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WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-08-2004, 07:35 AM   #1
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WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

My father sent me this. Now that we share an occupation (retirement) he's been a great help to me.

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting. Thought you
might like to see what happened to me last week.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in
there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was
a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up
to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of crap. He finished
the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My
car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important at my age.
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-08-2004, 01:20 PM   #2
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

This is great. Thanks for the laugh.

Mikey
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-08-2004, 05:14 PM   #3
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

SG, I can't wait to try that! What a scream!
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-08-2004, 05:39 PM   #4
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

I dont know why, but that story reminded me of this one:

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin. Could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the first two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year, the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice saying hello.

I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"

He said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you that if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

A few weeks later, I was at the mall waiting for an old lady to pull out of her spot. She was taking forever. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought. "She's finally leaving."

All of a sudden, a black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, buddy. I was here first!"

He parked and got out of the car, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jerk. There's sure a lot of jerks in this world." I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It was really easy to call him since I had his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought, "I'd better call this guy, too."

After a couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said hello.

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is," the man said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front," he said.

I asked, "What's your name?"

"Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings," he told me.

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?" I inquired.

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dial. For awhile, things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying hello.

I yelled, "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.

The jerk said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

"Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"Thanks. I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers," he threatened.

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk!" I said, and hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answered hello.

I said, "Hello, jerk!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I asked.

"I'll kick your butt," he said.

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months later, I got called for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-14-2004, 07:03 AM   #5
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

OK SG,

Did you have an advance look at Pickles (the comic strip) this Sunday? Or did they get the idea from you?

Wayne
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Pickles on the Web
Old 03-14-2004, 05:27 PM   #6
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Pickles on the Web

http://www.comics.com/wash/pickles/a...-20040314.html
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-14-2004, 05:30 PM   #7
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Quote:
OK SG,

Did you have an advance look at Pickles (the comic strip) this Sunday? *Or did they get the idea from you?
Huh? If my father could predict how the stock market was going to move as well as he anticipated what Pickles was going to be about, that would be worth something.
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-14-2004, 08:47 PM   #8
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Thanks for the link Jim. I may look around that site.

Wayne
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-20-2004, 07:59 AM   #9
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

TH & salaryguru's post inspired me to post the following:

http://www.freep.com/news/driving/helms16_20040316.htm

MATT HELMS: Rude shopper given a rude lesson, a la carts

March 16, 2004

BY MATT HELMS
FREE PRESS COLUMNIST

It's not something I can recommend, but it certainly makes a point . . .

A reader named Larry from Madison Heights (we'll leave his last name out, to save him from retribution) called to say he was at the Home Depot in Madison Heights recently when he came out of the store at 12 Mile and I-75 and saw a guy push a cart, willy-nilly, across the parking lot. Maybe it was in the spot where the guy parked and he didn't want it there.

It ended up in a parking spot for a handicapped person. The guy left it there.

Larry made a point to tell the man that the person who parks in that spot might not be able to move that cart. That's why they make spots for handicapped people, Larry explained.

The guy's response: "Whatever."

The rude shopper left the cart in the spot and went into the store. So Larry found every cart he could and put them around the guy's vehicle -- about 15 in all.
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-21-2004, 03:27 AM   #10
 
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Yep, I agree. Way too many "hall monitors". I did think
the shopping cart trick was kind of cute though.

John Galt
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-21-2004, 11:17 AM   #11
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Quote:
but my feeling is, at this point in my life, that if I let every knucklehead I see get under my skin to the point where I feel like responding to their actions, I won't have the time or energy to live my life.
That's why it's so pleasant to have someone else be the vigilante justice poet for us! That way we get a sense of justice and amusement with no effort on our part.

Quote:
And responding to negativity with a corresponding negative action just adds more negativity to the universe, so to speak.
I may be liberal, but I disagree with my interpretation of your sentence. Eye-for-an-eye and tooth-for-a-tooth has it places and its exceptions, and poetic justice is a great place for it.

For what it's worth, in my actions I behave exactly as you describe. I'm not a poet.

And come to think of it, I don't like hall monitors either. Go figure.
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-26-2004, 09:09 AM   #12
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

Seems to me justice is called for here. You can be selfish and meekly resolve the issue yourself - or - you can help mankind and possibly make the perp think twice next time. This is starting to sound like give a man a fish or teach him how to fish philosophy.

As a bonus there has to be some entertainment value by waiting until Mr. Whatever returns to his car while you discreetly watch from the far side of the parking lot.

I think my horns are showing!!
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-26-2004, 09:42 AM   #13
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

If you teach a man to fish he'll simply sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO
Old 03-29-2004, 08:43 AM   #14
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Re: WHAT RETIRED PEOPLE DO

That simply proves that teaching a man to fish is a good thing!
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