Last Wishes I

[Teacher Terry]

I am 65 but have been thinking about this because my dad had a big stroke at 59 and despite my mom keeping him home was miserable for 14 years and wishing to die. Plus a couple of my friends have gotten dementia and died miserably in nursing homes. So I videotaped myself telling my husband to discontinue my HBP/heart medication and specifically when and sent it to my kids, step kids and best friend. There are worse things than dying.

 

[Telly]

Oh I agree. But it could be a sticky situation for a spouse, depending where you are, and what your mental capacity is. Around here, many hospitals will ignore a DNR. Days before a surgery,the surgeon told me that the hospital it would occur in would ignore my DNR as the hospital is a religious-affiliated institution. And that's not the first time I've heard that.

Outside of the health care environment, if one suddenly suffers cardiac arrest, and a loved one is there and knows your wishes, it may take a while to get emergency attention... particularly if said loved one panics and doesn't know what to do... or say didn't notice that the person hadn't moved for a while...

There are people to who something like this is so abhorrent, they think they control your life, and they will not let you decide. They are "doing it in your best interest" whether you like it or not. Which leads people to either suffer on and on miserably, or to take the messy Hemingway Exit while they still can. I'm a "hands off me!" person. I think it is an inalienable right for me to decide if, when, and where. I cannot think of anything more independent than that, and we are a nation founded on "independence". I wish society in this country would appreciate that, and just butt out!

 

[Red Badger]

Currently reading: "Being Mortal"
Author: Atul Guwande

One of my projects in retirement is an effort to seize control of my body. I want to die on my terms, and my terms only. My life belongs to me, including the end of it.

 

[street]

^ absolutely my feelings totally.

Has the book been a help to what you are looking for? Is it worth it to read it?

 

[EarlyBirdly]

" There are worse things than dying."


It's really not a bad experience at all...It just seems that way to those left behind.

 

[EarlyBirdly]

" My life belongs to me, including the end of it."


Somewhere God is laughing.

 

[Markola]

I don’t know much about it but have heard that there’s relief in Oregon.

 

[Ronstar]

My life belongs to me, including the end of it.

Spot on! I need to record a DNR statement, and a statement that I'm not to be put in a nursing home under any circumstances.

 

[footenote]

If you haven't already, please create an Advance Directive! Google "Advance Directive" plus your state to download the form.

But wait - there's more to do! Discuss your wishes with your family and give them copies of your directive. Discuss your preferences with your primary physician and get a copy of your directive into your medical record if possible.

I also carry a copy of my directive in my wallet. It's folded so that it's easy to find. (I realize it is highly unlikely an EMT won't make every effort to save me after an accident. But I feel better having it accessible in an emergency.)

Whether your wishes are for your medical team to make every effort to keep you alive indefinitely or to be allowed to go past a certain point, do everything you can in advance to communicate and document your preferences.

 

[SumDay]

Oh I agree. But it could be a sticky situation for a spouse, depending where you are, and what your mental capacity is. Around here, many hospitals will ignore a DNR. Days before a surgery,the surgeon told me that the hospital it would occur in would ignore my DNR as the hospital is a religious-affiliated institution. And that's not the first time I've heard that.

I agree too, but I've had the same experiences here Telly. I remember sitting at a 'team' meeting at my mom's nursing home. She was 92, had Alzheimer's, my dad had died and while she knew he was someone important in her life, she struggled with whether he was her brother, husband or son, she'd had a stroke, could no longer walk, was incontinent, and spent every day trembling in fear of who knows what. I asked the 'team' "Who here would trade places with my mother? So why do we want to keep torturing her with physical therapy and rushing her to the hospital for chest xrays each time she belches?" They looked at me like I'd asked to hang her in the public square. But that's what it took to get her on hospice, and a month later she passed. But at least she had some extra perks (additional baths, nerve pills, no more blood pressure meds, etc) that made her last days as good as they could be.

I had the same battle with my dad after a debilitating stroke. I wouldn't let them install a feeding tube and was made to feel like a murderer. I had POA and a Living Will, which were basically ignored.

Hospitals and Nursing Homes aren't good at letting nature take its course. Death is not unnatural, but that's not the business they're in.

Good on you for making the recording. Anything you can do to smooth the way for your loved ones is a good thing. Personally, I've written a detailed letter explaining what "quality of life" means to me.

 

[frayne]

Interesting subject but there is big money to be made keeping our biological life forms viable even if the mind has gone. For being considered an advanced culture, we should be able to do so much better around end of life issues.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

I agree with all of those above. I am a great believer in passing on my own terms and voluntary euthanasia. I am not religious, I respect those who are, however I do not consider it a religious decision. I wonder how may folks do have religious beliefs and still agree with the majority who posted here.

 

[Rianne]

I thought we had a free society, to choose our fate. Suicide is a sin in many religions and you go to the "fun house" if you attempt it. If I were in constant pain, could not recognize my loved ones, could not bathe or go to the bathroom on my own, I'm done. Put me down. We do that for our pets. A simple pain free exit when life becomes miserable beyond any chance of recovery.

 

[Red Badger]

^ absolutely my feelings totally.

Has the book been a help to what you are looking for? Is it worth it to read it?

I am just starting, but even the introduction was profound. The author is a well renowned surgeon with other best sellers previously penned.

Upon completion, I'll update this thread.

 

[Gumby]

Thanks for the reminder, Teacher Terry. Like Telly, I am concerned about those who for their own reasons would ignore my DNR. I have been giving some thought to how I can have a lawyer on retainer, with a sufficient amount of money set aside for litigation costs, to sue the crap out of them for making me suffer. But I'm not certain that my estate would have legal standing.

 

[Red Badger]

" My life belongs to me, including the end of it."


Somewhere God is laughing.

No, you got that wrong, amigo.... My soul belongs to God. He has no use for this carcass I'm carrying around.

 

[Scrapr]

I don’t know much about it but have heard that there’s relief in Oregon.

There certainly is. A few other States as well. I may have shared this previously. Mrs Scrapr fought her cancer for nearly 2 years. Near the end we talked about the Death with Dignity (DwD) option. One of her tumors was pressing on her windpipe. Making it hard for her to breathe off & on. We got on the DwD program and she was able to decide when & where to use it.She was worn out physically. The last few days would have been excruciating for her & myself. To no good effect. I highly recco the DwD option. One month ago.

 

[Nemo2]

DW's mother died last November, her father, at 93 1/2, is winding down. I could have died from the recent sepsis bout, so it's a topic of conversation hereabouts from time to time.

We're both on the same page, have clearly stated what we would be willing to live with, and what we wouldn't, and unhesitatingly designate the other to make the required decisions depending upon the circumstances.

DW's daughter, a 37 year old analytical clear thinker, has been apprised of our feelings, and at one point will likely be officially designated as a decision maker.

There's a difference between 'living' and 'existing'.

 

[Carpediem]

My soul belongs to God. He has no use for this carcass I'm carrying around.

+1000! Couldn't agree more.

 

[kaneohe]

...................................

We're both on the same page, have clearly stated what we would be willing to live with, and what we wouldn't, and unhesitatingly designate the other to make the required decisions depending upon the circumstances.

.................................................................

I have trouble thinking of how to document this............is there somewhere a
list of factors/conditions to consider.............so that basically one could just
check the ones that you want out of the list of multiple factors?

 

[eytonxav]

Even with a dnr and making your wishes expressly known to your spouse, I can image the difficulty a spouse would have under certain circumstances, especially if the drs advised chance for recovery. Not a pleasant task to expect from a spouse regardless of what a hospital might do, so I am not sure there are any absolutes in this situation.

 

[justlikebike]

Heard the statement somewhere while my MIL was in hospital.
"We aren't living longer these days, we are just dying longer."
My parents were always very vocal and clear on their wishes about DNR. My DW's parents were not. It was a comfort to me and my siblings to be able to know clearly what to say to the Drs at the time of my parents passing. I watched my DW and BIL stress about trying to figure out what their parents wishes would be.
By not making your wishes clear you are being selfish to those you leave behind.
Be clear and if you aren't sure, walk around and extended care facility for a few hours, you'll know what you don't want.

 

[pacergal]

Scraper--so sorry for the loss of your wife, glad she was able to have some control over her health choices and death.
My Dad did the same. The Death with Dignity law helped

 

[blueskyk]

Has the book been a help to what you are looking for? Is it worth it to read it?

I thought Being Mortal was one of the best and most helpful books I’ve ever read. Its the only book I ever sent out to family as a gift. You can also google Atul Gawande and watch a documentary of him and his experiences.

How it all ends for you and whether or not this is aligned with your wishes is greatly enhanced by your expression and documentation of your wishes. This is the part way too few people do.

Bravo to you Teacher Terry.

 

[Nemo2]

I have trouble thinking of how to document this............is there somewhere a
list of factors/conditions to consider.............so that basically one could just
check the ones that you want out of the list of multiple factors?

We, between the two of us, haven't documented anything at this time, but we know and trust each other, and any decisions would not be made without due consideration.

During my recent bout with sepsis I was 'out of it' and incapable of rational judgement, ("What else is new?", I hear you ask), for a great deal of the time, and DW was my advocate.

(When my late wife was close to death from lung cancer, her doctor asked if I wanted to put her on a ventilator. I replied that, if it could effect a cure I'd agree to anything, but artificially and temporarily prolonging 'existence' wasn't going to happen.)