her attorney fees.

If she has been dealing (or perhaps not dealing?) with this situation for 15 years, she may be looking to you to bail her out (either financially, emotionally, or both). Be very careful, and as other wiser posters have advised, I would absolutely not get entangled in any of her financial dealings with this ex. No good can come of that for your own financial peace of mind.

Good luck to you and I hope the courts/attorneys extract from this man what he owes his children.

 

[jIMOh]

This thread is mystifying. Say you are without steady female friendship and you are looking. So you look on a dating site, and you read the cv of someone like the woman being featured here. Would you seek her out, or head in the other dierection?

I met one, dated her for 18 months and am now running in the other direction

 

[Act2]

In most, if not all, US states there is a government child support office that can assist someone who is owed child support. Encourage your girlfriend to check that out if she is not easily able to afford to hire a lawyer. Some of these offices are quite good, varies by location.

 

[Hermit]

New Title:

New girlfriend [-]dilemma[/-] drama

Some people can't live without it. Perhaps after 15 years this fits your GF?

 

[obgyn65]

Wise choice.

Yes, I am reluctant to get too involved.

 

[jerome len]

It's time for your GF to build a new life. It doesn't sound like her ex will change and if he is making her unhappy she can continue her fight or decide to move on. Ex should pay child support and I suspect she will continue to get her "minimum" payments. But.....why continue a financial fight that has lasted 15 years.....that means he has been able to make her miserable for 15 years.....this is a saga, a drama......no winners at all.

Frankly, if this was my GF I'd either help her out of the mess....only if you want to build a life with her or I'd move on......it isn't your saga or drama. Life is too short to fight this long......and, I feel sorry for the poor girls......they suffer with a unsapportive Dad and a "suffering" mother.......and, a BF that doesn't think he should get involved......these poor kids don't have much of a support group helping them grow up.

Most times happiness is more than financial......it's all about people caring for each other....overall, this is a tough situation. Maybe a social worker can look at the family unit, the appropriate role/attitude of Mom, Dad and BF. Again, if BF doesn't want to get involved and help out........get out.....don't stick around unless you want to help and support GF and her 3 girls.....that's what they need.

 

[Letj]

Well you did ask for advice.