Regretting Grey Divorce

[Totoro]

I know this is generic tripe: I believe sometimes one should, sometimes one shouldn't. It's extremely hard to know which is which, as inaction is also a choice (and usually preferred in my view).

It works both ways. I've talked someone close to me through a rough patch because I believed his decision making was temporarily impaired (developed feelings for another person).

I have also encouraged my sister in the other direction because I truly believed it was better for the parties involved, and was asked to give input.

Was it wrong to do so? I don't know. I do feel it can be irresponsible not to give some direction in some cases.

In the case of my father, did it push him in a certain direction? I think so. Was that wrong? I don't know. He was miserable and thought he found a way out by example of his social circle. That then caused a lot of unintended consequences, and now I believe he is somewhat ok and improving. Same thing with my mother.

 

[Pilot2013]

I know this is generic tripe: I believe sometimes one should, sometimes one shouldn't. It's extremely hard to know which is which, as inaction is also a choice (and usually preferred in my view).

It works both ways. I've talked someone close to me through a rough patch because I believed his decision making was temporarily impaired (developed feelings for another person).

I have also encouraged my sister in the other direction because I truly believed it was better for the parties involved, and was asked to give input.

Was it wrong to do so? I don't know. I do feel it can be irresponsible not to give some direction in some cases.

In the case of my father, did it push him in a certain direction? I think so. Was that wrong? I don't know. He was miserable and thought he found a way out by example of his social circle. That then caused a lot of unintended consequences, and now I believe he is somewhat ok and improving. Same thing with my mother.

To each his own. When coming from genuine caring and love, maybe. Just have to be very careful I think. That's not the type of "advice" I was referring to. Also, sometimes the best "advice".... is just listening.

 

[Silver]

I have been married to my DH for nine years. We both had marriages that ended while in our 50's. Both of our spouses decided they were bored....wanted more....needed to find themselves....and found other lovers in secret while still married. They left us before we knew what really was going on. The similarities in events is what brought my DH and I together at first, but we moved on quickly and are happier than we ever dreamed possible.


We don't know where DH's x-wife is and how she is doing...and don't care. My x-husband married his lover and died four years later of brain cancer. This makes me so sad. I loved him very much and only wished him the best, and I'm sorry he had such a brief time to design his new life.


People change over time and become unhappy because they are bored and think life should be more exciting. I believe that mid-life crisis is real and effects people differently. For some, the realization that it is our nature to die creates pressure to do something different, I think.

 

[brett]

I think that it is impossible to really know/understand what goes on in any marriage. What others see is often just an illusion.

Could be that as we grow older and more financially independent the option of divorce becomes more attainable to those who previously remained in a marriage that did not work or in one where at one of the partners did not want it to work or would not work at it.

The whole marriage business is a mystery to me. We have been happily married for 43 years. My spouse married outside of her faith (evangelical) amidst threats that it was wrong, would not work, and a boor of a pastor who seem more interested in whether were intended to have children and if we did would bring them up in his faith (I would not and was not shy at saying so).

Oddly enough our marriage has worked. I think that it grew much stronger because of our differences and our willingness to accept other viewpoints. But the majority of DW's family members who dutifully married 'inside' their faiths are now divorced/remarried. This has always surprised me given their traditional conservative way of life and emphasis on so called family values. In the same way that the increase in grey divorce has surprised me a little. There is none so strange as folk themselves.

 

[rodi]

My parents came very close to getting a divorce in their 50's. I think financial reasons (on my dads side) and fear of being deemed a failure (on my mom's side) kept them together. Even though I was grown and out of the house - I was aware they had separate bedrooms for a few years and were largely leading separate lives.

That said - they made an effort to reconnect at some point - found common interests again, rekindled an old interest (theater - they'd met working on plays together in college). Somehow they managed to find a way to reconnect/rekindle/fall back in love.

The lesson I learned from this is that marriage DOES require work sometimes... and short of physical abuse, chronic cheating, or other extreme things... It's worth saving. I've never been comfortable with the "I've fallen out of love" reason for divorce.... Life is full of ebbs and flows...

Maybe it's because I was older (38) when I got married.... I have no illusions that life is better single.... it's just lonelier.

 

[easysurfer]

My view about single vs married is the saddest things are a single person longing to be married and a married person longing to be single. Other than that, I see the pluses and minuses to both.

I think it is difficult to gauge how happy/unhappy people are. Have a brother who was married over 40 years, but divorced fairly recently. His ex was the one who filed. On the outside, for years, he'd mention how happy he was, but not until during and after the divorce did I know that things were on the rocks.

With that said, I'll be attending a wedding for a nephew in about 2 months. He and his future bride look like a great couple together. I'm really happy for them.

 

[youbet]

Before they were a couple that did EVERTHING together.

And, IMHO, there's the problem. Doing EVERYTHING together is not a good thing.

DW and I have been married 46 years and have lived in the same area all that time. We come from large, extended families we're in close touch with and that, coupled with our tendency to hang onto old friends from high school and college, from the neighborhood, etc., means we are still close to many couples we've known for decades.

Our observation is that those most likely to end up in late life divorce situations, and there have been several, are those who were the most "clingy" and dependent on one another throughout life. And, OTOH, those couples who led the most independent lives seem to be the ones sticking together.

I'm sure there are exceptions, but those are our general observations......

 

[Music Lover]

Maybe it's because I was older (38) when I got married.... I have no illusions that life is better single.... it's just lonelier.

From the perspective of someone who married the wrong person (I wisely ended it quickly), being married to the wrong person is much lonelier than being single.

 

[CaliKid]

The insight I want is NOT about this particular couple whom I wish well. It is a broader question...there is now a huge increase in grey divorce. Have most of them found the grass really is greener on the other side?

I will say about this couple. the wife is struggling with depression, and is uncharistically disengaged from her kids (she only talks to them when they call her) when before she was devoted and engaged. I am connected with her with social media and she posts "inspirational posts" about living life with passion, not comprimising, yada yada.
Before they were a couple that did EVERTHING together, and celebrated annivesarys birthdays with special gifts and experiences. Now she is so different. He hasn't changed much (except the weight loss) and he remains devoted in that he wants help her through the crisis and be there for her. but she refuses help (like suggestions to see a doctor).

I see this bombardment on social media messages to "do what makes you happy" etc...and it is not that some of these nuggets of "wisdom" aren't valid...but I think it skews a person expectations, especially those who are in crisis and vulnerable.

If one assumes a mid-life crisis is a temporary thing, then there are many people making decisions duirng that time that have permanent consequences. I think ERD 50 is right too.

Is it true about grey divorces being up or are you just more aware as YOU grey?

Things like mental illness happen (a lot). You can both try but sometimes that illness forces the divorce by one or the other. It's the sad reality.

Beyond mental illness couples should do things to develop their relationship. Travel together, care for each other, send flowers for no reason, do something different on occasion, etc.... It's not 50/50 it's give 100% to your spouse!

 

[ivinsfan]

From the perspective of someone who married the wrong person (I wisely ended it quickly), being married to the wrong person is much lonelier than being single.

You can be single and not lonely, or single and lonely, or married to the wrong person and lonely...being lonely is not defined by whether or not you live with someone.

 

[Calico]

You can be single and not lonely, or single and lonely, or married to the wrong person and lonely...being lonely is not defined by whether or not you live with someone.

+100

Some of the happiest people I know are single, and some of the unhappiest are married. Marriage is not a "cure" for loneliness, and single life is not by definition depressing and empty, despite conventional "wisdom" which often communicates otherwise.

 

[user5027]

On a related note ...

"I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us." - Kinky Friedman

 

[Quest4Fire]

This is a great thread. So many interesting perspectives. Lots to think about.


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[EastWest Gal]

Over the past few years I've become very comfortable with being alone a fair amount of the day. In fact, I crave it. But that is a result of 30 years of being with people at work all day long.

I enjoy DH's company very much. But I also am way more content with being by myself than I was 20 years ago.

I see all of us on our own paths in life and the more we support each other on this journey the richer our experiences will be,


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[Fiddler]

I think why I feel so concerned that this may turn out to be a grey divorce that is regretted later is because I had a post-50 midlife crisis, and it is behind me now. It did not manifest itself with a marriage separation, my husband was kind and supportive and I got through it.

The new social group she is hanging with are definitely the Live Life today and party type. A few of them are the Ashley Madison types---Life's short--Have an affair. And some of them have.

She is doing things so out of character..like going to these marathon drinking parties and driving home drunk. Something as a responsible mother and community member she NEVER did.

Usually it is teenagers you worry about the peer group they are hanging with.

 

[Fiddler]

Is it true about grey divorces being up or are you just more aware as YOU grey?

Things like mental illness happen (a lot). You can both try but sometimes that illness forces the divorce by one or the other. It's the sad reality.

Beyond mental illness couples should do things to develop their relationship. Travel together, care for each other, send flowers for no reason, do something different on occasion, etc.... It's not 50/50 it's give 100% to your spouse!

As OMNI550 posted....it is fact that grey divorces are up. A lot. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201204/the-epidemic-gray-divorces

About give 100% to your spouse. Her birthday was a few weeks ago. He had a special dinner for her and cake etc. Just because they are sleeping in separate rooms, he did not ignore the date. He made her feel loved.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I think why I feel so concerned that this may turn out to be a grey divorce that is regretted later is because I had a post-50 midlife crisis, and it is behind me now. It did not manifest itself with a marriage separation, my husband was kind and supportive and I got through it.

The new social group she is hanging with are definitely the Live Life today and party type. A few of them are the Ashley Madison types---Life's short--Have an affair. And some of them have.

She is doing things so out of character..like going to these marathon drinking parties and driving home drunk. Something as a responsible mother and community member she NEVER did.

Usually it is teenagers you worry about the peer group they are hanging with.

If his wife is in an accident while driving drunk (which pretty much by definition will make it her fault), this has the potential to put your friend's financial future at risk. Regardless of the happiness aspect or midlife crisis on her part or however many happy years of marriage they had together, he really should see an attorney. If he were my friend, this action on his wife's part is about the only thing that would make me offer immediate advice to him.

Perhaps if he actively initiates the divorce she thinks she wants, it will be the wakeup call she needs. And if not, it would happen eventually anyway, so in this case he should pursue it.

 

[Pilot2013]

If his wife is in an accident while driving drunk (which pretty much by definition will make it her fault), this has the potential to put your friend's financial future at risk. Regardless of the happiness aspect or midlife crisis on her part or however many happy years of marriage they had together, he really should see an attorney. If he were my friend, this action on his wife's part is about the only thing that would make me offer immediate advice to him.

Perhaps if he actively initiates the divorce she thinks she wants, it will be the wakeup call she needs. And if not, it would happen eventually anyway, so in this case he should pursue it.

Unfortunately, I learned that it takes some time to separate the responsibility of husband and wife. I do agree that in this case, it is more probable than not that he needs to cut the emotional chord and try to get some distance. Also unfortunately, while there is a SMALL chance it will wake her up, there is likely a much LARGER chance it will drive her down that path more quickly. A sad situation for both.

 

[HFWR]

Perhaps the new "crowd" with which she's hanging are enablers. Or, perhaps, she chose them...

 

[futboljim]

Can anybody give me insight?

I just went through this four years ago, and have two friends who are currently in he process themselves. I initiated mine, but each friends' wife initiated theirs.

For me, I think I knew for a long time that it was going to happen. We had not been good for quite awhile, without boring you its details.

One friend is in the same boat, except his wife initiated the process when she thought he was going to. The other friend was taken by surprise when his wife started down this road.

We three are fortunate, in that we make decent money, and have decent amount of assets. There is enough money so that everyone can live well. I feel for those who go through this at this stage of life, but are still living paycheck to paycheck.

Why does this happen? I believe the reasons are quite varied. For me, I feel like a caricature. We were married young, had kids right away, and evolved into quite different people. It had been years since I enjoyed spending time with my ex, even though we had a great time together when we first got together. It seems that "we grew apart", then I stuck it out "for the kids" til the youngest was about to graduate HS.

While my friends' stories vary, there are some common themes.

Very small sample size, but just thought I'd share.

 

[haha]

And I want to ask... where are all of those people that were giving the advice (ie. inspirational quotes, "live your life to the fullest"...) to her so long ago.

They are giving idiotic suggestions to someone else. Social media is basically a curse, other than for heads up notices about tax changes, 401-k s, etc.

Most professional psychologists are full of it, what can one expect from the run of the mill idiots who are often in the midst of ruining their own lives?
" I'm unhappy! It must be your fault!" Hello, people are usually quite capable of making themselves unhappy with no help from others. Modern marriage expectations are so broad that there is bound to be frequent disappointment. Some couples realize that in an expensive economy, the last thing they need is to pay a chunk to an attorney, then pay 2 rents or two mortgages. etc. etc., so like civilized humans they look the other way while the spouses find love elsewhere

Ha

 

[CaliKid]

I think why I feel so concerned that this may turn out to be a grey divorce that is regretted later is because I had a post-50 midlife crisis, and it is behind me now. It did not manifest itself with a marriage separation, my husband was kind and supportive and I got through it.

The new social group she is hanging with are definitely the Live Life today and party type. A few of them are the Ashley Madison types---Life's short--Have an affair. And some of them have.

She is doing things so out of character..like going to these marathon drinking parties and driving home drunk. Something as a responsible mother and community member she NEVER did.

Usually it is teenagers you worry about the peer group they are hanging with.

It can be good or bad but people do change. Sometimes there is some element of "mental illness" and some times it's that they have lived x number of years a certain way that just wasn't who they really were. Or like you mention some type of mid-life situation.

Not quite "gray" but we had a friend a few years ago in her 40's, super-mom/wife, do all charity woman (PTA and other charitable groups), married to great guy, and then... left him for high school boyfriend. Married high school boyfriend and has distanced herself from kids. I would guess some mental illness but who knows....

Oh ya, above all else, it's a crazy world out there!

 

[futboljim]

" I'm unhappy! It must be your fault!" Hello, people are usually quite capable of making themselves unhappy with no help from others...

This is a large part of what my situation was about. I had chosen to be a happy person, regardless of what was happening in any given moment. My ex had seemingly chosen the exact opposite, for years, and I chose to make a change.

I'm sure she has a different version... but we hardly communicate at all. I still choose to be happy, and it works well for me.

 

[Options]

You can be single and not lonely, or single and lonely, or married to the wrong person and lonely...being lonely is not defined by whether or not you live with someone.

Absolutely. I feel so blessed to have gotten all of that out of my system in my forties. I am living proof the idea one must be married/partnered or the like to be happy is a myth. In fact, given current trends it may just be an illusion:

Why Couples Divorce After Decades of Marriage

 

[aja8888]

Two of DW's children from her first marriage, both married in their 40's with house, cars, jobs, kids, bills, etc, decided to divorce. Both families were living paycheck to paycheck and these two divorce proceedings (happening simultaneously) became train wrecks of massive proportions.

We (DW and I) became the recipients of a lot of this grief and it took a good 4 years for the kids to get by the messes they created. Both are still single, living paycheck to paycheck in lousy apartments, have pretty much ruined their relationships with their kids and are no longer in relationships with the "new loves" that got them into these messes.

Grey divorces, what messes they can create!