Friends who didn't save . . .

[Danmar]

Mine too. I sometimes forget how easy it is to be a "keyboard jockey" and dispense advice without know the particulars of someone's situation. Nevertheless, certain general principles of dealing with people transcend specific scenarios, as evidenced by the frequency they are encountered and discussed on this site.

Lots of good advice on this particular thread. I only hope that my friends (and family members) who aren't saving come to their senses before we end up having an awkward conversation about their spending habits/history.

Yes. A good thread. But I'm not sure the fact that family or friends have made poor financial decisions would necessarily result in such a conversation. (Other than my daughter or my mother whose financial affairs I look after) I don't know or want to know how other people have managed their financal affairs. Of course if they ask for advice I would give it. I just assume that everybody has things under reasonable control unless they tell me otherwise. The fact that I am retired and have done reasonably well is pretty obvious to our friends but that is certainly not our intent.

 

[JmfromTx]

This thread has fascinated me. I've only been approached by two people asking sensible questions about early retirement since I decided to go. One asked a lot of good questions then made the statement (I'm recalling from memory) "you don't need 500K to retire". This is a guy that is married with one child at home. I said you might be surprised and it went right over his head. The other guy is someone older than me (60) and he is more on the ball but still hasn't done his homework. After these two conversations I decided to talk to the guys in my work group. My first question was do you have retiree health insurance? No one knew. I was grandfathered because I turned 50 three months before the deadline. I was flabbergasted and gave up.

 

[East Texas]

This thread has fascinated me.

Same with me.... more so about the responses one can give to the folks who spend freely with little concern about their financial future and yet take umbrage with their FIREd friends and relatives who won't loan them money.

We saved. We lived below our means. We don't owe anyone anything. Our retirement clothes are work coveralls, jeans, and whatever shirts Wal-Mart has on sale. We drive 14 and 15 year old cars. Like.. was it Nords?.... said - people just might avoid us because they're concerned WE might ask THEM for money.

 

[Loop Lawyer]

I've only been visiting this website for a month or so, and I'm really glad I found it because I feel that I "belong" here among kindred spirits. I have found to be true what I always sensed but never knew: that there are folks in every income range who live beneath their means and also folks in every income range who consistently live beyond their means. It is gratifying -- more than that, it is a daily inspiration -- to log on here and find people in every walk of life who have the same sense of financial responsibility that I aspire to for myself. I thank you all for that.

 

[REWahoo]

I have found to be true what I always sensed but never knew: that there are folks in every income range who live beneath their means and also folks in every income range who consistently live beyond their means.

And there appear to be many more of the latter than of the former.

 

[Mulligan]

I'm feel fortunate today. Got the rest of my $400 I loaned a friend almost 6 weeks ago that originally was only supposed to be a 3 day loan. I didnt charge any interest, but a thanks, or sorry I was late 5 weeks with your money would have been nice, even though I got neither!

 

[Meadbh]

I've only been visiting this website for a month or so, and I'm really glad I found it because I feel that I "belong" here among kindred spirits. I have found to be true what I always sensed but never knew: that there are folks in every income range who live beneath their means and also folks in every income range who consistently live beyond their means. It is gratifying -- more than that, it is a daily inspiration -- to log on here and find people in every walk of life who have the same sense of financial responsibility that I aspire to for myself. I thank you all for that.

+1

 

[travelover]

I'm feel fortunate today. Got the rest of my $400 I loaned a friend almost 6 weeks ago that originally was only supposed to be a 3 day loan. I didnt charge any interest, but a thanks, or sorry I was late 5 weeks with your money would have been nice, even though I got neither!

Your friend is trying to tell you something.

 

[Martha]

I'm feel fortunate today. Got the rest of my $400 I loaned a friend almost 6 weeks ago that originally was only supposed to be a 3 day loan. I didnt charge any interest, but a thanks, or sorry I was late 5 weeks with your money would have been nice, even though I got neither!

Shame and embarrassment are tough.

 

[Martha]

I know a number of people who have very little but they don't ask for money and it is like pulling teeth to find out if they are in a jam and need help.

Some people seem to believe that the have nots are always try to suck it away from the haves. Most have nots that I know keep their lips zipped about their circumstances, even if it means going without what I would consider a necessity. They just go day by day doing their best to get along.

FWIW.

 

[Gumby]

I know a number of people who have very little but they don't ask for money and it is like pulling teeth to find out if they are in a jam and need help.

Some people seem to believe that the have nots are always try to suck it away from the haves. Most have nots that I know keep their lips zipped about their circumstances, even if it means going without what I would consider a necessity. They just go day by day doing their best to get along.

FWIW.

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)

 

[Mulligan]

Shame and embarrassment are tough.

They should be ashamed, they made over 100,000K last year! And needing to borrow $400 from me. I was dying to ask, why but I didnt.

 

[travelover]

...........100,000K .. .........

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

I know a number of people who have very little but they don't ask for money and it is like pulling teeth to find out if they are in a jam and need help.

Some people seem to believe that the have nots are always try to suck it away from the haves. Most have nots that I know keep their lips zipped about their circumstances, even if it means going without what I would consider a necessity. They just go day by day doing their best to get along.

FWIW.

From everything we hear from politicians (not to turn this into a political thread), the "haves" are constantly being "volun-told" to pony up more for the "have nots." This is regardless of how the latter came to their position in life.

My friends have rarely asked for money; to the contrary, when I know a friend is out of work or being way underpaid at his/her current job, I pick up the tab for dinner, drinks, etc... and simply say that s/he can get the check next time. No need to comment on anything.

 

[Zoocat]

Alas, one of my friends with financial problems is asking to talk with me about her situation. She says she really wants to do something. Nothing in her situation has changed except that now she has no car. She is saying she wants to sell her house but it is a wreck and probably needs to be fixed up for sale and she can't afford to do that. Maybe she could sell it as a fixer. It's in a desireable area where houses are still selling.

I am not a miracle worker, so, I suppose I will just listen and express my concern.

I've just been through the wringer with my oldest son who is horrible with his money and will be homeless soon. But that is a story for a different thread. This recession is really wearing me out.

 

[Walt34]

I am not a miracle worker, so, I suppose I will just listen and express my concern.

That's probably all you can do. With one member of my family, and a couple more still in the works, everyone else will eventually just throw up their hands.

That's one thing I like about this board. DW and I sometimes look at each other and wonder "Are we the only ones who can plan beyond next Tuesday?"

 

[Zoocat]

Thanks, Walt. My friend just reiterated the same intentions she has stated many times before. There doesn't seem to be any new awareness or decision. Only thing new is that she has to take the bus and doesn't like it. It was really tiresome listening to her. I see now that this friendship will not survive.

 

[simple girl]

Thanks, Walt. My friend just reiterated the same intentions she has stated many times before. There doesn't seem to be any new awareness or decision. Only thing new is that she has to take the bus and doesn't like it. It was really tiresome listening to her. I see now that this friendship will not survive.

I'm sorry to hear that - I know it's tough to lose a friendship. Even if you are growing apart and it's the best decision, it's still tough.

 

[Nodak]

I know a number of people who have very little but they don't ask for money and it is like pulling teeth to find out if they are in a jam and need help.

I have a friend like this. As far as I know he lives on less than $800 per month and never complains or has asked for a loan. Occasionally he will offer to sell me one of his possessions. I buy them then hang on to them as I know he will come along in a month or two and ask to buy the item back. I respect him a great deal and am ready to help him any way I can.

 

[DangerMouse]

I have a friend like this. As far as I know he lives on less than $800 per month and never complains or has asked for a loan. Occasionally he will offer to sell me one of his possessions. I buy them then hang on to them as I know he will come along in a month or two and ask to buy the item back. I respect him a great deal and am ready to help him any way I can.

That's such a nice thing to do and enables your friend to maintain his dignity.

 

[Sarah in SC]

We just bought some tools from a friend who lost his job and was looking for some cash and had some duplicates in his shop. Beneficial for both parties.

 

[Zoocat]

I'm sorry to hear that - I know it's tough to lose a friendship. Even if you are growing apart and it's the best decision, it's still tough.

Thanks, Simple girl. The problem is not growing apart because of differing financial status/philosophy. For me, the problem is that she keeps repeating the same thing over and over and not taking action. She complains about everything. It gets so tiresome. I am worn out from this recession. Family members unemployed and broke. Friends with longtime financial issues that have suddenly become desparate. I can't help everyone all the time!

 

[Moemg]

Thanks, Simple girl. The problem is not growing apart because of differing financial status/philosophy. For me, the problem is that she keeps repeating the same thing over and over and not taking action. She complains about everything. It gets so tiresome. I am worn out from this recession. !

Not to be mean but I would limit my exposure to this friend . The constant complaining would drag me down and it obviously isn't helping her deal with it . She doesn't seem to want to do anything but complain and you are her sounding board .

 

[Redbugdave]

Moemg gave good advise. I also follow that bit of advise in my own life. You need to have some control over your environment and whether you want to be happy or not. I try to limit my exposure to negative, toxic people. Kinda like radiation exposure. I also get a dose at work, at which time it is hard to control exposures. However, retirement is around the corner...

As to your good life and having money...because you saved, etc., that did not happen because of luck. It came from sacrifice and planning. We all make the boats we row. I don't feel sorry for most of those people. And I do not understand why people don't learn from their mistakes and alter their behavior.

There is a story line here...something about a tortoise and hare...or grasshopper and ant...

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

Moemg gave good advise. I also follow that bit of advise in my own life. You need to have some control over your environment and whether you want to be happy or not. I try to limit my exposure to negative, toxic people. Kinda like radiation exposure. I also get a dose at work, at which time it is hard to control exposures. However, retirement is around the corner...

As to your good life and having money...because you saved, etc., that did not happen because of luck. It came from sacrifice and planning. We all make the boats we row. I don't feel sorry for most of those people. And I do not understand why people don't learn from their mistakes and alter their behavior.

There is a story line here...something about a tortoise and hare...or grasshopper and ant...

Agreed, the "friend" needs to learn from her financial mistakes. Even listening and tacitly agreeing (by staying relatively silent or not forcefully condemning her behavior) simply reinforces the behavior.

What kind of a "friend" is someone who makes mistakes and then complains about such mistakes as if they weren't her fault?