It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Yesterday my son e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?” I asked. “I served 20 years in the Army; I deserve a break.”

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He is “only thinking of me," he said, and suggested I go down to the clubhouse and hang out with the guys.
I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on him.
I sent him an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club since I did that in the army.
He replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
I told him that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him.
Immediately, he telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
"Oh man, I might be in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week for the next three months."
The line went dead.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

If you don't get this joke you just aren't old enough...


Classic Jack Benny joke:

Benny's walking down the street, and a robber comes up and holds a gun to Benny's face:
Robber: "Your money or your life!"
[pause]
Robber: "I SAID, your MONEY or YOUR LIFE!!"
[pause]
Robber: "WELL??!"
Benny (irritated): "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A few more Jack Benny one liners

1. Benny opened up his first radio appearance this way: “Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, ‘Who cares?'”
2. On marriage: “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
3. “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,”
   
4. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air,”
5. “I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.”
6. On Abraham Lincoln: “Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents — that’s my kind of guy.”
7. While being honored at a ceremony: “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that, either.”

 

[RetireBy90]

Small Arms

 

[Car-Guy]

A geology expert was being chauffeur driven to his next lecture at Stanford. The chauffeur spoke up and said, "It just isn't very fair, you make 10 times what I make and I can give that "prepared" talk as well as you and I bet you can't even drive this extra long limousine."
The expert replied, "Pull over, we're going to change identities and your going to give that "prepared" lecture. If you do well, I'll give you $1,000 if not, you owe me $100. "Deal" said the chauffeur.
The expert, now dressed as a chauffeur, drove the car flawlessly the rest of the way to Stanford.
Well, the chauffeur got through the prepared speech quite well (simply reading the detailed written speech), but then the moderator came on stage and said, as agreed upon, the talk is now open to questions and answers. The first person, an obviously very sharp student stood up and asked a very complicated question.
The stunned chauffeur scratched his head and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, but with a grin he replied, "When I agreed to speak here, I never expected such an elementary question from such a learned audience like this. Just to show how elementary this question is, I'm going to let my chauffeur take this one, he's standing right over there in the back of the room!"

 

[NW-Bound]

Photo of a pure-bread dog:

 

[Car-Guy]

Two blondes were driving the back roads across county when one asked the other, I wonder how some of these little towns get their names? The other said, you haven't been paying attention, most of them name themselves after their water towers...

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the Doctor for a check-up.
The Doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack;
“How do you stay in such great physical and mental condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer,” says Frank, “and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, head to the topless beach and all is well.”
“'Well' says the Doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?”
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?'
“He's 98 years old,” says Frank. “In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian
and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old
was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 116 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, No he couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today to a lady he picked up at the topless beach a few months ago and started dating.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting
married? Why would a 116 year- old guy want to get
married?
“Who said he wanted to?”

 

[Car-Guy]

Modern times

(I wonder where the hand sanitizer and face mask holder goes? If it was a car, I'm sure WeatherTech could come up with something_)

 

[davismills]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink, it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Jewish old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A couple of quick one liners:


My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $250 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years... He must be crazy!


My wife has recently turned mean and short-tempered... I think
she is going through mental pause!

 

[Car-Guy]

I pretty much feel this way about my beer of choice.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs are puzzled and ask him, “Why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?”
He replies, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”


True story: A few weeks ago I was in a casino and I ordered Corona beer, as usual. The waitress said they were out of Coronas and not re-ordering (due to the name Corona). I think I really surprised her when I decline substituting any other brand....Anything less/different just isn't worth it to me.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

Another oldie (been a while since I've heard it anyway)



A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works.
Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes, the insults stop.
The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.
The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.”
Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”

 

[Nemo2]

Stolen from elsewhere:

Patient to doctor “And, Doctor, when is this covid epidemic going to end?”

Doctor “I don’t know. I’m a Doctor, not a journalist”

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[REWahoo]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it

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I had amnesia once---or twice

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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

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My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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How can there be self-help "groups"?

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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off

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Is it me --or do Buffalo Wings taste like chicken?

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[CaptTom]

I saw this real headline this morning. I was going to post it in the "good news" thread, since it looks like good news for the folks in LA County. But I'm not sure they meant it that way: