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Old 10-27-2013, 12:42 PM   #41
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"The richer your friends, the more it will cost you." Words to live by bear in mind IMO...

About 5 years ago, we consciously ended a burgeoning friendship with another couple after a year or two, mostly because they were so much about conspicuous consumption and we lost interest in the game decades ago. We still see them from time to time and catch up, but I'm convinced we're both better off as acquaintances. YMMV
Actually, I think the opposite might be true. I always pay for meals when I am with relatives. Their wallets seem permanently sewn in their pockets. They seem to think since we are the most successful that we should pay. With our friends we always have to fight for the bill. We can travel with our friends without paying for them. This would be out of the question with our family.Agree that ostentatious spending is distasteful. However, ostentation is in the eyes of the beholder. What seems ostentatious to you may not seem that way to someone else.
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Old 10-27-2013, 12:54 PM   #42
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Actually, I think the opposite might be true. I always pay for meals when I am with relatives. Their wallets seem permanently sewn in their pockets. They seem to think since we are the most successful that we should pay. With our friends we always have to fight for the bill. We can travel with our friends without paying for them. This would be out of the question with our family.Agree that ostentatious spending is distasteful. However, ostentation is in the eyes of the beholder. What seems ostentatious to you may not seem that way to someone else.
That relationship with family sounds very awkward. Do you feel it is fair, or that they are taking advantage of you? Have your relatives learned this behaviour because you always step up to the plate? How would they react if you did asked for individual bills? If they visit your home(s) do they at least show their appreciation by bringing a small gift?
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Old 10-27-2013, 12:58 PM   #43
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At our very infrequent family gatherings, on my spouses side, I know that the relatives are trying to figure out how we did it, how much income we have, from where, and how much money we actually have. Comments about pensions, retiring allowances, investments...the usual for anyone with similar inquisitive relatives. I think some believe that we are living off the sale proceeds from our house. Some seem very interested in how much we spend on travel.

We are tight lipped about our financial situation by nature. It is better not to say anything. Absolutely no issue with friends.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:26 PM   #44
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I'm not financially independent but I will have an excellent pension and paid medical. I get b.s. from people who think they are paying my pension and are pissed about it. Investments pay for most of my pension, I contributed and my work contributed a portion. I also worked for a lot less pay then my private company friends. I'll be comfortable but not rich and I will have to think before I purchase something or go on vacation. I also don't own a home - which they all do - because my income was low. I'll be able to eat, get a small place, enjoy life. But I won't be counting my piles,of money!
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:29 PM   #45
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I have a friend who is about to purchase a luxury condo in Santa Monica for 2.8 million. Everything he does is what he considers first class. I finally had to say I couldn't go to the places he wanted because I could not pay my end. Since we've been friends since we were teens he finally got it and we now do nice but less expensive things together. He's retired and he thinks when I retire we can go to lunch and such, but I can't afford the French Laundry like he can!
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:38 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by Midpack View Post
"The richer your friends, the more it will cost you." Words to live by bear in mind IMO...

About 5 years ago, we consciously ended a burgeoning friendship with another couple after a year or two, mostly because they were so much about conspicuous consumption and we lost interest in the game decades ago. We still see them from time to time and catch up, but I'm convinced we're both better off as acquaintances. YMMV
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Originally Posted by Danmar
Actually, I think the opposite might be true. I always pay for meals when I am with relatives. Their wallets seem permanently sewn in their pockets. They seem to think since we are the most successful that we should pay. With our friends we always have to fight for the bill. We can travel with our friends without paying for them. This would be out of the question with our family.Agree that ostentatious spending is distasteful. However, ostentation is in the eyes of the beholder. What seems ostentatious to you may not seem that way to someone else.
While the "opposite may be true" with family (DW's family dynamic is similar), that may indeed be a different case than friends.

In your friends experience, are your friends richer than you are? If not, your example may not be applicable. It sounds like your friends pay their own way, and you pay your own way. Would you expect anything different if your friends were "richer" - if not, it would cost your more...
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:03 PM   #47
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What seems ostentatious to you may not seem that way to someone else.
When growing up we had an uncle that was "rich" by our standards. They purchased a new Caddy every year, so they probably were.

He once said "We may be ostentatious, but in a plain way." I did not know what ostrntatious ment so I jotted it down and looked it up in the dictionary when I got home.

All part of my basic education.
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:12 PM   #48
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Sadly, I've been the "rich relative" since the day I graduated from USNA and started to pull in the big bucks as an Ensign, so I've had over 32 years to deal with these types of issues. The fact that I live over 1000 miles away from any other family member makes it easier.
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:26 PM   #49
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I have a very good friend from high school who is doing ok, but not near as well as we have. When we do things together, sometimes he pays and sometimes I pay. I usually try to make up some excuse to pay more often since I know I can afford it easier than him (like when I was working I would us an excuse that I'm splurging because I just got my bonus last week - or some similar thing). While we implicitly know that there are significant differences in our wealth, we don't dwell on them - I don't mind paying more often because I know he doesn't expect me to.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:18 PM   #50
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That relationship with family sounds very awkward. Do you feel it is fair, or that they are taking advantage of you? Have your relatives learned this behaviour because you always step up to the plate? How would they react if you did asked for individual bills? If they visit your home(s) do they at least show their appreciation by bringing a small gift?
Fair?? not sure. It really is pretty small dollars. I am by nature pretty generous so not a big deal and yes, I have a tendency to step up to the plate. if we asked for separate bills I think they would be shocked. I don't see them very often for reasons that are pretty obvious. My real complaint is they don't bother much with our 88 year old mother. My wife and I are her prime care givers despite the fact we are hardly ever in Toronto. Anyways you don't get to pick family.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:27 PM   #51
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While the "opposite may be true" with family (DW's family dynamic is similar), that may indeed be a different case than friends.

In your friends experience, are your friends richer than you are? If not, your example may not be applicable. It sounds like your friends pay their own way, and you pay your own way. Would you expect anything different if your friends were "richer" - if not, it would cost your more...
I think you may have missed my point, which is our friends need to have enough wealth to feel comfortable paying their own way doing the kinds of things we like to do. I am thinking mostly of international travel (can be quite expensive) or expensive (or otherwise) restaurants. Of course they expect to pay their own as do we expect to pay our own. My phrase"fighting for the bill" reflects a healthy desire on everyone's part to pay their share, or even a little more. When dining with friends, no one would ever ask for separate bills. we would split it evenly or maybe take turns paying. On the other hand, our family has been frequent beneficiaries of our generosity in relation to travel and eating out. As far as I know most of our good friends are quite comfortable financially based on general conversation, their real estate, autos, and their apparent ability to join us and invite us back. Obviously, we haven't specifically compared net worth nor intend to.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:45 PM   #52
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I have a very good friend from high school who is doing ok, but not near as well as we have. When we do things together, sometimes he pays and sometimes I pay. I usually try to make up some excuse to pay more often since I know I can afford it easier than him (like when I was working I would us an excuse that I'm splurging because I just got my bonus last week - or some similar thing). While we implicitly know that there are significant differences in our wealth, we don't dwell on them - I don't mind paying more often because I know he doesn't expect me to.
You sound like a great friend.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:51 PM   #53
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I think you may have missed my point, which is our friends need to have enough wealth to feel comfortable paying their own way doing the kinds of things we like to do.
Thanks for reinforcing the adage "The richer your friends, the more it will cost you." We've come full circle...
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:55 PM   #54
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Thanks for reinforcing the adage "The richer your friends, the more it will cost you." We've come full circle...
sorry but I'm missing it? But doesn't matter.
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Old 10-27-2013, 04:36 PM   #55
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It is now almost winter here in the Northeast.

My house is warm.

I have enough clothes and blankets and towels and dishes to last 10 lifetimes.

My two cats are here and are well fed and warm.

My fridge/freezer is full.

Everything works and is clean and neat.


I cooked dinner tonight, with enough left over for next two or three days.

I have a one hundred mile view of about 8 mountain ranges out my back door, and my neighbors are neat, clean, respectful and QUIET.

Life is good!
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Old 10-27-2013, 05:11 PM   #56
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It is now almost winter here in the Northeast.

My house is warm.

I have enough clothes and blankets and towels and dishes to last 10 lifetimes.

My two cats are here and are well fed and warm.

My fridge/freezer is full.

Everything works and is clean and neat.


I cooked dinner tonight, with enough left over for next two or three days.

I have a one hundred mile view of about 8 mountain ranges out my back door, and my neighbors are neat, clean, respectful and QUIET.

Life is good!
Well said! Except for the cats and the location, my situation is similar. Life is, indeed, good!
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Old 10-27-2013, 05:23 PM   #57
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It is now almost winter here in the Northeast.

My house is warm.

I have enough clothes and blankets and towels and dishes to last 10 lifetimes.

My two cats are here and are well fed and warm.

My fridge/freezer is full.

Everything works and is clean and neat.


I cooked dinner tonight, with enough left over for next two or three days.

I have a one hundred mile view of about 8 mountain ranges out my back door, and my neighbors are neat, clean, respectful and QUIET.

Life is good!
Exactly. All the important stuff and some luxuries. Anything more is icing on the cake.
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Old 10-27-2013, 05:35 PM   #58
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I used to get questions about my work "arrangement" 10 years ago when I started working whenever I wanted to. But now at 58 years old , nobody questions whether I'm retired or not or how we make it work. If anyone has reactions, we don't here about it. But MIL often gets upset when we buy her something etc. I fed her a few numbers to calm her down.
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Old 10-27-2013, 05:54 PM   #59
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I have a very good friend from high school who is doing ok, but not near as well as we have. When we do things together, sometimes he pays and sometimes I pay. I usually try to make up some excuse to pay more often since I know I can afford it easier than him (like when I was working I would us an excuse that I'm splurging because I just got my bonus last week - or some similar thing). While we implicitly know that there are significant differences in our wealth, we don't dwell on them - I don't mind paying more often because I know he doesn't expect me to.
Sounds a lot like the situation between my best friend since high school & I.
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Old 10-27-2013, 11:20 PM   #60
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Life is good!
Ditto to that. That is what is important.
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