Do your relatives and friends know you are FIRE'd?

[ILikeStarTrek]

I hope (pretty much expect) to FIRE next year, at age 55. Not as early as some people on this forum, but still 10 years younger than what I believe is average. I have some relatives and casual friends who are not doing well financially, and I feel reluctant to tell some of them that I will have FIRE'd. They probably already have a sense that I am doing well financially, but once they learn that I am doing so well that I quit my job, there could be reactions ranging from jealousy to hitting me up for a loan. I've read one or two ER blogs where the bloggers said that when meeting someone, they generally give a kind of evasive answer about what they do for a living; but in my case, quite a few people know what I do for a living and where I work, and sometimes ask me how my job is going. If I quit my job, the only way I could imagine hiding that is by lying about it, which I don't want to do.

Perhaps the right answer is that I just shouldn't worry about it - if someone is jealous about my finances, that's their problem, and if someone asks me for money I can certainly say "no".

Still, maybe I just want to feel a greater sense of privacy.

I'd love to hear the perspective of people who have been FIRE'd for a while. Is this something that is a concern for you? Do most people who know you also know that you are FIRE'd? Does it in any way hinder your relationships with relatives & friends? Or maybe it's just the opposite; it could be that other people who are interested in FIRE would feel more free to talk to you about it if they know your status. What are other people's experience with this?

 

[omni550]

I FIRE'd 10 + years ago at 56. Never tried to hide it, everyone knows.

Initially, I got a lot of comments from acquaintances like "you're too young to be retired".

Some of my younger friends (~15 years younger) said I was their idol. (I did share some of my favorite FIRE calculators, forums, and websites wiht any who expressed an interest.)

I did get 'hit up" for some money by my oldest friend (from 5th grade) who has chose a life of being a community organizer and artsy person. When I told her "it wasn't in the budget," we chatted a bit longer, amicably. She must've been really miffed as I haven't heard from her in 3 years. We used to send birthday cards and Christmas cards...but now it's been 'radio silence'.

And the grandmother of a ballroom dance partner tried hitting me up for a loan, but I told her I had lots of expenses and didn't have money to spare.

When I get hit-up for random donations and I don't care to contribute, I simply tell them I'm unemployed. LOL

I figure it's my life to live the way I want. I studied, worked hard, planned, scrimped and saved to achieve an early retirement. And now I'm enjoying the heck out of it.

omni

 

[UnrealizedPotential]

The relatives of course know I don't work anymore. People in public don't ask and I don't volunteer any information. I think it would just cause resentment. I am in my late 40's and it's unusual to not have to work at that age. I don't care what anyone thinks. Maybe they think I can't find a job. But to answer your question, yes, those who know me well at all know I'm FIRE'd.

I do not go around advertising in public I don't work. Nobody asks me, and I like it that way, because I do not feel the need to explain anything to them. I just do my own thing quietly.

I'm sure people are curious how much I have and they think I'm rich. I'm not even close to rich, but I"m far from hurting. I'm sure some of the relatives would like to ask me for money.

But where would it stop? It would be hard to put a stop to it once it started. Usually a loan turns into a gift. I have found that out from experience. So the best thing to do is just not mention money at all.

 

[calmloki]

Was suprised a few weeks ago during a conversation in which money was spoken of when my sister said to my gal "well you're not a millionaire, right?". Awkward. The gal said something nonresponsive and we moved on. We are closing on 5 million NW. Guess we just aren't tall poppies.

 

[RobbieB]

My relatives are all dead or on the opposite coast.

My friends all know I'm retired, they helped me celebrate.

Party Hearty -

 

[travelover]

Was surprised a few weeks ago during a conversation in which money was spoken of when my sister said to my gal "well you're not a millionaire, right?". Awkward. The gal said something nonresponsive and we moved on. We are closing on 5 million NW. Guess we just aren't tall poppies.

The honest answer is you are not a millionaire. You are a multi millionaire.

 

[Sunset]

OP - After you do FIRE, you could always tell folks you are looking for something new as you got tired of that old job.

What I do find surprising is all the people around in the day in the middle of the week, doesn't anybody work anymore

 

[Aerides]

It's a matter of "degrees of separation".

V. close family? Of course, they would not be resentful or judgmental and knew of my plans for years.

V. close friends? Same... those traits and trust and understanding are part of why they are V. close friends.

But those that are less close... eh, none of their business and really shouldn't come up. And if it does, at 55+ it shouldn't be THAT much of a surprise. And they hit you up for money, move them to the outer tiers of acquaintances.

 

[W2R]

No matter what age you are when you retire, I think you'll get comments. I was 61 with white hair, and still got the "you're too young to retire" baloney from a lot of co-workers. Maybe they just say that to be nice. One co-worker was worried and thought maybe I had a terminal illness, so I reassured him that I was fine and retiring because I wanted to, not because I was dying.

If I was retiring at 55, I'd tell everyone. Either they'll get used to it, or they won't, and my guess is that probably almost of them will.

In my case, everyone knows that I am retired. I am 69, though, so it's kind of expected.

P.S. - - All of these years I have used a stock answer to the question, "What do you do for a living?" I respond, "I'm a retired oceanographer" (which is true). Invariably they pick up on the oceanography angle, not retirement, and we talk about what it was like to be an oceanographer, or something along those lines. I think the only reason people ask that question is to start a conversation.

 

[msieweke]

I don't hide my retirement, but I don't bring it up unless asked directly (How is work?). My family and close friends all know. Both of my parents retired a bit early (army and civil service), so the concept isn't completely foreign. I just let everyone think I'm similarly constrained in budget.

If someone asks how I did it, I tell them "I figured I could do it if I were careful with expenses." I try to avoid financial details, especially with family members who I know are living in debt. I don't tell family my net worth, because most have no real understanding of the value of money. A million would be an impossibly large sum.

I used to try to promote the idea. Very few people have shown an interest in doing it themselves. I explain how to use the 4% rule based on spending. I try to teach how the numbers converge much more quickly if you can reduce spending. Almost everyone says they have too many "unavoidable" expenses, and it ends there.

It would be nice to have more peers, though.

 

[Gumby]

As far as my family goes, I have been the rich relative since the day I graduated from college. My current office colleagues just assume I'm rich due to the work I did before I started here, and they know I'll be retiring early. Although I am somewhat famous for not having a cell phone, bringing my lunch from home everyday in a battered old aluminum miner's lunch box, and driving a Honda with 262K miles, which I maintain entirely by myself. My neighbors are all probably richer than me. No one actually knows the facts about my net worth. So far, it hasn't been a problem.

 

[Car-Guy]

Most of my friends have ER'd and are financially better off then me (I think). None of us talk about it too much when we get together but you can tell by their lifestyles they are doing okay financially.

I think my dad always thought I was nuts to quit working when I did and never understood that "at some point" time becomes more important to some folks than accumulating more money. As far as anyone else, I really don't care what they think!

So if some stranger asks me what do I do, I just tell them "whatever I want". It's none of their business anyway.

 

[Souschef]

As far as my family goes, I have been the rich relative since the day I graduated from college. My current office colleagues just assume I'm rich due to the work I did before I started here, and they know I'll be retiring early. Although I am somewhat famous for not having a cell phone, bringing my lunch from home everyday in a battered old aluminum miner's lunch box, and driving a Honda with 262K miles, which I maintain entirely by myself. My neighbors are all probably richer than me. No one actually knows the facts about my net worth. So far, it hasn't been a problem.

I understand what you are saying, Gumby. I used to have coworkers comment about the travel we did. I told them about LBYM, and said " if we both made the same salary, and you had a $2K a month house payment, and I had a $1K a month house payment, that gives me $12 K a year to travel". They never understood that.

 

[Ronstar]

I’ve been retired for 3.5 years and all family and friends know that I’m retired. Most friends and relatives are retired on pensions. I’m the rare one that doesn’t have a pension. I get a few questions as to how I make it work. I tell them that I saved a lot. And DW has a pension so they probably think I mooch from her.

 

[Goonie]

I FIRE'd 10 + years ago at 56. Never tried to hide it, everyone knows.

Initially, I got a lot of comments from acquaintances like "you're too young to be retired"...........

I officially retired at age 50, although I walked out the door for the last time at 49, a few days shy of my 50th birthday. I had a few folks comment that I was too young to retire, but not very many. Most of my friends, co-workers, relatives, and others, were happy for my ability to bail out so early! Several have told me over the years, that they were inspired by me, and we're hoping to do the same thing. Some of my friends and former co-workers have contacted me over the years for information and assistance in helping get their ducks in a row so they could retire early as well. A few have now already FIRE'd, and a few more will be doing it very soon.

I don't recall anyone being jealous, to the point of being ticked off, of my retiring so early. If there were any, I was never made aware of it. And had I been, I would've just shrugged it off.

Both of my siblings were quite happy for me. I'm the youngest of the siblings, retiring 10-1/2 years ago at 50. My sister is second, and retired 4 years ago at 62, because she wasn't financially able to so earlier. My brother is the eldest, and will be retiring in April 2018 at 70, and has continued working only because he has thoroughly enjoyed his job.

 

[JoeWras]

I’ve been retired for 3.5 years and all family and friends know that I’m retired. Most friends and relatives are retired on pensions. I’m the rare one that doesn’t have a pension. I get a few questions as to how I make it work. I tell them that I saved a lot. And DW has a pension so they probably think I mooch from her.

I'm seeing this trend. Seems like 20 years ago when age 55 people were retiring, it was no big deal because word was out that well known Megacorp gave people early retirement pensions.

Not so today. With the disappearing pension, age 55 retirement is viewed as some sort of weird thing. Many cannot envision a pension-less ER.

I finally broached the subject with a sister. Actually, she mentioned it to me because I was complaining so much about my job. She seems cool with the idea, although her advice was that I try to negotiate a layoff package instead of actually retiring.

 

[Dawg52]

I didn't catch much grief from my family but a few friends took a playful jab or two at me. Nothing out of line. My Dad told me before he died "Don't waste away doing nothing". I told him "I'm good at doing nothing". Thought I would get a chuckle from him but didn't. He passed before I retired so he didn't have to see it.

 

[Bestwifeever]

When I hear someone is retired I don’t really think of how they’re doing it financially because obviously they must be making it work.

“I’m sorry, we can’t, as we’re on a fixed income” is a good comeback line for people asking for money. It really doesn’t say anything when you think about it but is impossible to argue with and stops the request pretty much immediately.

 

[RunningBum]

I tell some version of "My job was outsourced, and I've found if I live carefully enough and limit extras, I can make it without having to try to find another tech job in my 50s. So far, so good, fingers crossed." Nothing in that is false, and I can make it sound fairly bleak, or just fine as I see fit.

 

[braumeister]

"Now that I'm retired, I have to watch my spending very closely" is another good line.

 

[FUEGO]

Everyone in the family knows. My MIL still asks DW when she's planning on returning to work because she's afraid our kids will starve to death on the streets. And MIL considers worrying a valid hobby.

Friends all know in general. At least I assume they do since many do know and it seems like something that one friend might tell another friend. And they see us walking to the tennis courts at 8:30 am many days, or strolling around the neighborhood midday in the middle of the week.

Random acquaintances usually get a somewhat evasive answer if I don't have the time/energy/interest in talking about the whole early retirement thing. I consult, run a website, I'm a journalist, etc. Not lies but not really descriptive of how I spend the majority of my time

 

[SheitlQueen]

Even though I've been retired for a couple of years, and I'm now 63, I still get the "you are too young to be retired". I think they are just being polite

 

[marko]

Even though I've been retired for a couple of years, and I'm now 63, I still get the "you are too young to be retired". I think they are just being polite

When I RE'd my HR director offered that I wouldn't be happy "sailing all summer and skiing the Alps all winter". Yeah, right.

It illustrates how a lot of people just lack imagination. There's just too many clueless people out there to worry about it or to try to 'teach' them. "To those who require an explanation no answer would suffice......etc".

But "Sorry, I'm on a fixed income" is a great answer to those asking for a loan.

 

[W2R]

Nobody has ever asked me for a loan, probably because they know they wouldn't get one from me.

If somebody did, I'd tell them that I am so sorry but I never loan money to anyone at all, because I can't afford it, and besides lending money ruins so many friendships. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be". If they persisted I would suggest that they could go to their local payday loan place and get a loan at exorbitant interest.

 

[Scuba]

When DH & I ER'd, I was 56 and he was 57. Close friends and family all knew we'd been planning it for years so they were truly pleased and excited for us. Both of the last companies we worked for were not megacorps with pensions, so people at each of our companies were blown away. They thought we weren't really retiring but had taken other more lucrative jobs. Virtually everyone thought we were too young to retire, mainly because they couldn't imagine being able to stop working in mid 50's.

I was always pretty intense and career oriented at work so several people I worked with suggested I'd be back after a break. I'd just smile and say "we'll see, but I think I'll have plenty to do." I think several of them were pretty jealous as they aren't able to even consider retiring before they're 65 and on Medicare.

People asking us for money hasn't been a problem but if they did, we would graciously but firmly refuse. We do enjoy gifting generously to family and a few close friends, and also support some charities, but we're selective and don't give in to pressure to give if we aren't inclined to.

I tell anyone who asks me what I do/where I work that we're retired. When people say "but you're so young," I just tell them that we saved and LBOM'd for many years because we always knew we wanted to stop working and travel while we were still young enough to enjoy it. Most seem to understand that and be happy for us.

We never discuss income or NW with anyone except professionals who help us with money. No one needs to know.