Yesterday, for the first time in many years, I bought a new toilet seat. I haven't been doing that many exciting things lately, and as many of my Facebook friends post about all the exciting things they do, and all the beautiful people they are hanging out with, I thought I would tell them all that I bought a toilet seat. This is what I just posted on Facebook -
"There's something that I'd like to share with you, and that is the fact that yesterday, I bought a toilet seat. It has been many years since I last bought a toilet seat. In fact I don't, as a rule, make a habit of buying toilet seats. It's not that I have any particular aversion to them, or to the idea of acquiring them. It's just that unless you're a building contractor, it's not very often in a person's lifetime that the need, or even desire, to head out to the hardware store and purchase a toilet seat occurs. It just doesn't happen that often and as such, is a rare experience in the lifetime of most of us.
Yesterday was all about toilet seats for me. I've been thinking for a while that I needed a new one, as the one that was currently fixed to my very old toilet in this very old house left much to be desired, and was the cause of some embarrassment to me when guests, particularly female ones (who tend to me more particular about where they park their derrieres), visited. Like most necessary household tasks, I kept putting this one off until today, when I thought to myself, "How hard can this be? I'll go to Home Depot, buy a toilet seat, come home with it, and put it on! It'll be over in a jiffy!
Which is what I did. I did actually make the mistake of buying the wrong size, an act that necessitated my returning in order to purchase the correct size. It had never occurred to me that my bowl was round instead of elongated. The things you learn.........
On arriving at Home Depot, with a strong sense of purpose, I made my way to aisle 35, where all the available seats were stacked on shelves, each one with a display model bolted to the front of the shelf. There are two sizes of seat - round, and elongated, and several different materials. The very cheapest are the enameled wood models, which you can buy for as little as $5.47 + tax. This was the same type as my existing seat, and when the enamel wears off, the wood starts soaking up any moisture and, well, mine, which looked to be about 300 years old, was in a shameful state. Shameful. For $6, I should have replaced it long ago.
Then there are the soft squishy toilet seats - the ones covered in a soft and pliable plastic with an artificial "grain". They make me shudder. I don't know about you, but the idea of attempting to make the act of sitting on the toilet an enjoyable, even pleasurable one, offends me slightly. Perhaps it has something to do with my being English, or Catholic, or both, but at a very basic level, it doesn't seem right. God-fearing Christians don't sit on warm and squishy seats when conducting their business. Perching on the loo should, in my estimation, be a relatively spartan experience, achieved through the use of a hard wooden or plastic seat, and nothing more. Obviously, this type of near-sinful seat was out of the question for me (and besides, the grainy plastic finish seems a little unhygienic).
I decided on a hard plastic one for a number of reasons which I won't bore you with here, as I have already bored you enough.There were several different grades of hard plastic seat. For around $8, you could purchase a very basic and lightweight model. It was OK, but seemed just a little bit flighty and insubstantial. When I do my business, I want to do it on a seat that means business, and not on the cheap lightweight model. Next, made of a thicker and slightly heavier plastic, was the serviceable and dependable $20 seat. It was the one I would finally decide on, but not before I had flirted with the idea of the luxurious $35 plastic seat, manufactured with a very dense plastic that reeked of solidity and quiet, self-assured permanence. It was hard plastic, yet in it's unflinching way, spelled uncompromising luxury of the sensible kind. I wanted this seat, but $35 seemed to be a bit much to spend just so that I could sit on the toilet. I am not a frivolous person, so I denied myself this seat.
Then I saw it. For $50, there was a seat that took 4 x AA batteries and was lit up by blue LED's. It had a dual light. When the seat was down, the blue "guide light" was active. It was controlled by a timer (set by the user) so that it was turned on all night. Then, when you lifted the lid, it switched over to a white "task light". On finishing your duties and putting the lid down again, the white light switched back to the mode where the rim was highlighted once again by blue LED light. Such decadence! Such bravery in toilet seat design! For a few heady seconds, I toyed with the idea of foolishly splurging $50 on this seat for the sheer novelty of having a lighted seat on which to perform my private duties. I mean, I don't own a car, so my potential for impressing women is severely limited. Perhaps, if I owned this lighted seat, females would swoon on seeing their bottoms bathed in blue light from the LED's powered by 4 x AA batteries. I may be about to turn 51, but it might not be too late to grasp just a few more years of swinging bachelor living from the looming jaws of impending old age.........
But of course, I decided on the solid and sensible $20 hard plastic model. It might not be exciting but really, excitement is not what you are looking for when visiting the smallest room. There is one bonus to the one I finally decided on, and that is that it is a "slow-close" model. The lid closes in a very slow and controlled fashion so as to avoid loud and awkward thunks in the middle of the night. Sprout, my 2 1/2 year-old kitty is absolutely fascinated with it. It's quite a joy to watch her little bottom wiggling from side to side like a tennis player about to serve, as she fixes her gaze on the seat when it closes oh-so-very-slowly, and prepares to pounce. Seeing her so tantalized by my new toilet seat in this fashion gives me a pleasure far greater than anything a flashy executive seat with a blue lighted rim could possibly offer.
Many of my Facebook friends seem to be doing terribly exciting things. As you post pictures taken in foreign countries and exotic locales, images of the wonderful food you are eating in trendy and hip restaurants, and details of all the beautiful, creative, talented and lovely people you are hanging out with, just spare a thought for me. However unique, creative, and enviable your experience that you posted about on Facebook was today, I bet you didn't do what I did yesterday.
Because yesterday, I bought a sensible and very serviceable toilet seat."
