Do You Hide Your Financial Success From Others?

[Joylush]

I haven't read the whole thread but I don't want to be a target for thieves or gold-diggers. I drive a modest car (2020 Honda Civic) and dress comfortably without regard to what the latest trends are. This means that most would-be thieves will assume my jewelry is fake (some of it is actually 22k gold and nothing is fake). I'm fine with that.

When I was on Match.com I posted pictures from my travels because it's a passion of mine and, not surprisingly, it DID get the expected scammers who saw pics of me in Greenland and India and figured I had money. "I'm 34 but I'm European so age doesn't matter." Guys who had made-up excuses for being outside of the US. They were easy enough to sort out and ignore and I did find a good guy who shares my passion for travel and is NOT a gold-digger.

In general, yes, I DO hide my wealth. I don't need to impress anyone and it can attract the wrong kind of people. (And you know who your true friends are if they know you have a lot and don't give a fig.)

Nobody who knows me would have a clue about my net worth. In fact they probably wouldn’t believe it judging by my lifestyle. Just didn’t know why someone would think anonymously discussing things on a website would make you a target of anything.

 

[athena53]

Nobody who knows me would have a clue about my net worth. In fact they probably wouldn’t believe it judging by my lifestyle. Just didn’t know why someone would think anonymously discussing things on a website would make you a target of anything.

No, not here- in real life.

 

[Amethyst]

Jealousy is so stupid, yet so prevalent.

I was on a retirement forum, where a woman was criticizing another woman she knew (not on the forum) for playing pickleball in shorts and a tight top that "emphasized her good figure in front of other women's husbands."

So not only do we have to conceal our money, we now have to conceal our healthy lifestyle by playing sports in baggy clothes!

 

[aja8888]

Jealousy is so stupid, yet so prevalent.

I was on a retirement forum, where a woman was criticizing another woman she knew (not on the forum) for playing pickleball in shorts and a tight top that "emphasized her good figure in front of other women's husbands."

So not only do we have to conceal our money, we now have to conceal our healthy lifestyle by playing sports in baggy clothes!

Men appreciate seeing good figures, financial and otherwise.

 

[Winemaker]

Men appreciate seeing good figures, financial and otherwise.

I concur, anything that makes it easy on my eyes.

 

[Music Lover]

Men appreciate seeing good figures, financial and otherwise.

Women too.

 

[youbet]

a tight top that "emphasized her good figure

What's that mean

 

[Amethyst]

I am quoting, but I don't think it requires translation.

The criticized woman evidently was in good shape for her age, which athletic clothing, being tight, tends to make obvious.

The jealous criticizer tried to turn this into a social sin, i.e. "tempting" of less-fit women's spouses. As if the woman was deliberately being hateful by being in shape.

Sad. But akin to jealousy over someone else's hard-earned affluencce.

What's that mean

 

[bubba1]

I drive a old car, dress in jeans, do a lot of my own repairs and remodeling. I can afford to hire things out, but I’d rather do things myself. I keep my financial stuff to myself. We live modestly, but we came from working class families, so that seems normal. Nobody looking at us would think we are as well off as we are. But I still consider myself as working class. I really think that the term middle class has been stretched to cover a lot of lower class folks.

 

[bubba1]

I concur, anything that makes it easy on my eyes.

Yup.

 

[Letj]

I can't imagine ever wanting to live somewhere where I had to have a brick and steel fence with spikes on top just to keep thief's and others out. Also sounds like a very high crime area, That would completely go against everything I hold dear, freedom, safety security etc. Why one would choose to live this way is beyond me. Then you can't travel the country side by car for fear of rampant car theft? What is the upside?

You will be surprised how common this is around the world. The driving factor is the huge disparity between the haves and the havenots which results in rampant petty crime. I also think, unlike the US, in many places there’s a lot of success envy and less respect for personal property and personal achievements. There is often the feeling that you don’t deserve what you have or you came by it through evil means and not hard work or you were just lucky. I was recently in Costa Rica and many of the wealthier lived in gated communities with guards.

 

[DjBrown]

You will be surprised how common this is around the world. The driving factor is the huge disparity between the haves and the havenots which results in rampant petty crime. I also think, unlike the US, in many places there’s a lot of success envy and less respect for personal property and personal achievements. There is often the feeling that you don’t deserve what you have or you came by it through evil means and not hard work or you were just lucky. I was recently in Costa Rica and many of the wealthier lived in gated communities with guards.

You are absolutely correct and so is finnski1.

It is not pleasant to be surrounded by people with such feelings. You may save some money by living in such place, you may enjoy being relatively wealthy as compared to locals but it is no fun.

I know from personal experience. I will rather live in higher cost of living area and be surrounded by pleasant/happy people. Such places/countries are often not cheap but well worth it

 

[brett]

I was brought up to view one's faith and one's financial status as very personal and very private.

I still very much feel this way. We live well below our income level. Not on purpose, it is just how we live.

We have friends in different socioeconomic groups. They, nor our children have no idea of our net worth. No reason for anyone except DW to know. Other than our financial advisor of course.

We are not into the comparison game on any level. Never have been. Seems such a pointless mugs game.

We just live our own lives as we wish and go about our own business.

I told DW this week that I may splash out on a new SUV later in the year. Her comment was seeing is believing. Challenge is I love my 2006 drive and our 2007 summer drive.

 

[street]

^ I wanted to keep our 2003 and 2007 vehicles too. Both with low miles and in excellent condition but I knew we needed to upgrade. I'm still driving a 2008 ranch truck with 180K and runs and works fine. I'm sure something I can't afford anything better. Lol

That works for me, I don't like new and am content with the minimum.

 

[Spanky]

I grew up in a blue collar family and worked hard to get ahead in life by living below my means and delaying gratification (put savings into investments instead of spending) in my 20s and 30s. The sacrifice has paid off Big Time!!

With that being said, I find that I tend to keep my financial success to myself.....by not talking about it and have lived modestly. I don't go around bragging about my finances. I also drive a 10 year Toyota Camry and live in a townhouse while I can easily afford a BMW and a large McMansion. Outside of work, I like to dress comfortable in sweat pants, jeans and t-shirts even thought I am a highly paid professional. I wear old clothes with holes in them when I do yardwork....my wife tells me that I look like a homeless guy. On paper, I have won the financial game in life but to most people I look like I live paycheck to paycheck.

Now that I am fat FI at 40 and have started to enjoy the fruits of my labor (part of my long term plan). I brought new golf clubs to replace old ones that I got at a Thrift Store for $30 twenty years ago. I took nice vacations with my family (pre-covid). I got a boat to go fishing and crabbing with my son. I built a nice home on a lot that I had purchased. My friends, neighbors and coworkers around me are mystified compared to the person they had known....they see me as a Great Gatsby character. They are wondering if I had won the lottery or inherited some windfall.

They didn't realized the 20 years of sacrifice that put me in this position. I had watched coworkers brought new cars, fancy watches and clothes after promotions. I had friends who financed their lifestyle with credit card without saving much for the future. I just put my head down to work hard and invest during this time.

How do I explain to people when they ask me? Will they be inspired by my story of hard work and sacrifice or resentful at my success ?

Some may be inspired and some may be resentful. From what I have read from this board and Boglehead is that the key to FI is saving and live below your mean. This philosophy works well for those who have a high paying job, e.g., physician, dentist, and high tech engineers or workers in Silicon (Silly) Valley. The pay for a new-grad software engineer (or developer) working for Goggle, Facebook, Apple, Amazon is almost $200K albeit the cost of living (mostly from housing) in the Bay Area is high. It is true that you do not need a high income to become FI but the road will be harder and longer. Obviously for someone who is making a lot less must adjust or lower their expectations accordingly. In the end, it does not really matter as financial success by itself does not equate to happiness. Wealth is not always about money but wisdom, relationship with others and compassion.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

We are an open book to our kids, closed book to others. About once/year we sit down and have a frank discussion about our financial situation, and we are proud to have helped one of our children with a significant down payment for their house. We will do it for the others as that comes up. We also tell them that we would rather spend the money on experiences with them (big family vacations) every few years. Our message is that we will never be a (financial) burden to them in our old age. We talk to them because they need to get used to the idea that someday they will have a lot of $.

My in-laws have a softer version. We know my wife will likely inherit a significant amount (well into seven figures), but numbers are a little vague. However, we are factoring in precisely zero in our plan (truth is, our kids will probably get all of it someday).

With a few close friends when I talk about early retirement, I just say “we have more than enough,” and leave it at that.

 

[Luvtoride]

We are an open book to our kids, closed book to others. About once/year we sit down and have a frank discussion about our financial situation, and we are proud to have helped one of our children with a significant down payment for their house. We will do it for the others as that comes up. We also tell them that we would rather spend the money on experiences with them (big family vacations) every few years. Our message is that we will never be a (financial) burden to them in our old age. We talk to them because they need to get used to the idea that someday they will have a lot of $.

My in-laws have a softer version. We know my wife will likely inherit a significant amount (well into seven figures), but numbers are a little vague. However, we are factoring in precisely zero in our plan (truth is, our kids will probably get all of it someday).

With a few close friends when I talk about early retirement, I just say “we have more than enough,” and leave it at that.

Unpainted, I like your approach, especially how you are handling with your kids. I am still trying to arrange a discussion with my kids to do the same. How specific do you get with them other than "you will never be a financial burden on them"? How do you let them know that some day they will have a lot of money without them feeling like "BLOWING THE DOUGH" with their own money, today? It seems to be a fine line to walk so that the message is delivered properly.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

Unpainted, I like your approach, especially how you are handling with your kids. I am still trying to arrange a discussion with my kids to do the same. How specific do you get with them other than "you will never be a financial burden on them"? How do you let them know that some day they will have a lot of money without them feeling like "BLOWING THE DOUGH" with their own money, today? It seems to be a fine line to walk so that the message is delivered properly.

I tell them exactly (to the nearest $100K) how much money (not NW) we have during our checkpoint meetings. I also tell them that this is the current valuation, and that during the last downturn, on paper, those values went down $750,000 (temporarily). We make sure that they know that if they need something, to come to us and we will discuss it with them. In addition to paying for college, buying them a modest (but new) car, I started an IRA for each of them and encouraged them to continue to contribute. Where we stop short is asking them anything about *their* finances. They are all off the family plan now (no insurance, cell phones, car payments, etc.), so they are all making it on their own, but honestly, I don't know what they are saving.

We also all shared salaries - so everyone knows what everyone makes (I wasn't sure that was a good idea, but DW was adamant). The point we made was that you were not defined by some number... someone making $100K is not worth 2X that person who makes $50K. Honestly, I was embarrassed to do that since last year I made almost 10x the next closest person.

Bottom line is that we wanted to make sure money wasn't some big secret. At some point, they'll likely each inherit millions, so they need to get comfortable with it or they won't know what to do. HOWEVER, if we live to be 90, that is a very long time from now, so they need to manage (mostly) on their own for the foreseeable future.

Interestingly, none have asked for anything. Our DD was buying a house and we offered to help, then we got into specifics and settled on a number, which was substantial, but with plenty of skin in the game for her. I didn't want to just buy a house outright for my daughter - I felt that would send the wrong message.

 

[Spanky]

We also all shared salaries - so everyone knows what everyone makes (I wasn't sure that was a good idea, but DW was adamant). The point we made was that you were not defined by some number... someone making $100K is not worth 2X that person who makes $50K. Honestly, I was embarrassed to do that since last year I made almost 10x the next closest person.

We do the same with our kids. Their salaries with RSUs and bonuses are a lot higher than ours.

 

[brett]

None of our relatives know anything about our finances.

Our two children have an inkling but nothing substantive.

We do not see a reason for anyone but us to be knowledgeable about our financial resources. Least of all any salary, bonus, option, or RSU information.

Nor are we particularly interested in knowing similar data about any our relatives or siblings.

Our children will each inherit 7 figure amounts. We have every confidence in their ability to manage these funds when the time comes. No need to get them used to it so to speak.

It is not a question of 'hiding' but rather a preference to keep our personal financial information to ourselves.

 

[Time2]

Pretty much keep it hidden, our older cars or house would not show it. Only my daughters husband knows we paid the $300k Tuition and expenses to get her through dental school. And recently they made an offer on a fixer upper house and it was dragging on for months through a series problems all unrelated to them, I just said let me buy it and give you a mortgage. Being the nice guy I am, I have them a 4% mortgage the first year and it jumped to 6% the second, just to give then incentive to get the work done.

I closed last November and they are scheduled to close their own 3.25% 15 year mortgage on April 15th, and pay me off. So I think it will all work out.
Now I want to even things up with my son over the next few years.

 

[MC Rider]

Pretty much keep it hidden, our older cars or house would not show it. Only my daughters husband knows we paid the $300k Tuition and expenses to get her through dental school. And recently they made an offer on a fixer upper house and it was dragging on for months through a series problems all unrelated to them, I just said let me buy it and give you a mortgage. Being the nice guy I am, I have them a 4% mortgage the first year and it jumped to 6% the second, just to give then incentive to get the work done.

I closed last November and they are scheduled to close their own 3.25% 15 year mortgage on April 15th, and pay me off. So I think it will all work out.
Now I want to even things up with my son over the next few years.

Awfully nice of you and sounds like a win win.

 

[Dash man]

Our family knows we’re well off, but don’t know any details. My father-in-law who lives with us much of the year can’t keep his mouth shut. Our sons know they’ll get a nice inheritance, and we’re sharing some of it now to help them out now that they have families. One son lives in our old townhouse DW had when we married in 1999. We bought a townhouse for our other son nearby us when they wanted to get out of Seattle. We still own them, but they know they get them when we pass if they’re still there.
I’d like to have a family sit down with them to reveal our details. One son is more financially savvy than the other, but I think it’s important for them both to know what to expect. I just have to get DW to agree. [emoji15]

 

[Rocky mtn high]

I know of a woman who drives a 2008 car and lives in a $400k house. No one would ever believe she has $9M in liquid assets. I didn’t until she was asking for a little financial advise. Talk about the millionaire next door!

 

[SecondCor521]

Unpainted, I like your approach, especially how you are handling with your kids. I am still trying to arrange a discussion with my kids to do the same. How specific do you get with them other than "you will never be a financial burden on them"? How do you let them know that some day they will have a lot of money without them feeling like "BLOWING THE DOUGH" with their own money, today? It seems to be a fine line to walk so that the message is delivered properly.

I'm taking the approach of gradually sharing more and more information.

I am also beginning to give them money, clearly stating that it is an effort to start passing the wealth on to the next generation, that I'm here if they want to use me as a sounding board or a resource, and that it may or may not continue depending on my financial ability and their ability to handle it (i.e., it can't be EOC and it can't result in them making unreasonably poor decisions with it).

Two of my three need to blow a little more, one needs to blow a little less. :shrug: