sandwich generation....guilt.....what to do?

[moneymama]

Hi everyone,
I am in a tough position. I will try to make this easy to understand:
1. my mother (72) is ill with cancer. However, her main caretaker is her boyfriend, who lives with her....this is her choice
2. my husband has his own medical issues and is about to leave (quit) his job. The stress is just too much for him. He also cannot do physical labor (Boston winter was extremely hard for him....having to shovel the rooftop over 10 times, etc.)

I know that we may have a possiblity to relocate to Florida (where my husband will find a less-stressful job, and the weather will be much kinder for his physical limitations). This option has come much faster than I thought -- most likely next year.

I cannot help but feel so guilty. Guilty leaving Boston and my mom. Any suggestions, anyone been in this type of situation?

PS -- if we do locate, I plan to visit mom on a regular basis (more than 5 x a year).
Thank you so much, I really do appreciate all of your comments and replies

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

That's a tough one. I joined the military and left the "homestead" and didn't come back for over 20 years. The terminal illness of my Grandmother (who raised me) is what actually brought me back and I was able to spend about 6 months with her before she passed. Before she got ill, I traveled back home about every two months and although that was great to "keep up" it was NOTHING compared to living here.


I think the tough question(s) to ask is the survivability of your mother. If it's likely to be terminal, then *I* would most likely stay. If it isn't, then I would discuss the options with her. Open communication is the key here.


Lastly, as for traveling back and forth, I would pay VERY CLOSE attention to where you live in regards to airports. I was lucky in that home for me is Atlanta, so I could get non-stop flights from just about ANYWHERE. If you don't live near a major hub in Florida, then travel gets to be quite a pain.


As for the guilt...I have no advice. I live with it everyday in regards to not getting home sooner when my Mom was sick. She never looked down on me because of it, but I do have regrets when I let many of her calls go to voicemail when she wasn't sick. Guilt is a horrible emotion.

 

[braumeister]

1. my mother (72) is ill with cancer. However, her main caretaker is her boyfriend, who lives with her....this is her choice

The main question, which you don't address here, is whether he is able to take adequate care of her. If so, you shouldn't have to worry unduly. If not, then try to assess what exactly is needed and go from there.