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Old 01-05-2015, 07:01 PM   #21
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OMG I can't imagine getting divorced. We would have to go back to work! It's so expensive.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:33 PM   #22
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He is funny about some things. He doesn't value eating out or fine dining. But he does value great vacations so that is good. He hates the cable bill, OMG, I hate talking about it. He likes his sports so he is not going to want to cancel.

Good idea about the entertainment books. I was thinking of creating a date bag and we pick from it once a week. If there were some coupons, he would like that.

Overall we get along really well, so no huge issues.

Here is a little more on finding out unexpected things: When I imagined retirement I thought about lots of little day trips of cultural activities, hikes, etc. He is a total homebody. I never saw this as we worked - and when we didn't work, we traveled. So this was a surprise to me. It's a second marriage, 11 years, maybe it we were together longer I would have picked this up.
The greatest discovery we made in our semi-ER so far was the value of Entertainment books + free library passes to cultural activities + 1/2 Groupon memberships with reciprocal privileges (ASTC, NAMR, AHA and ROAM).

For under $2K a year we eat out and see plays, go to museums, visit the zoo, go to planetarium events and all sorts of stuff multiple times a week with those three money savers. Plus we have a lot of nice always free or low cost activities like parks, bike trails, forests and beaches in our area we now have more time to make good use of.
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Old 01-05-2015, 07:53 PM   #23
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Here are a couple of things to thing about.

So one thing that really changed is the volume of dishwashing/kitchen cleaning. When you are working you generally get easy things, left overs, or buy lunch. When you are both home it's cooking and dishes 3 times a day. I am ANNOYED by this. I had always mostly done the dishes, hub takes care of the huge yard (which I didn't want) and said he would do the shopping.

Also we stopped the house cleaner and I do all the cleaning as he has terrible allergies/asthma and can't handle dust (has to leave the house when I clean) .So now I feel like I am like a traditional housewife doing all this stuff. Can you tell I am annoyed? haha
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It sounds like you need to rehire the housekeeper & find some friends to do things with. I would suggest looking for a book club or go to the gym . You will soon find lots of women friends who would love to go out for lunch or to a movie or a museum.
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Old 01-05-2015, 08:22 PM   #24
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I'd try cooking or eating simpler things while you are at home. Every meal doesn't have to be a big affair. Sandwiches, soup, leftovers. And mix in some take out or dining out.

I have noticed the uptick in dishes, too. Even when it's just me and the 2 year old here during the day. Thank goodness for the dishwasher (except it just broke and we are doing dishes the old fashioned way this week).

Downsize the house/yard to something more manageable? No reason to live the rest of your life in something that makes you unhappy.

So I think it's important to think about these things - how do you divide up stuff.
Very good ideas.

Mr B and I are not married but we live together, as if. We negotiate and divvy things up according to dislikes and as applicable, abilities.

- I hate shopping. He hates housecleaning. I do all cleaning, he does all grocery and miscellaneous shopping. I'm getting the better deal.
- He hates laundry but assists me in hanging/folding/making beds.
- I do all the outdoor yard w*rk because I don't want him to overdo physically. I have a wonderful guy friend who will come up to help or perform the task solo if it is beyond my physical abilities.
In return, Mr B does all the auto appointments...sets them up, takes the cars down to the garage, keeps track of oil change schedule, buys the tires, etc.
- I hate paperw*rk and doing phone calls. He does the cost splitting calculations and insurance matters. He makes all the business calls for household accounts.
- We both love to cook. If it's "his turn", he will do takeout or actually cook after I've been invited "out of the kitchen, woman".
- Our leisure activity preferences are very different. Most of our together time is at home. We each pursue our own outside interests. It all balances out.

Somewhere there has to be compromise.
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Old 01-06-2015, 07:31 AM   #25
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OMG I can't imagine getting divorced. We would have to go back to work! It's so expensive.
Not a retirement story, but one of "seeing more of each other" that ended badly.

A career submariner went into civilian life, so wasn't cruising the bottom of the sea for 6 months at a time. They had grown kids, so less of a reason to stay together. So could have been "too much of each other".
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Old 01-06-2015, 07:12 PM   #26
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I think the key too is not to expect to do everything together. Have some separate friends, do not do all errands,together, etc. WE each have our own offices to work in & we have 2 TV's in different rooms so if we don't want to watch the same thing at nite we don't have too.
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Old 01-06-2015, 07:33 PM   #27
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I think the key too is not to expect to do everything together. Have some separate friends, do not do all errands,together, etc. WE each have our own offices to work in & we have 2 TV's in different rooms so if we don't want to watch the same thing at nite we don't have too.
You got it. When one or both of you are working full time, there's only a few hours each workday you're together (or less if you work opposite shifts) plus usually hectic weekends that often consist of running errands, shopping, and catching up on housework or yard work. Retire and then you both have 16 hours a day where you have to decide how you want to spend your together and alone time.
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Old 01-07-2015, 08:21 AM   #28
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I retired 3 years ago. DW retired 3 months ago. Right now she is experiencing the "What do I do with all this free time?" willies that I went through back then, whereas I have grown comfortable opting to spend an afternoon with a good book, etc,with no pangs of guilt. Given time, she'll get there.
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Old 01-07-2015, 09:52 AM   #29
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We travel together, and we really enjoy that even though we are together 24/7.

But when at home, we are doing our own thing during the day most of the time. We'll go on a few outings together. We share meals and go out to eat and shopping/errands together. But we live in a neighborhood with lots of activities around, and we each tend to do our own thing in the area and at home, get separate exercise, and watch different programs.
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Old 01-09-2015, 08:11 PM   #30
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I think I gave everyone the idea I am unhappy - I am not. I am very happy. I just hate doing the dishes and cleaning the house. If I get annoyed enough we can hire a cleaner back. I still enjoy being with my hub more than anyone else. That has actually improved without the stress of work.

I was just bringing up things that changed since we stopped working. Thanks for the suggestions!
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Old 01-10-2015, 09:50 PM   #31
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Not a retirement story, but one of "seeing more of each other" that ended badly.

A career submariner went into civilian life, so wasn't cruising the bottom of the sea for 6 months at a time. They had grown kids, so less of a reason to stay together. So could have been "too much of each other".
A little off topic, but I know exactly what you're talking about. While in the Air Force, folks that flew operationally (on the road A LOT) could go do a tour at the schoolhouse (never on the road) for a few years. For the folks that flew the C-5, the schoolhouse was in Altus, Oklahoma. A wonderfully quaint little town, but there wasn't much to do there...except get tired of your spouse and get divorced. It even had a nickname, 'AIDS'...Altus induced divorce syndrome. Of course, on the other side of the coin, those that didn't get divorced usually had at least one kid!

So I could see that the ER of a couple could result in higher divorce numbers.

Sent from my mobile device so please excuse grammatical errors.
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Old 01-11-2015, 03:45 PM   #32
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I do have cleaners 1x per month because hubby has never cleaned & this did not change after semi-retiring. It is not a lot of $ so well worth it.
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Old 01-16-2015, 04:52 PM   #33
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I can see changes coming and would appreciate advice and shared experiences. DW works ~30 hours a week at a fabric/quilt shop. She likes the w*rk and plans on continuing. I've always been the long-days business traveler and will be going to semi-RE in a few weeks. Bottom line: a lot more time at home.

I asked her how the change will affect our marriage and her reply was "it won't as long as you don't change my routine." That sounds easy enough, but have others had to make adjustments?

Yea - we started jumping into the camper much more often and disappearing into the boonies for longer periods of time. I grew a beard. We have much more time to enjoy together. When we're home, we occasionally have lunch with friends - sometimes separately, sometimes not. We enjoy the increased time together, and if one needs some alone time they say so no big deal. We are both retired full time....


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Old 01-16-2015, 05:27 PM   #34
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Our marriage probably hasn't been this good in 10 years...I fear I was letting my dislike of my job turn me into a bit of a ogre. She could have complained a lot more about me over the years...but didn't. I know I'm a lucky man.
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Old 01-16-2015, 06:03 PM   #35
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Like most others we got a lot closer. Less stress and more time will do that for almost anyone. At the moment she is off babysitting her 9-month-old grandnephew and enjoys that very much. She would not have been able to do that on a Friday if she had to w*rk.
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:26 AM   #36
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Yes, the time available to help family is so satisfying. I craft all kinds of things for my granddaughter, and I am helping my son/DIL with some things around their house. LOVE this.
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