Need suggestions on how to help parents with failing health.

[2HOTinPHX]

Hello all,
So looking for some input on family situation. Our parents are in their mid 80s. They were both doing pretty good but recently have had some physical issues. Both smoked for many many many years but do not currently smoke. Mom is oxygen and has slowed down considerably and does not like to leave the house. Dad would still get out and do the grocery shopping. They both are still pretty sharp as far as minds go.
They live in the SF Bay Area in the same house we grew up in. One brother 57 has been living with them for a few years now and helps them with things around the house as needed. He is still working too. Another brother 60 lives a few blocks away and him and his wife visit frequently visit and take care of things to. I think he is the designated decision maker. We live in Phoenix so farther away.
So recently Dads health took a quick turn for the worse. He lost the feeling in his hands and feet and has lost his ability to walk. He was diagnosed with some sort of neuropathy. It looks like he is going to need full time monitoring as even going to the restroom is a struggle. He fell recently and could not get up on his own..this all within a few weeks
Brothers have been doing there best to help but both are working.
Not sure were to turn or things we should do next? Looking for any input from others who have been through this type of situation.

 

[MissMolly]

What shape are their finances in? Can they afford to hire a daytime caregiver that can help out when your brother is at work? Do they have long term care insurance? It sounds to me they can no longer be on their own. Has anyone considered assisted living? It really sounds like they need closer monitoring and nearby assistance.

 

[Bamaman]

I hate to say it, but when mobility is challenged it's time for a lifestyle change. When they start falling, a broken hip is probably in their future.

My father broke his hip and he was doing okay in the hospital--until he threw a clot to a lung. He didn't make it.

I have just a touch of neuropathy in my feet. And I'm not optimistic that it's going to ever get better. If someone's in their 80's and has neuropathy in their feet, they're not going to ever find stability in walking and may be a danger to themselves.

I'm fortunate to be in a ultra LCOL area. I'd hate to think what full nursing home care or a step below would be in ultra HCOL SF Bay Area. I'm so sorry your dad's going through this.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

What shape are their finances in? Can they afford to hire a daytime caregiver that can help out when your brother is at work? Do they have long term care insurance? It sounds to me they can no longer be on their own. Has anyone considered assisted living? It really sounds like they need closer monitoring and nearby assistance.

Thank you for the reply. My oldest brother knows more about my parents finances and is going to talk to them about options Wednesday night. We agree they are going to need closer monitoring. I think assisted living might be the best option but we will see what they are will to accept.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

I hate to say it, but when mobility is challenged it's time for a lifestyle change. When they start falling, a broken hip is probably in their future.

My father broke his hip and he was doing okay in the hospital--until he threw a clot to a lung. He didn't make it.

I have just a touch of neuropathy in my feet. And I'm not optimistic that it's going to ever get better. If someone's in their 80's and has neuropathy in their feet, they're not going to ever find stability in walking and may be a danger to themselves.

I'm fortunate to be in a ultra LCOL area. I'd hate to think what full nursing home care or a step below would be in ultra HCOL SF Bay Area. I'm so sorry your dad's going through this.

Thank you for your reply. I agree a life style change is going to need to happen. This has been very hard on dad as it came on pretty quickly. I know they both want to stay in the house as long as possible. Hopefully we can make it happen.

 

[Bamaman]

Naturally the parents want to stay in their own home. We had earlier moved my parents 130 miles so my sister could look after them. They lived in a very luxurious high rise apartment with a full time maid taking care of them. After my father passed, Mom moved into a CCRC that was $2K per month, but she had 24/7 help watching her @ $12 per hour. She was spending about 2x what full nursing home care would have been, and was down to her last $5K when she passed suddenly. But she really had a great time there. 10 years later, I swear my sister's still suffering from PTSD after 3 years of taking responsibility for them.

Elderly care is just so difficult--and helping make proper decisions is just so important for all parties involved.

 

[robnplunder]

It is extremely hard to take care of aging folks, especially, when they are impaired, handicapped, etc.. But you have a very good thing in your favor. You have two siblings who are nearby and are willing to help anyway they can. That's huge! No matter how things go from here, you need to do the best you can to be a part of the supporting crew. Talk to your siblings on what you can do to help. Sharing the responsibility will make things easy on everyone, and prevent/lessen any resentment toward each other for not doing one's part. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Bir48die]

Until recently everyone has done a good job honoring your parents wishes to stay in their home. All people want that. However now that they are both home bound and need help there are the two alternatives. Getting help while your brother is not there or assisted living. If they have some near egg then start with in home care. It won’t be cheap where they live but it is essential they have it. Not sure how much your brother is at home or travels but since two are close they should be able to ham and egg it if they desire.

Assisted living gives them the ability to live together and have services close with all meals cooked for them. They will “menu” their costs depending on how much assistance is needed. Costs will rise a bit due to your fathers inability to be fully mobile.

My wife and I have told the kids we will go into assisted living when the time comes as not to be a burden on the kids. Family is family but we shouldn’t expect our kids to take care of us

 

[Bir48die]

Correction: nest egg not near egg. Hate auto fill. Also your parents by living where they live should reap a nice profit off the home sale to fund assisted living

 

[ivinsfan]

OP as the "away" sibling be sure and ask your involved DBS, What do you need me to do? If they are seeing your parents daily they know much more about the situation then you do. The big factors are personal safely for your parents and the amount of effort your DBS would need to expend to keep them at home.

Be honest and open to the live in brother/caretaker. He most likely will be losing his place to live. In a HCOL area this could raise huge problems for him.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

OP as the "away" sibling be sure and ask your involved DBS, What do you need me to do? If they are seeing your parents daily they know much more about the situation then you do. The big factors are personal safely for your parents and the amount of effort your DBS would need to expend to keep them at home.

Be honest and open to the live in brother/caretaker. He most likely will be losing his place to live. In a HCOL area this could raise huge problems for him.

I want to thank everyone for there kind replies. Will share all your thoughts with my brothers. I don't post much but do come here and read often. You are a kind bunch and appreciated.

 

[MRG]

My empathy, I don't have much to add to the great advice you have received. Your siblings are wonderful for the support they've provided. Has to be a scary time for your parents especially with neuropathy and balance issues.

Best wishes.

 

[gauss]

Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues?

I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state.

-gauss

 

[MRG]

Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues?

I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state.

-gauss

+1

Many balance therapist are also PT. Balance therapy can make a big difference. It did for me.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

Is it possible that doctor prescribed Physical Therapy (PT) would help with the balance issues?

I know it did with my DM -- until she stopped doing the exercises / stretching on her own and then reverted back to her balance-challenged state.

-gauss

Thank you for the suggestion. I will bring it up in my next conversation with brothers.

 

[chris2008]

If you and your brothers' no 1 option is assisted living, ask the place for a "try out period". The free try out week we gave my mom did a miracle - she loved it.
And when she decided to move we promised her not to sell her house and stuff for 3 months, in case she wanted to return. After 6 weeks she told us to go ahead with the sale.
She is living there now in year 5 and still loves it.
I hope it works out for your family too, one way or the other.

 

[2HOTinPHX]

If you and your brothers' no 1 option is assisted living, ask the place for a "try out period". The free try out week we gave my mom did a miracle - she loved it.
And when she decided to move we promised her not to sell her house and stuff for 3 months, in case she wanted to return. After 6 weeks she told us to go ahead with the sale.
She is living there now in year 5 and still loves it.
I hope it works out for your family too, one way or the other.

Thanks that is a very good suggestion. Appreciate the reply.

 

[rdy2go]

At age 94 my Mother got to where she needed to be in an assisted living facility. As much as she enjoyed her nice condo it was a relief for her to go to assisted living. I could see that normal living was becoming a burden for her and she really enjoyed the simplicity of having a smaller living space, meals served to her in a dining room, laundry done for her, room cleaned, bed linens changed, etc. Activities, trips and lots of people her own age to visit with every day. What we thought was going to be a painful change turned out to being a relief for her and us. She only lasted another six months, but it was a happy six months.

 

[LOL!]

My mom saw the writing on the wall. She put herself on the waiting list for a CCRC. When an apartment there opened up on the ground floor with a walkout patio, she moved in and sold her home.

 

[ivinsfan]

My mom saw the writing on the wall. She put herself on the waiting list for a CCRC. When an apartment there opened up on the ground floor with a walkout patio, she moved in and sold her home.

You won the Mom lottery

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

And I'm sure you thought of this, but if they are house-rich (in SF they should be) but asset-poor and your father insists on trying to live at home, they might be one of the few good candidates for a reverse mortgage, which they could use to pay for in-home care. If they wind up in assisted living, the house might need to be sold, and I hope they do try that trial week (good to know!), but that's another alternative that's better than waiting for the next crisis.

I wish you better luck than I had -- my dad had a good nest egg, but hated to spend it, so when Medicare stopped paying for PT/OT, he stopped doing it, and he remained much frailer and weaker than he had been before he fell ill. Less than a year after he was sent home from the rehab center, we found him dead on his floor. He had apparently fallen and wasn't able to get up or get to a phone. (I had gotten him a fall alert sensor, but he cancelled the service and returned it....long story.)

 

[imoldernu]

Lots of good suggestions, and +1 to the posts that look at assisted living as a good part of a plan.

Prior to that... First up...get safe... recommend a cane or walker... and be sure to provide safety in the current home. First... bathroom... with seat and or wall hand holds... no loose mats anywhere in the home. Check the safety for walking from one room to another... enough space, and awareness of door sills, steps, etc.

A way to get up if there's a fall. Learn placement for phone... daytime/nightime. Better still, and Echo or google speaker keyed to notify nearest relative or neighbor, by "Alexa" or "Hey Google" drop in, if there is internet.

Inexpensive bed rail to fit between mattress and box spring... to help in getting up at night.

In short, a good look at all safety concerns in the home.
......................................................................................................

Work to develop a written plan, subject to change... as to handle whatever comes next. Preferably built by all members of concerned family... so that any next move is preplanned and agreed upon. This may be the most important part of any plan for aging parents.
......................................................................................................
Know the available assets, and budget. This may/will take some doing, but it's critical to determine the next step in care.
......................................................................................................
Typically assisted living is looked at as a single person needing additional care, but in our CCRC, about half of the 60 units in AL, are occupied by a couple.
The best thing you can do is to spend a day or two looking at CCRC's that offer assisted living... Learn the costs, the amenities, and most of all to see... in person... what the facilities look like. A walk thru. From the room, to the common areas, to the dining room... all the time, noting the number of employees that are available for care. if there is any one thing that I can recommend is to do this IN PERSON, and not from anyone else's recommendation.

Look online for the state, county or township websites to get deeper in to $$$ and other major concerns. Also a good source for information about what's available in the event the money runs out.

As to money... pay attention to this! In our CCRC, the cost for a double room with assisted living care runs about $40K to $45K/yr. that amount should cover almost every need. Food, amenities, entertainment, access to free outside events, restaurants, shopping etc. as well as doctor visits.

Learn about the qualifying factors for assisted living... if the residents are self sufficient, ie. no extra care, for feeding, diaper service or special medical attention, maybe the extra cost of assisted living will not be necessary immediately. That's the way is often works here in Liberty Village. Start off in an apartment, with the option to move into AL... when the time comes. Less expensive, and very small trauma if the move eventually goes on to assisted living.

Too wordy... but my own best thinking about what to do. Being on the same page with the rest of the family, and with a well thought out plan, can make a big difference for all... when the time comes.

Best of luck!

 

[2HOTinPHX]

And I'm sure you thought of this, but if they are house-rich (in SF they should be) but asset-poor and your father insists on trying to live at home, they might be one of the few good candidates for a reverse mortgage, which they could use to pay for in-home care. If they wind up in assisted living, the house might need to be sold, and I hope they do try that trial week (good to know!), but that's another alternative that's better than waiting for the next crisis.

I wish you better luck than I had -- my dad had a good nest egg, but hated to spend it, so when Medicare stopped paying for PT/OT, he stopped doing it, and he remained much frailer and weaker than he had been before he fell ill. Less than a year after he was sent home from the rehab center, we found him dead on his floor. He had apparently fallen and wasn't able to get up or get to a phone. (I had gotten him a fall alert sensor, but he cancelled the service and returned it....long story.)

Thank you for your your input. We will try and convey to them don't be thrifty about things. We have always told don't worry about us kids..LOL I plan to go out owing....

 

[2HOTinPHX]

Lots of good suggestions, and +1 to the posts that look at assisted living as a good part of a plan.

Prior to that... First up...get safe... recommend a cane or walker... and be sure to provide safety in the current home. First... bathroom... with seat and or wall hand holds... no loose mats anywhere in the home. Check the safety for walking from one room to another... enough space, and awareness of door sills, steps, etc.

A way to get up if there's a fall. Learn placement for phone... daytime/nightime. Better still, and Echo or google speaker keyed to notify nearest relative or neighbor, by "Alexa" or "Hey Google" drop in, if there is internet.

Inexpensive bed rail to fit between mattress and box spring... to help in getting up at night.

In short, a good look at all safety concerns in the home.
......................................................................................................

Work to develop a written plan, subject to change... as to handle whatever comes next. Preferably built by all members of concerned family... so that any next move is preplanned and agreed upon. This may be the most important part of any plan for aging parents.
......................................................................................................
Know the available assets, and budget. This may/will take some doing, but it's critical to determine the next step in care.
......................................................................................................
Typically assisted living is looked at as a single person needing additional care, but in our CCRC, about half of the 60 units in AL, are occupied by a couple.
The best thing you can do is to spend a day or two looking at CCRC's that offer assisted living... Learn the costs, the amenities, and most of all to see... in person... what the facilities look like. A walk thru. From the room, to the common areas, to the dining room... all the time, noting the number of employees that are available for care. if there is any one thing that I can recommend is to do this IN PERSON, and not from anyone else's recommendation.

Look online for the state, county or township websites to get deeper in to $$$ and other major concerns. Also a good source for information about what's available in the event the money runs out.

As to money... pay attention to this! In our CCRC, the cost for a double room with assisted living care runs about $40K to $45K/yr. that amount should cover almost every need. Food, amenities, entertainment, access to free outside events, restaurants, shopping etc. as well as doctor visits.

Learn about the qualifying factors for assisted living... if the residents are self sufficient, ie. no extra care, for feeding, diaper service or special medical attention, maybe the extra cost of assisted living will not be necessary immediately. That's the way is often works here in Liberty Village. Start off in an apartment, with the option to move into AL... when the time comes. Less expensive, and very small trauma if the move eventually goes on to assisted living.

Too wordy... but my own best thinking about what to do. Being on the same page with the rest of the family, and with a well thought out plan, can make a big difference for all... when the time comes.

Best of luck!

Not to wordy at all. We appreciate you taking the time to provide all this info very much. Always look forward to your post on this site.

 

[HI Bill]

Our parents are in their mid 80s...recently have had some physical issues. Mom is oxygen...and does not like to leave the house..Dads health took a quick turn for the worse. He lost the feeling in his hands and feet and has lost his ability to walk. He was diagnosed with some sort of neuropathy. It looks like he is going to need full time monitoring as even going to the restroom is a struggle. He fell recently and could not get up on his own..this all within a few weeks. Brothers have been doing there best to help but both are working.

Sorry for the downturn. It really sounds like your folks shouldn't be left alone, long-term, during the day. A broken hip or pelvis can spell the end. Time for professional help. In-home care is one option, and you might be able to get by with 4 or 8 hours a day for a while. Assuming the house is safe for folks with limited mobility. In the end, sorry to say, assisted living is probably the only realistic choice, unless one of the siblings has time/inclination to be a full time care giver.