OK, going way out on a limb here...

[SecondCor521]

I am most interested in insights from people who divorced and then remarried their same spouse and people who divorced and remarried someone else, but everyone else is welcome to chime in.

For those of you keeping score at home, my wife of 15.5 years and mother of our three kids divorced me last year. To put it in Dr. Laura terms, my question for you is this: "Should I try to reconcile with my ex-wife?"

On the one hand, I believe in a God who never gives up trying to reconcile with us and who says that a marriage between a man and a woman is like His relationship to us. By that analogy even though we are now divorced I feel I should never give up trying.

On the other hand, I have the knowledge that my ex and I are nearly polar opposites on finances, which caused a great deal of stress between us. And my parents never really approved of her because she was not college educated.

On the other other hand, we were married for a long time and have three kids who really deserve better than what they're getting right now.

On the other other other hand, I would say that a guy should always respect a girl saying "no" in terms of a physical relationship, and it seems that at some point the same should hold true romantically. I guess sort of a question to the ladies here is this: If you say "no, never with you" to a guy who is interested in you romantically, when should he persist and when should he stop?

I feel like I've already asked this question but I don't think I have. If I have, my apologies.

Comments, stories, insights? All questions answered honestly.

2Cor521

 

[Nords]

For those of you keeping score at home, my wife of 15.5 years and mother of our three kids divorced me last year. To put it in Dr. Laura terms, my question for you is this: "Should I try to reconcile with my ex-wife?"

Doesn't matter what we think, and opinion polls don't count either-- what's your ex-wife think of this idea?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

what's your ex-wife think of this idea?

Nothing a little duct tape wouldnt solve.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Did what went wrong get fixed? Would you both spend time in serious marriage counseling? Did you try counseling before?

Are you the only one who wants to try this reconciliation, or is she interested? That part about "no, not ever with you" has me worried...are you stalking her in any way? There might be too much pressure here.

Has she chanaged any on the finance issue? Tell your parents to stick up their #$%^ about her lack of college, trust me on this one. They still haven't gotten over that, this many years later?

I'm with you on the God thing. More importantly, is she?

Good luck with this; I will be thinking about y'all and hoping for you to find the wisdom you need. If she's not interested, you should probably know you did the best you could to make it happen, and then let it go.

Sarah 18+ years together with Donald and counting.... (half my life)

 

[SecondCor521]

Doesn't matter what we think, and opinion polls don't count either-- what's your ex-wife think of this idea?

I haven't asked her lately.

I asked her several times last year and was turned down flat.

2Cor521

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Its been my experience that women rarely fall "back in love". Women have a complex array of attachments of which a man is simply one thread, usually easily cut. Men have a fairly simple and limited number of attachments and while we play the macho role, we have a great deal of difficulty cutting one of those attachments.

Fire away, its a generalization.

I would suggest that given she went through the whole divorce process and having now experienced the pain and suffering associated with that procedure, and having lived a full year on her own...and still turning down your suggestions for reconciliation?

Its over. Move on with your life.

 

[kjpliny]

Agree with Cute N Fuzzy Bunny. If possible, find someone more compatible when you're ready. It sounds as if your ex is headed in that direction too.

 

[Gumby]

..

 

[martyb]

Sorry, I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but CFB's probably right. On the other hand, what do I know? I've been divorced once, raised my 2 daughters mostly on my own, and the ex & I never reconciled. We get along pretty well now, but that all happened 20 yrs ago. I remarried (wife #2) after being single with the daughters for 10 years (still married). It's hard to let go. I have one pretty good friend who divorced & then remarried his ex a few years later. They divorced again after about 6 years. They have 2 young sons who I know weren't done any good by the on again-off again marriage. I wish you the best.

 

[SecondCor521]

Did what went wrong get fixed? Would you both spend time in serious marriage counseling? Did you try counseling before?

Are you the only one who wants to try this reconciliation, or is she interested? That part about "no, not ever with you" has me worried...are you stalking her in any way? There might be too much pressure here.

Has she chanaged any on the finance issue? Tell your parents to stick up their #$%^ about her lack of college, trust me on this one. They still haven't gotten over that, this many years later?

I'm with you on the God thing. More importantly, is she?

Good luck with this; I will be thinking about y'all and hoping for you to find the wisdom you need. If she's not interested, you should probably know you did the best you could to make it happen, and then let it go.

Sarah 18+ years together with Donald and counting.... (half my life)

Hmm, lots of questions. And drats, I just resolved to be more honest, so...in order:

1. No. I've changed some but probably not enough and I don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with her.
2. If I thought there was a chance, yes. Her, no.
3. Yes, we did. Earlier in our marriage after we lost two children in utero, then for a few months before the separation.
4. I am under certain conditions. I don't know if she is or not. As I replied to Nords, I haven't asked her lately.
5. I am not stalking her. I have been giving her space the past year trying to implement that old saying "If you love something, set it free..."
6. At one time a month or two before the divorce, she came up to me and flatly said, "OK, let's do a budget" which is probably what we should have done 15 years earlier. I was so...I don't know...dubious, I guess at that point...that we never did one. The marriage fell apart before I seized that opportunity.
7. I should have told my parents that. I thought I was sending that message loud and clear when I got engaged, got married, and had three kids with her that her lack of college didn't matter to me. But I think it would have been better for my wife if I had stuck up for her against my parents more. My bad.
8. My parents literally within hours of me informing them of my ex-wife's intent to file divorce (2/6/06) and within hours of informing them the divorce was final (11/29/06) said not to worry, I was a good catch and that I'd find happiness with someone else. Damn callous and showing their true stripes I thought.
9. She grew up in a strong Christian home and told a mutual friend that she knew divorce was wrong but she was doing it anyway and that she would ask for forgiveness later. I think she is taking the "life's too short to be unhappy" approach.

2Cor521

 

[SecondCor521]

Its been my experience that women rarely fall "back in love". Women have a complex array of attachments of which a man is simply one thread, usually easily cut. Men have a fairly simple and limited number of attachments and while we play the macho role, we have a great deal of difficulty cutting one of those attachments.

Fire away, its a generalization.

I would suggest that given she went through the whole divorce process and having now experienced the pain and suffering associated with that procedure, and having lived a full year on her own...and still turning down your suggestions for reconciliation?

Its over. Move on with your life.

I'm not sure if you can make a divorce easy, but I tried to make it easy for her figuring there was nothing I could do to change her mind and trying to make things as amicable as possible given that we have kids and will have to work together for the next 14 years.

I asked her several times but the last time was probably late spring or early summer of last year. Since that time I have taken a "let her go" approach and thus have refrained from asking her again. Also it's no fun to be rejected. And I don't want to sound or look like a whiny little puppy dog, which I would have had I asked any time over the summer.

2Cor521

 

[Moemg]

Usually when a women ends a marriage she's done with the relationship.So the best thing you can do is move on and if she changes her mind she'll let you know.
My ex hung on to the idea that we were getting back together for years .In fact I was getting married and he said "Even if you get married I know sometime we'll get back together ours was a special relationship ". ( In my mind it was especially awful )

 

[haha]

8. My parents literally within hours of me informing them of my ex-wife's intent to file divorce (2/6/06) and within hours of informing them the divorce was final (11/29/06) said not to worry, I was a good catch and that I'd find happiness with someone else. Damn callous and showing their true stripes I thought.

Doesn't sound callous to me. Maybe impolitic. And maybe you should get the message, before you get a restraining order or something. Your ex is being as clear as possible that she is done with you. You've gone through the hurt, gone through the financial loss. Now get yourself a woman and starting feeling like a man again. If any of your 3 kids are male, you owe that to them at least.

Ha

 

[SecondCor521]

Sorry, I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but CFB's probably right. On the other hand, what do I know? I've been divorced once, raised my 2 daughters mostly on my own, and the ex & I never reconciled. We get along pretty well now, but that all happened 20 yrs ago. I remarried (wife #2) after being single with the daughters for 10 years (still married). It's hard to let go. I have one pretty good friend who divorced & then remarried his ex a few years later. They divorced again after about 6 years. They have 2 young sons who I know weren't done any good by the on again-off again marriage. I wish you the best.

OK, batch reply:

kjpliny, I'm not sure what I said to lead you to think what direction she is heading, but you may very well be right.

Gumby, you're right. I need to work on that more. <sigh>.

martyb, I hear you. I wish the odds were better but they're not.

2Cor521

 

[SecondCor521]

Usually when a women ends a marriage she's done with the relationship.So the best thing you can do is move on and if she changes her mind she'll let you know.
My ex hung on to the idea that we were getting back together for years .In fact I was getting married and he said "Even if you get married I know sometime we'll get back together ours was a special relationship ". ( In my mind it was especially awful )

I certainly wish to avoid being the kind of guy your ex was in this respect.

2Cor521

 

[SecondCor521]

Doesn't sound callous to me. Maybe impolitic. And maybe you should get the message, before you get a restraining order or something. Your ex is being as clear as possible that she is done with you. You've gone through the hurt, gone through the financial loss. Now get yourself a woman and starting feeling like a man again. If any of your 3 kids are male, you owe that to them at least.

Ha

OK, I could use a little more help here. Sarah mentioned "stalking", and you used the term "restraining order". I have done absolutely nothing deserving of either of those words (as far as I can tell) since the separation, but I obviously said something that triggered it. In fact, I have been taking extra pains to not be that way. What did I say/write that drew those comments?

I have two sons and one daughter, but I will disagree with you that another woman is what they need. They still have me and their mother, and I think adding an additional woman to the mix is not what would make me feel like a man.

2Cor521

 

[LeatherneckPA]

2Cor521, that marriage is over. Move on. The time to save it was BEFORE the papers were filed. Stop deluding yourself and concentrate on starting over. Concentrate on being the best single parent and role model you can for those kids, and make sure theyunderstand it's not their fault the marriage fell apart. Don't into negativity about the ex either. That's really not productive for the kids.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I don't think she thinks there is anything wrong with her.

There probably isnt. She's just different from you. Do a search here for "hairballs". Maybe you'll get some insight.

A good start: http://early-retirement.org/forums/index.php?topic=8643.msg157507#msg157507

You and your wife both had a pack of incompatible economic, emotional and intellectual hairballs. Instead of figuring out how to accept them, you both fought each others. Your parents had one as well regarding your wifes education.

Nobody beats a hairball. Nobody.

Your best bet is to find someone with compatible or similar hairballs

And don't feel bad about this. People determine who they think they can spend the rest of their life with on damned skimpy evidence, then try to make the best of it. Its more surprising that so many relationships DO work out than not. You didnt screw up, you probably couldnt fix it then or now, all the coulda woulda shouldas wouldnt have matters. You just made a bad choice and it took a while for it to sort itself out.

Run to the front door, rip it open and scream "NNNNNNNEXT!"

 

[SecondCor521]

There probably isnt. She's just different from you. Do a search here for "hairballs". Maybe you'll get some insight.

A good start: http://early-retirement.org/forums/index.php?topic=8643.msg157507#msg157507

You and your wife both had a pack of incompatible economic, emotional and intellectual hairballs. Instead of figuring out how to accept them, you both fought each others. Your parents had one as well regarding your wifes education.

Nobody beats a hairball. Nobody.

Your best bet is to find someone with compatible or similar hairballs

And don't feel bad about this. People determine who they think they can spend the rest of their life with on damned skimpy evidence, then try to make the best of it. Its more surprising that so many relationships DO work out than not. You didnt screw up, you probably couldnt fix it then or now, all the coulda woulda shouldas wouldnt have matters. You just made a bad choice and it took a while for it to sort itself out.

Run to the front door, rip it open and scream "NNNNNNNEXT!"

I hear you. You made me laugh with the last bit. Hang on, I need to hitch my four rats up in their harnesses and go looking for lesbians. (Joke from a different thread of mine from a while ago.)

2Cor521

 

[haha]

The Bunny has the wisdom of Solomon.

HA

 

[Outtahere]

You said adding another woman to the mix would not be good for the kids? I think you're wrong there! They've had front row seats to a relationship that didn't work and ended in divorce, now is your chance to find the right person and show them that it is possible to have a wonderful loving relationship that lasts. Keep the lines of communication open and friendly between you and the ex for the kids, show them that although a divorce is not the thing you want to do that it can work and that you are both there for them. Also that anyone you bring into this family (wife/partner) is also there for them, not to replace the other parent but as an addition to their family.

I went through the bad divorce of my parents, it wasn't pretty and us kids were the rope in the tug of war.

 

[dex]

Its been my experience that women rarely fall "back in love". Women have a complex array of attachments of which a man is simply one thread, usually easily cut. Men have a fairly simple and limited number of attachments and while we play the macho role, we have a great deal of difficulty cutting one of those attachments.

Fire away, its a generalization.

I would suggest that given she went through the whole divorce process and having now experienced the pain and suffering associated with that procedure, and having lived a full year on her own...and still turning down your suggestions for reconciliation?

Its over. Move on with your life.

Best advise so far.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

The Bunny has the wisdom of Solomon.

A lot of stupid things done in a lot of stupid relationships formed for stupid reasons with a lot of stupid people while being stupid myself.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Sorry to have given offense, it was just your phrasing that made me wonder just how persistent you were in the asking:
"On the other other other hand, I would say that a guy should always respect a girl saying "no" in terms of a physical relationship, and it seems that at some point the same should hold true romantically. I guess sort of a question to the ladies here is this: If you say "no, never with you" to a guy who is interested in you romantically, when should he persist and when should he stop?"

I didn't mean to imply you were in fact stalking her, but just wanted you to be sensitive to the "when should he persist" part that might make the alarm bells ring in a woman's head. I've had friends that considered that sort of thing harassement.

Sorry about that. I wouldn't think you'd really be a stalker!
Sarah

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I had the same red blinking light on the dashboard. Not blinking too fast or too bright, but it was there. One of those vague "check engine" things that might mean a loose dipstick or gas cap, but might also mean something more serious.

The movie theater idea of the demure woman finally "giving in" to a persistent suitor has very little basis in modern times.

So when I hear someone saying they feel a certain way but the object of their interest doesnt share that feeling...but they plan to keep trying...that dashboard light comes on.