Regretting Grey Divorce

[Nemo2]

It can be worse then that. My MIL wasn't even a pleasant stranger, she became a paranoid, mean, complaining woman.

When we visited my cousin earlier this year, (she lives in Kent, England), her mother, (whom I knew as a young guy), was all smiles......my cousin said privately that this is the facade that people see, and that she (my cousin) bears the brunt of ill temper when there's no-one else there.

 

[whatnot]

Caligal611 - I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I know this is a difficult time. Wishing you strength.

 

[Chuckanut]

The worst part of caregiving to a spouse with dementia or similar, is that at some point they simply cease to be "company" for you.

One couple I know was hit with Alzhiemer's in the wife. He took good care of her, but she hit the point where she did not recognize her husband or her kids. She talked to her 'friend' in the mirror. She did not want to live with this 'strange' man so they put her in a care center. The husband was still vigorous in both mind and body.

One day his children visited Dad and sat him down. They told him they had noticed he was lonely and stressed and that was no way for him to spend his remaining years. They went on to say that given mom's condition they would have no objection if he sought out the company of another woman as long as he ensured that mom was well cared for.

He found a great lady, who gave him the partner he needed and wanted, got along well with his children, and also helped to take care of his ailing wife.

Great kids are a blessing.

 

[Brat]

That is exactly what happened to my neighbor. Her husband purchased the condo next door to me, arranged for 24 hour care and satellite service in her native language. I think I saw her once when a caretaker was taking her to the doctor. He didn't divorce her, he visited her at least weekly. I suppose he had a companion. After several years she passed away and the unit was sold.

Those who knew about the situation held the husband in high regard.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I met DH in 1975 through square dancing. The couple who started the teen square dance club responsible for our meeting and who put many still strong couples together remained lifelong friends. Theirs was a truly happy marriage. When she came down with terminal cancer a number of years ago, a female friend of theirs became a companion of his, gradually, and both helped with caregiving. This was with the dying wife's blessing and encouragement. It took nothing away from the marriage, but she died with no worry that he would be left alone. Now that is a powerful love. On all their parts. The husband and new girlfriend embarked on a long cross country road trip and visited us along the way. It was beautiful to see.

 

[Amethyst]

Have yet to see a story about an older woman taking on a new "companion" as her husband goes downhill. I wonder why? I am sure it happens; maybe the woman feels socially compelled to keep the new relationship quiet.

 

[Moemg]

Have yet to see a story about an older woman taking on a new "companion" as her husband goes downhill. I wonder why? I am sure it happens; maybe the woman feels socially compelled to keep the new relationship quiet.

IMO it is because women usually have some friends that take care of their need for companionship plus care taking is exhausting .When my late husband was critically ill there was no way I had time for anything but his care .

 

[athena53]

Have yet to see a story about an older woman taking on a new "companion" as her husband goes downhill. I wonder why? I am sure it happens; maybe the woman feels socially compelled to keep the new relationship quiet.

When I was a kid, a friend of my parents developed Parkinson's. I'd guess he and his wife were in their 40s, so this doesn't qualify as "older"- but the wife divorced the husband and eventually remarried. First husband continued to live with them and they took care of him till he died. I thought that was amazingly rational all around. Not sure about when the relationship developed between the wife and her second husband. i.e. how soon after first husband's diagnosis.

 

[Derslickmeister]

Hi All,
Received the final divorce decree today. Still working my way through the stages of grief (grieving the death of our marriage I guess). D soon to be ex-W has been very generous throughout the process and has gone out of her way to make this as easy as possible for me. Still I'm finding it incredibly hard to concentrate and focus on daily activities. This time next week it should be a done deal...

 

[travelover]

Hi All,
Received the final divorce decree today. Still working my way through the stages of grief (grieving the death of our marriage I guess). D soon to be ex-W has been very generous throughout the process and has gone out of her way to make this as easy as possible for me. Still I'm finding it incredibly hard to concentrate and focus on daily activities. This time next week it should be a done deal...

My condolences. If you have not yet done so, a counselor to bounce your thoughts off from can be very helpful.

Good luck.

 

[Sanstar]

I'm saddened by those who spend so many years together and then one or both decide they'd be happier living without their spouse.

I have a relative who has confided how unhappy he is with his DW of more than 25 years. Both are mid-50's living apart in the same house. With no plans for the future as a couple. Very sad. When we speak, I encourage him to see a professional counselor and encourage her to do the same. In the meantime, consistently treat his DW with respect and kindness and keep in mind their current situation is troubling/hard/disappointing and sad for her too. I can't imagine either being happier alone. But, as others noted, no one really knows what's going on in another's marriage and home.

When rebalancing my AA last week, I also took time to put together a financial risk assessment with risk-mitigation strategies. One item on the risk list was: separation or divorce.

This discussion makes me think about how I can be a better partner to my DH.

 

[athena53]

I'm saddened by those who spend so many years together and then one or both decide they'd be happier living without their spouse.

I have a relative who has confided how unhappy he is with his DW of more than 25 years. Both are mid-50's living apart in the same house. With no plans for the future as a couple. Very sad. When we speak, I encourage him to see a professional counselor and encourage her to do the same. In the meantime, consistently treat his DW with respect and kindness and keep in mind their current situation is troubling/hard/disappointing and sad for her too.

A college friend is living like this; I made contact with him 9 years ago via LinkedIn and the e-mails he sent from his out-of-town contracting gigs were always happier and more relaxed than the ones he sent while he was at home between jobs. They haven't had sex for 20 years and he hasn't had sex with anybody else, either. Wow. He has no plans to divorce; she has eye issues that may eventually cause her to lose her sight. I feel bad for both of them; there just seems to be no graceful way out.

 

[Pilot2013]

They haven't had sex for 20 years and he hasn't had sex with anybody else, either. Wow.

Maybe someone start a thread about how often married couples really have sex? Especially those married 10-15-20 years?

OTOH, never mind. I have a feeling most wouldn't answer honestly anyway.

I seem to remember someone on here bragging about his amorous life that I always felt was meant to impress.... someone.

 

[aja8888]

Maybe someone start a thread about how often married couples really have sex? Especially those married 10-15-20 years?

OTOH, never mind. I have a feeling most wouldn't answer honestly anyway.

I seem to remember someone on here bragging about his amorous life that I always felt was meant to impress.... someone.

Do you mean just with each other or to include other people?

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

A college friend is living like this; I made contact with him 9 years ago via LinkedIn and the e-mails he sent from his out-of-town contracting gigs were always happier and more relaxed than the ones he sent while he was at home between jobs. They haven't had sex for 20 years and he hasn't had sex with anybody else, either. Wow. He has no plans to divorce; she has eye issues that may eventually cause her to lose her sight. I feel bad for both of them; there just seems to be no graceful way out.

I like your friend, He took his vows seriously.

 

[Pilot2013]

Do you mean just with each other or to include other people?

I guess it would be prudent to clarify in the poll!

 

[Derslickmeister]

Signed the final decree today in her attorney's office. Her attorney will give the signed decree to the judge for his sign off in the morning. By 9:00am my 33 year old marriage will be dead and buried... oh well,
on to the next phase I guess.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Signed the final decree today in her attorney's office. Her attorney will give the signed decree to the judge for his sign off in the morning. By 9:00am my 33 year old marriage will be dead and buried... oh well,
on to the next phase I guess.

Ugh, sorry to hear this, Now Im depressed

 

[Chuckanut]

Signed the final decree today in her attorney's office. Her attorney will give the signed decree to the judge for his sign off in the morning. By 9:00am my 33 year old marriage will be dead and buried... oh well,
on to the next phase I guess.

I'm very sorry. It does leave a hole in one's life. All I can offer, and I realize it is a bit trite, but I think it is also true is this:

Living Well is the Best Revenge.

OK, maybe you are not looking for revenge, so substitute, cure, therapy, etc. Just live well.

 

[travelover]

It gets better, but slowly. Let it happen at its own pace.